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Contact harassment

(18 Posts)
Dodos12s Mon 13-Mar-17 16:38:33

Hi please help me!
My son is near five his father my now ex husband left when he was months old having an affair, he now lives over 400 miles away and works abroad for periods of times. It was a horrible and very painful divorce in which I had to do everything and I was subjected to a lot of emotional abuse in saying that I always have allowed contact with our son alternate weekends with no over nights as he is so infrequently here and it would be at his mums house which is not appropriate as I believe my son doesn't deserve to share a double bed in a house he rarely sees because his dad left and can do consistent contact. Now he is demanding and threatens to enforce over night stays. I feel traumatised but I am trying to understand why he would force this. My son has seen him three times this year it is not appropriate and I fear he will be affected by this. I fully support the contact he has but he can't even do that at present and never has and I think that we are entitled to our lives too? I can't stand the constant threats of being dragged to court and the swearing and abuse he gives me because of his guilt because of his choice. I'm ok I support the contact but surely we have rights too?? Please help anyone I feel so lost!!!

SookiesSocks Mon 13-Mar-17 16:45:25

Only tbe child has rights as far as court is concerned.
They would look at the childrens right to a relationship with both parents.
They may agree to overnights but that would not be inmediatly and only if their is no risk to the child.

Is your little boy happy and comfortable after contact with dad?

SookiesSocks Mon 13-Mar-17 16:46:01

Sorry for the typos.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Mon 13-Mar-17 16:47:04

Does he pay cms?
If he isn't prepared to support his ds day to day financially then I doubt he would finance a court case.
Does ds want to sleep over?
Unfortunately you can't dictate the environment your ds would be staying in (unless it's a drugs den obviously) as a court would deem ex to be responsible enough to decide that as his parent.

Dodos12s Mon 13-Mar-17 17:18:14

Yeah it's hard to explain ... I fully support him having contact and our son is happy with him but is only 4 he had a development delay and strives with consistency and structure, he comes home early because he wants to be home and can be varied behaviour wise after contact. My ex does not live here he has contact at his mothers. All day sat/sun alternate weekends but he does not turn up and also works away for 6 week periods which impacts the relationship they have so over night stays don't seem appropriate when he cannot be consistent in current contact? He also fully harasses me and threatens me about contact which I think is because of his choices. We are surely entitled to some rights too though. He would much rather pick him up as and when he wants. I'm exhausted? Trying not to make it about so many other issues that affect me but the way I see it is I enable contact and he can't even do that so surely I have we have rights too?? X

Dodos12s Mon 13-Mar-17 17:18:35

Thanks for reply. Xx

SookiesSocks Mon 13-Mar-17 17:36:54

Again the we have right....no the child has rights.
You do have a right to be free of abuse and he needs to see that behaviour will do him no favours.

I would continue you the way you are and ignore the threats. If he wants it to go to court then let him take you.

Dodos12s Mon 13-Mar-17 17:54:45

Thanks I fully support my childs contact but I also know that we are entitled to live our lives and that forcing us or demanding is not right. It's like I'm actually at the point where I am afraid of what next!

SookiesSocks Mon 13-Mar-17 17:57:52

You are but dont expect a judge to look at it that way is what I am trying to get across to you.

CocoaLeaves Mon 13-Mar-17 18:13:37

See a solicitor and get legal advice. Get your solicitor to lay out the proposed contact from you and to request your ex stop contacting you directly about this. If he keeps contacting you, it is harassment, he should contact your solicitor. You have the right not to be harassed.

If your ex is returning his son early, then shorten the contact time to suit your son in what you propose. Clearly lay out the reasons including support needs and consistency in the letter from the solicitor.

Both parents have responsibilities and yours is the day to day wellbeing of your child. You are offering contact, your ex needs to raise a court order if he is not happy with what is offered. A court will order consistent contact, so no picking up as and when.

Be firm about what you believe is in the best interests of your child. Be prepared to go to court to argue those interests are met. That is the right you have.

Dodos12s Mon 13-Mar-17 18:38:23

Thank you I'm just terrified which sounds extreme but this year my son has seen his dad 3 times for a few hours and he threatens me constant with courts but I allow contact ..... it's just such a drain and mess and not my doing that advice is good but even the thought of a complete stranger making any sort of choice for my child that I have raised alone completely terrifies and breaks my heart! I paid thousands for divorce and I have nothing left to fight with. I'm sorry I just really want a magic wand and someone that can make everything ok xx

SookiesSocks Mon 13-Mar-17 18:42:05

They cant. I am sorry.
I know its draining and stressfull but there is rarely an easy fix.

He has parental rights too and can excersise them at anytime. Doesnt make it right I know.

CocoaLeaves Mon 13-Mar-17 18:57:26

Then let him take you to court. It is terrifying, but you have twelve more years of this to get through. You need a solicitor. Do you think mediation would help or be another way to harass you?

It sucks, I know, I got to the point where I am taking it to court just to get the harassment to stop. But there is no magic wand. You need to fight for what you believe your son's best interests to be. A court might decide something different but at least then I think I did everything I could. Because the harassment had to stop.

Dodos12s Mon 13-Mar-17 19:39:45

What happened when you went to court it scares me so much x

CocoaLeaves Mon 13-Mar-17 19:55:38

I am in the process of court hearings, so I don't know the outcome. It is a complex set of circumstances and I got to the point where I realised I could not make any decisions, only argue for what I believe my son's best interests to be. My solicitors were also saying that they could not negotiate with him so that is why I say get a solicitor first and try it that way.

Dodos12s Mon 13-Mar-17 20:15:26

Thanks my solicitor said that it would come eventually as she already identified him as a narcissist and said it's best to let him action anything because it's not me with the contact arrangement and then we can fight it etc it just leaves me hanging in fear of what next if that makes sense we've fought so hard to get through everything and I just don't want to feel trapped anymore. She said that he needs to put in papers for access and that because I provide and support sontact and he is so inconsistent, doesn't live here and acts this way I would be somewhat safe but it's the not knowing that hurts me the most! I fully support my son having a relationship with his dad but it's got to be realistic because he is more like an uncle than a father! That sounds terrible but it's sort of true! Thank you all for advice I really do appreciate it x

CocoaLeaves Mon 13-Mar-17 20:29:38

Yes, the uncertainty is crippling. I am advised there could be more contact ordered than currently on offer, but at that point, I will have aired all my concerns and won't have the decision on my conscience. I cannot make the decision to increase contact because of my concerns, and even if I did, he would find something else to harass me about. He had threatened court so many times, I just decided it was easier to go ahead and raise the action, so it was one less thing he could hold over me.

I am sorry you are in this position flowers. Certainly not a situation anyone chooses. Concentrate on looking after your little boy, that is the best you can do.

Dodos12s Mon 13-Mar-17 20:43:02

Thank you so much it's strange to say but it helps knowing I'm not alone x

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