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WHY?

(5 Posts)
Joliebean Thu 16-Mar-17 11:37:55

I know its the right thing to do, I have been wanting this for years so why do I feel so heartbroken about separating from my EA husband.

WHY?

I feel like I've been broken in two. sad

Heatherjayne1972 Thu 16-Mar-17 12:25:10

Because it's finally happening. It's real. But it gets better.
Concentrate on the wonderful future that's waiting for you

Joliebean Thu 16-Mar-17 13:22:16

Saying and doing are such different things, I almost got there three years ago but he made the whole thing so brutal and ugly that for the children's sake, I backed down and gave up my fight. I started the fight but I just couldn't win the war. And I gave up.
But nothing changed. All the promises were lies or just promises he never intended to keep.
And so I am here again, it's all my fault, I've started this, I want him out - the arguments the name calling etc all my fault because I want to separate once and for all.
If only he would accept that its over, go quietly or deal with this in a grown up adult manner but no. Its mud slinging, its verbal abuse, its threats.
But for some reason, I feel broken not by the prospect of the break up but by this ugliness again like last time. Like I could just click my fingers, and peace would return, even for a little while. I could keep my mouth shut and carry on so as not cause disruption to my children's lives, if only I didn't say this or do that everything would be fine.
But I am not going to back down this time, it may have to get brutal and ugly. He wants to break me, he wants to make this difficult, so I give up and he can continue his rule.
I need to drown out his arguments, his attempts to throw me off course, to surrender. We are not showing the children what good relationship is, and despite this ugly mess it will not be forever. I must get through it, I must for mine and their sake. To show my daughter that it is not right to put up with such behaviour in a relationship and my son that is not how you treat women.
Please wish me to be strong, stronger than I've ever been and to visualise the future rather than the battle xx

Heatherjayne1972 Thu 16-Mar-17 13:38:38

Two years ago I could have written exactly what you've said ( pretty much word for word) I've been there -feeling like it would so much easier to 'put up and shut up'. It isn't. You are doing the right thing for you and for your daughter especially
It's tough but keep going. You will get there. It might be baby steps but that's ok
Have you spoken to women's aid?
Or been to see the citizens advice people ? Have you got support in real life?
There's help and support around

You can do anything you put your mind to

Joliebean Thu 16-Mar-17 15:15:34

OMG HJ72 its so good to hear from someone who's come through it, you never really hear the end story of some of these awful scenario's I've read on here.
I have support of family and friends. I haven't always because I've been ashamed in he past of the situation I found myself in and sometimes when they have given advice I have stayed with him against their wishes.. Since moving I have a good friend who lives right next door and who is aware of the situation.
I am currently getting a combination of denial, anger, nice, threatening, argumentative, talkative I never know what I'm getting up to or what I'm walking into currently.
I know what he wants me to do, he wants to make it so unpleasant that I back down. He wants to play with my emotion so that I either feel sorry for him or sorry for my kids witnessing this ugly display of adult arguments/crises. According to him I want this, I've caused this, everything was fine until I asked him to leave. Reason I asked him to leave; he spat at me on Boxing Day because I didn't bring him up a cup of tea. We had 3 family members staying overnight and I could not do anything about it. But I said to myself that day - almost as a new years resolution that that would be the last time he would ever spit at me, verbally abuse me, belittle me, patronise me ever again. And I am sticking with it.
He was brought up watching his dad give it out to his mum, never having to apologise and his way of saying sorry was to do some DIY around the house and she would try and maintain calm between the outbursts. He thinks that's how long term marriages end up and convinced me the same whenever I popped my head up above the parapet to complain. For years I put up and shut up, occasionally I didn't but I was never taken any notice of. If I did say anything to MIL she would just say her husband used to do that "isn't it awful" but nothing was ever done, nothing changed.
I am the breadwinner, he earns 1/3 of what I do, his lifestyle will certainly change and I have been accused of sending him to live in squalor in a bedsit.
When he gets really irate he screams at me get my 50 grand (his share of the equity) or sell the house, if I don't get it I'll burn it down. All this in front of the kids.
So I don't feel broken for him or our marriage, I just feel broken from the drain of trying to escape this loveless sham of a marriage.
Women have left men for less.
I've got to see past this, I've got to keep moving towards the light, block out anything he says and not engage in any argument. I've made up my mind and there's no going back. I am not going to ruin my childrens lives, I am a fit perfectly capable mother and breadwinner. I've been parenting almost on my own for years, to me there will not be much difference to my life, other than I will not longer be reading on eggshells.
My empathy comes from having a good heart, to the point where I can even feel sorry for assholes but I must stay focused and not be drawn in, because he is trying every manipulative strategy in the book to keep me on my toes and my head spinning.
I will keep you posted as to my progress smile

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