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Torn between two options

(20 Posts)
FlorenceandtheWashingMachine Sun 12-Mar-17 21:30:24

My ex left me in Dec 2016 to be with his new GF in the European country where he has worked for several years.

They were meant to be moving here and setting up home to be near our two kids but that has now been shelved and there are no plans to move to the UK.

Since the split, I have been leaving our home for a weekend every fortnight so that my ex can be with the kids without their lives being disrupted too much. This has been the case for 15 months or so now and I felt that it was especially important as one DC was taking important exams during the early period.

However, I am finding this situation more and more depressing and don't feel I can do it for years and years. It obviously suits the kids, which is why I agreed to do it and it also saves money as ex doesn't have to rent a place here. However, I hate having him in 'my' home - I feel like I have to tidy it every time he comes and it increasingly feels like an invasion.

I am really torn and worried that I am being selfish and a bad mum if I think about ending what is a great set up in many ways. Any thoughts/advice?

Startoftheyear2017 Sun 12-Mar-17 22:03:35

Hi I don't have anything sensible to add, but I can see the logic of making the logistics of his visits easy for your DC. I just wouldn't tidy up for him, he doesn't deserve that!

FlorenceandtheWashingMachine Sun 12-Mar-17 22:12:10

Thanks, Start. It's largely pride I think. They have no kids over there and their apartment agreement includes weekly cleaning, so I have an image of it as perfectly clean and incredibly organised.

Lilacpink40 Sun 12-Mar-17 22:16:07

My ex wanted to see DCs in what was the family home and now my home. Different circumstances to yours, but I only put up with it for a few weeks. I don’t see how this in tenable long term. It's not your fault that they didn't move back.

FlorenceandtheWashingMachine Sun 12-Mar-17 22:21:08

Thanks, LilacPink. It's a weird situation.

MrsBertBibby Sun 12-Mar-17 22:38:38

I can't see it working when you find someone new.

Where do you go when he comes?

FlorenceandtheWashingMachine Mon 13-Mar-17 01:08:28

I stay with my dad. Not very compatible with thoughts of dating.

Hermonie2016 Mon 13-Mar-17 09:35:36

Have you divorced? I appreciate it works for him but it's really his issue to sort out.
If you have a financial agreement I would stop the arrangement, giving him a notice period which would be fair.

If he has chosen to remain in another country that is his issue.To move on properly I think you need this separation.It's very kind of you to do this.

How old are the children? Could they commute to him for longer holidays?

Mittensonastring Mon 13-Mar-17 09:42:22

There is no way I could tolerate this, I can see why it seemed useful but it needs to stop.

CMamaof4 Mon 13-Mar-17 09:50:01

I would say you have acted incredibly considering the circumstances, You are obviously a fantastic mother who hasn't been bitter but has taken a terrible situation that he put you in by cheating and put your kids first trying to make it as smooth as possible for the kids, Its not really a longterm solution though is it.

I would say its time for a new arrangement that works better for you all, It was his choice to not live in the uk and Its time he took responsibility for that decision instead of you having to sacrifice your living situation.

WayWithWords Mon 13-Mar-17 21:59:26

I did this for a brief period after me and STBXH split and he was living overseas. Moved out every other weekend and stayed with friends so he could see the kids in the house and cause them minimal disruption.

BUT my kids were very small at the time (preschoolers). Like anything, these situations have a shelf life. After a few months it really started to grate, and thankfully he also started to find coming to the family home stifling too. So we agreed that on his contact weekends he has to do the donkey work of finding somewhere to take the kids. He now has arranged to take them to the same relative's place for his contact weekends. Kids actually got used to it pretty quickly, and it's totally fine now.

You mention your kids are doing exams and therefore possibly quite a bit older, in which case I'd say there's even more reason for it to be ok for them to go elsewhere. Alternatively, your ex-DH can fork out for an Air B&B for the night or two he's in London. He chose to move overseas with a new love interest, so he can jolly well sort out his own accommodation.

Ultimately, you need time and space to heal from this, and that's best done in your own home when the kids are elsewhere and you can think.

You've been very accommodating so far - I'd put a stop to it now.

WayWithWords Mon 13-Mar-17 22:00:51

Sorry, don't know why I presumed you're in London. I meant 'in your area' wherever that is of course!

ComputerUserNumptyTwit Mon 13-Mar-17 22:06:39

I'd find this intolerable. He needs to rent a place here, arrange that he stays with his parents and stops by to take the kids out, or move back to this country. He cannot expect you to live like this and subsidise him.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit Mon 13-Mar-17 22:07:57

*him and his new partner's life choices

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Tue 14-Mar-17 11:27:30

Dc seeing their df is important
BUT
Your mh is much more important imo. .
Time he sorted his own life out and stopped continuing to control you life.

TreeTop7 Tue 14-Mar-17 12:34:56

It sounds like a great idea - but for a few months (a year absolute maximum) whilst the children get used to things. I'd also allow it as a fall-back every now and then, given that your dad is accommodating. It can't go on indefinitely and regularly though.

I'd give him a couple of months' notice. What's AirBNB like in your area?

FlorenceandtheWashingMachine Tue 14-Mar-17 20:30:26

Thank you very much for all your comments and support :-) I have decided to ask him to start looking for a place to take the kids from the start of the summer holidays. That way my eldest DC gets exams out of the way and my ex has ample time to find somewhere suitable to see them.

I have realised how harmful it is that he has left our family but keeps coming 'home'. I think 18 months of the current set up will be more than enough for me!

ComputerUserNumptyTwit Tue 14-Mar-17 21:50:57

Good for you, Florence smile flowers

RandomMess Tue 14-Mar-17 21:55:11

I think the time is right to call time on it after all you thought it was temporary arrangement as they were moving to the UK...

Don't be emotionally blackmailed into back tracking flowers

FlorenceandtheWashingMachine Tue 14-Mar-17 22:41:50

Thank you. I feel happier having made the decision. No backtracking for me smile

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