He appears to have confused AMICABLE with ARSEHOLE(22 Posts)
I hate him so much.
How do you deal with the anger, in front of your children?
You develop an ulcer from swallowing down the bile.
Not easy .
Thank you, Rabid. My sleeping s a mess, my eating is a mess and I can't bear to be in his company. Not easy to be here right now.
I thought it was just my H! Hoping someone will come along with coping tips. My arsehole H (emotionally abusive, manipulative, controlling, habitual liar) has repeatedly told me in the month since I told him I wanted a divorce that he wants to keep things amicable, but has now said he will cross-petition me for divorce with a petition that's so full of lies I don't even know where to begin with it. Apparently this is all my fault as I insisted I should be the one to divorce him since I wanted to divorce and he didn't. And we are stuck in the same house for the foreseeable future and it's impossible to shield DS from the atmosphere and I can see he is suffering and am not sure what to do. I'm struggling with sleeping and eating too. And if he's this way over the petition I am terrified of how he will be over finances and DS. for you. This is unbelievably tough and it will take huge courage and strength to get through it.
Sorry you are going through it, too, Attica and that I can't offer any words of wisdom.
These men and their parting shots! I think they don't like it that we have stood up to them by driving the divorce. Mine refers to it as 'Mummy's little plan' but I drew up some 'new' parenting rules last week to stop one parent criticising the other in front of the children. Sadly it means I have to live by my own rules, but luckily DS is busy on Saturdays so I can be as critical as I like during that time today
We went down the amicable route & yet he decided he should petition against me. I don't mind: reinforces that it itmust be 'Daddy's little plan' too!
Deep breaths, Attica. It will feel wonderful to get rid of these lead weight manchildren.
Thanks Kansas. Does your H follow the rules you agreed? Mine tends to disregard them and I'm at a loss to know what to do. For example, we agreed not to tell DS about the divorce but within a day H had dropped such a massive self-pitying hint to DS that DS came to me and asked if we were splitting up so I had to tell him. Feel so bad for poor DS but after years of trying I know two happy homes will be better for him than one in which his father bullies and belittles his mother. Deep breaths, deep breaths.
Attica - the rules were pretty much what we have been doing anyway (e.g. consulting the other parent if either child is ill/before any drastic changes to appearance like ear piercings, etc.), but he had been acting out before this. He was plying the children with junk on the way to places, and telling them that he thought I might be mentally ill and about to take them out of their schools. So I added that to the rules: no criticising of other parent, and no major life decision without everyone being consulted. This was more for the DCs' sakes.
These men are so crap and condescending. Let me guess that yours is a power tripper, too - is he much older? Mine thinks he knows the ways of the world, yet gets everything wrong. I am comforted by the thought that the DCs know. They can work out when he is being an idiot, and I'm sure yours will, too. Maybe involve your DS in choices. I let mine see my house before I bought it, and to choose their rooms, and also to see the potential house I chose for Daddy - he was a wanker for not going with it. This works in my favour HUGELY as they can see that I am doing my best and driving the family forwards, whilst their fuckwit father stalls and dithers and makes stupid choices. No need for me to criticise, in fact!
Let's make a pact to be nice to ourselves during this crap time. I've ordered all sorts of treats for myself (courtesy of his credit card) and have bought myself flowers TWICE this week. Better the card being zonked out than my sanity
I wish mine would stick to the rules! Like you, we'd agreed no criticising the other parent, but DS has already said to me he thinks his Dad is trying to get him to hate me. Sometimes DS will be really off with me and I can't always work out whether it's just a teenage thing or whether his Dad has said yet more rubbish to him about me (he's characterising me to anyone who will listen as, among other things, a delusional menopausal woman, which a) isn't true, and b) went down REALLY badly with the counsellor we saw at the start of this year!). H is a few years younger than me (forties), but is definitely an arrogant power tripper, thinks he knows everything and that anyone who doesn't agree with him is an idiot (and makes sure they know it). And he also gets everything wrong and can't hold down a job for more than a year or two. It helps that I know he does this condescending critical crap to most people, not just me; luckily for them they don't have to live with him. DS is old enough to see what his Dad is like but it must be rotten for him, he needs a role model not a manchild who has less maturity than his son. No chance of huge treats at H's expense: he hasn't worked for two years and shows no sign of getting off his butt! But I can take care of myself and am looking forward to my independence, though I suspect it may be a long time coming!
I am also stuck in the same house with ex partner for the foreseeable future.
I've been unwell in bed today so he has been with them downstairs.
He is going away tomorrow afternoon and night with his 'friend ' so told the kids he wanted to spend maximum time with them today. What he did do was totally different, plonked them in front of tv / iPads for most of the whilst he fell asleep on the chair or was busy himself messaging his friend. I did give a gentle reminder of what he said last night and he reply ' get out my face '
Had to bite my tongue ( again) in front of the kids.
Hope you don't mind me posting this on here but op struck a cord with me
If one partner is being abusive in anyway go to the council and tell them you need to leave. SIL was given housing benefit towards a rental despite having a mortgaged marital home due to her ex emotional and financial abuse. They said it was time limited and she'd have to show that she was in the process of divorcing him and selling the home/being bought out etc. within 12 months I think it was.
Love the title. Mine does this too. Tells me constantly that we need to be amicable then comes round and gets in as many digs as possible regardless of whether the kids are around to hear or not. I slipped today and called him a bastard. So as for how to cope with it and the heart pounding, wanting to throw the nearest hard object at his head rage I have no tips except to minimise contact. Oh and passive aggressive smiles!
I'm another one stuck in a house with ex until I can get the matter heard in court.
He has also confused amicable with arsehole.
He had the cheek to tell me that other day that he thought he could write a book on how to get divorced successfully! When our 8 year old is having to have therapy with the stress of it all, and I could do with the same!
I deal with it by drinking wine alongside tramadol and duloxetine. I am too stoated to give a shit then :-)
Hi, new here.
I laughed out loud!
My arsehole is wanting to drag this out as long as possible (still all living together). 'no one is considering me in this' he bleats.
Not getting that it is all because he is an emotionally abusive wanker whose needs have been what we have all been tiptoing around for years.
I have just emailed my solicitor that I am pulling the plug on mediation as he just won't be reasonable.
I have no coping ideas either. DD and I are binge watching fab series on Netflix (beats sitting in front of endless repeats of things like Only Fools and Horses - was good first time round).
And, yes, I fantasise (sp?) about a good hard object to the head!
With you on this one! Cohabited for 5 horrendous months while house was sold, but am now well settled in my new (much nicer actually!) home while he is in a rental and moaning about the distance to their schools, despite having been advised multiple times not to go that far away (he could certainly afford to stay closer). Still very rocky with him just being a rude twat most of the time but feel so much happier in myself to be out the other side. Divorce and finalising money matters will obviously bring out a whole new shade of arsehole in him but am enjoy
Oops early post, am breastfeeding DS! Was going to say - hang in there. The "separated under one roof" part is the seventh level of hell but there is light, even though we are tied to these twunts for the long term by kids I am working on making it a smaller and smaller portion of my life that sucks so much due to his influence.
Been there, done that. Still not sorted but at least not under the same roof anymore.
Like everyone's said, be kind to yourself, leave the washing up, make easy meals, have fun with the kids and remember that, if he's hurting you or winding you up, it's probably deliberate. You don't deserve to be treated so badly but, if he's being an axxxhole, minimise your exposure to it - minimise his opportunities to hurt you, if you can. (I changed my phone number, don't see him, don't talk to him...) Good luck xx
I think this is my favourite title for a post - ever
There was me thinking it was only my H who believed that saying/doing mean things with a smile was the same as being amicable. Adding, "I'm not trying to be awkward" to the end of every sentence seems to allow him to be as awkward & disruptive to my plans as he can possibly be.
My husband moved me & my son away from our family friends,my job & our home as he wasn't happy ( yet again) in his job. I resisted as much as I could but in the end wanted us all to be together. 3 months down the line just before Christmas told me he wanted a divorce I then discovered he has another woman so I told him to leave our temporary flat. It's very complicated isn't it always! so won't go into it all but he has gone from being a kind supportive husband of 18 years to a complete barstool..
recently found out he's been telling my son that I'm unstable & to put a heavy object up against his bedroom door in case I get in at night!!! Presumably to murder him??!!!
And now he has told him I have Munchausen's by proxy (a mental illness where you make up illnesses in your child to get attention ) Really?!!!!
Don't know if anyone else has had to deal with this type of behaviour... I don't understand he's the one who wants the divorce!!
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