Feeling desperate, in need of advise!!

[user1489526215]

Wow how to sum up a long story in one post!!

Well I had a very difficult childhood and an over controlling mother with her own mental issues.I got out on that into my first controlling relationship that turned highly abusive, came out of that pregnant at 17, mother became unbearable and I took the opportunity when a knight came along with his own home that lived 200 miles away from everything.
So I ended up marrying that knight and guess what it turns out he had his own set of issues and the control and the abuse continued! (I'm now 35)

I didn't know where to turn, so young away from home and in a terrible situation that I put myself in eventually my second child came along. So I put up with it, he was never physically abusive like my last boyfriend and a controlling relationship was all I had known so I allowed him to prey on my vulnerability. I thought hard over the years to gain back control, Ive tried to leave numerous times, been deeply depressed, had eating disorders, major health issues etc. I did get a level of control back but the fight to get there has left me numb and emotionless as I've built up a wall to protect myself and wondering what exactly i have been fighting for.
Anyway a few years ago my health was terrible and I ended up in a wheelchair most of the time, the doctors did hundreds of tests and although they found muscle abnormalities they couldn't find a cause so put it down to ME with Fibromyalgia but were unsure. For around a year my health has started to slowly, slowly improve. Im not right but Im walking around and functioning which is amazing really considering I was bed bound and couldnt see a way out.

So I decided to start UNI doing an art based degree. Anyway the modules have forced me to look deep into myself and I have realised that I haven't thought for myself since I was a little girl. My thoughts are always controlled by others, my actions to make others happy! I acknowledge I have a form of smiling depression where i have come out of a suicidal deeply depressive hole and put a smile on my face but with my sole completely empty, the same negative, desperate thoughts remain on an endless loop but with no way out I just painted a smile and never dealt with the issues. I know now that this is no way to live and I need to do something about it.

So I told my husband before Christmas how i felt, i told him the truth, that i was trapped and that i didn't love him and needed to move on.

I have told him i want to leave before (numerous times) and he has been abusive so i stayed trapped. But i did feel he had moved on and now was the right time to be truly honest. He was devastated again but i feel empty, frets of suicide on his part forced me once again to stay.

But my sole is empty I can't see a future, I feel numb and thats not healthy. I want to feel something!!! I was confused thought it might just me me, that i was incapable of feeling at all. The numb feelings where not just towards him but with life in general. I got a 'first' for my first uni modules something I've dreamed of since i was 17 and I felt nothing at all! just completely empty like it didn't matter. I was hoping uni would make me start feeling and living again.

Then I met someone that i feel really connected with. Ive never had a romantic relationship with this person nore would i ever pursue it as he has a family and i wouldn't put him in that position EVER i will continue to control my emotions and I'm planning on taking myself away from a situation where i have regular contact with this person.

But heres the thing, now I know that Im capable of feeling and that there is a future for me and I'm so thankful to him for that. He made me happy and i wanted to spend time with him and excuse, started allowing myself to think about him all the time when i was away from him. As i said i won't allow myself to cross the line but I know i want to desperately and so i know i am capable of love and i need to get out of my marriage and concentrate on me and my children.

I want to find out who i am as a person and grow stronger.

But my husband just won't let me go, no matter what i do or say he won't accept i need to move on, we just keep going round and round and i don't know how to stop this! Ive suggested going to a counsellor to him as i had hoped an external person might be helpful. But he won't go!

If i end up back with him I'm literally dead as a person and theres no point but i don't know how to get out of this!! really lost!

[Properjob]

Morning user just wanted to say it sounds like you have made up your mind and just need to go. MN has a lot of advice for women wanting to leave so if you are unable to get him to, then look that up. Who owns the house and are you actually married? These things are crucial. But from what I've read amazing strong women cope with all sorts of situations and end up better. I'm trying to come to terms with my impending divorce but my situation is not much like yours. Tak courage and do why is best for you and your children. I'm nearly 60 and wish I had to do this much younger. Have a peaceful day