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Divorcing a Narc

(10 Posts)
Joliebean Mon 06-Mar-17 16:22:33

Here's my situation, after being spat at and verbally abused for not bringing H up a cup of tea, I decided that this was the last time he was ever going to do something like that to me again.
I have two children 14 and 9. My H and I have not slept in the same bedroom for over a year. The reason at first was he was undergoing treatment for HCV and he needed to sleep alone. He came off treatment in April last year and was given the all clear. Did this give him an epiphany moment, Like "I'm blind and now I can see" - NO - still miserable, negative as he has always been, picking on the smallest of things having me running around in circles and treading on eggshells. Did he act like he'd been given a second chance after having this virus hanging over his head for the past ten years - not at all. Took our children on a holiday as I way of saying thank you to them for enduring with their Dad the most awful 48 weeks of HCV treatment. It was meant to be a holiday of a lifetime, he moaned all the way. Put a dampener on every day and even hit me full on in the face towards the end of the holiday. No apologies as usual, all my fault, as usual.
We have remained in separate bedrooms.
I did love him once but any love I did have has been killed by his narc behaviour, he has quite literally sucked the joy out of our relationship I have given him 19 years of my life and I do not want to give him any more. I am 47 probably have 20 good years left and I want to spend them in peace and in happiness.
I have told narc this, "I am going to ruin the children's lives" I actually think seeing a daddy hit mummy is more traumatic than separating from him and his behaviour. "I wont be able to cope with our son when he enters into his teenage years" - I have a good relationship with my son and actually think with his dad out of the equation on a daily basis will improve" I am the major breadwinner in the house and I earn 2 times more than him. I know I can stand on my own two feet financially. He is asking for 50% equity in the house, roughly £50k. I could probably raise £30k now and the rest in a year to 18 months. I am hoping that he will eventually accept, I don't really want to be forced to sell the house. I don't want maintenance from him so I was hoping that this deal would appeal to him. He is basically refusing to move out unless he gets his "fifty grand". And then he goes from ranting to being "utterly charming" helping do the kids lunches, picking the youngest up from school, trying to hug me or worst trying to get me into bed. I feel like I am going insane. It is like he hasn't even heard me or a word I have said over the last two weeks. Like this little rebellion of mine will go away and I'll go back to thinking about fluffy bunnies instead !!
I am not stupid I know this charm offensive will not last but again it will be my fault for rejecting or not supporting his attempts to change and woo me back. That I am being selfish. How he can say this when I have been selfless to the point of downright stupid over the years, forgetting, papering over the cracks but not necessarily forgiving. Supporting him through his illness, periods of unemployment. Throwing myself into motherhood to distract myself from the loneliness and sham that is my marriage. Only be treated with disdain, to be put down, humiliated in front of my children, family and friends when something wen t wrong or when things aren't done to his standard.
The final insult is that it has taken me all my courage and strength to tell him how I feel, how I don't love him, how I don't see a future with him, how I want to be on my own and he doesn't seem to want to take any notice. All he seems to be worried about is that he will end up in a one bedroomed flat and I will stay in the house. Honestly if I didn't have kids I would happily sell the bloody house just to get away but I want to give them some kind of stability and don't feel I should be made to feel guilty about it. I'm not keeping it for me, I'm keeping it for them but he doesn't see it that way. Instead of accepting and dealing with a way forward in a grown up fashion to avoid having to drag the kids into the drama he seems unwilling to even approach the subject, forcing me to and running the risk of further arguments and demands.
I suppose what I want to know is how do I get him out?
Can he legally sit tight and wait for his money?
Do I have to give him his full share in order for him to go?
Could he force me to see the house? I suppose this could take even longer for him to get his money.
Sorry if this thread is a bit like verbal Diarrhoea, there's just so much to say thing about, I don't think I am even thinking straight

thethoughtfox Mon 06-Mar-17 16:46:06

Get a SHL asap for advice. I imagine that if you report the physical violence, this could put you in a stronger position to get him out of the house, indeed the police may remove him. Good luck xx

Joliebean Tue 07-Mar-17 08:58:46

sorry to be thick but what is an SHL?

IronNeonClasp Tue 07-Mar-17 09:25:10

Just read your post. You can do this.

jeaux90 Tue 07-Mar-17 20:13:16

Shit hot lawyer. Narcs are so difficult to deal with. You'll be so much happier when this is over.

When it is make sure you limit any contact to be about the kids. Very factual and non emotive and don't ever respond to message that aren't about them or are emotive in any way. I'm no contact with mine luckily.

Good luck!

Hermonie2016 Tue 07-Mar-17 22:53:28

Get a solicitor, advise them of domestic violence..could you report it?

You have to know he won't be reasonable.You can apply for a divorce, his behaviour is definitely unreasonable behaviour.You can then put a deal to him formally and if he gets a solicitor he's likely to be told to accept it.
Do you or him have pensions?
Who get child benefit?

Could he claim to be resident parent?

Keep your cards close to your chest until you get a solicitor.There is no point trying to reason with him.See a few solicitors before instructing one.I feel a solicitor who knows about high conflict men is a good idea.

I've just realised my stbxh is NPD.I got him to leave before he had lined up his next victim so I am getting the full brunt of his narcisstic rage.His behaviour is erratic and borders on paranoia at times.
I have to accept this will be high conflict as he doesn't want a win/win approach.He wants me to regret asking him to leave.

Joliebean Wed 08-Mar-17 09:37:26

Thank you all for your comments, having read many posts on here, I realise there are many women in a similar situation as me and some a lot worse off.
I will keep you updated as to my progress.
Fortunately I am lucky enough to have health insurance through work and so I am currently seeing a psycho therapist to help me deal with esteem/confidence issues and this is helping me immensely and three sessions in I am gaining strength and seeing the light.
I have an appointment with a mature, female SHL tomorrow morning.
He is acting like nothing has happened, like I have said nothing. He is probably thinking I will soon get over this nonsense idea of divorce and my rebellion will soon be crushed.
He is going to be in for a surprise.
I'm a different person, I'm stronger and more determined than I have ever been. I have visualised the future without him and I am heading towards it.
At work, I am seen to be a strong, professional woman, respected and my colleagues and staff look up to me. We have a great working relationship, no-one would ever know what goes on in my marriage.
At home, I am a loving, capable and caring mother, I adore my kids.
I have just been an appallingly weak wife, I have endured treatment that many of my friends/family would never put up with. I know now that my husband is a text book narc.
Ikick myself for not doing this before and continually ask myself why now why not earlier, I simply never had the strength. I threw myself into parenting and now my children are older and 'need' me less it is like the fog has lifted. When I did try and do this three years ago he made the atmosphere in the house so unpleasant that I simply gave up in order to restore some kind of peace. I started the fight but I couldn't win the war, I surrendered.
I berate myself for not calling the police when he assaulted me, believing it was all my fault and that he would paint me black.
I am an intelligent woman - how could I have been so stupid but that is how they get you. They are master manipulators. Then they play the injured animal and you feel sorry for them, their poor childhood, their rough teenage years, his illness and periods of unemployment that made him do it, he didn't mean to. So you feel sorry for them but it is never long after the injured animal is nurse back to health before he is ready to bite back.
I am doing his, I am doing this not only for me but for my children, I don't want my daughter to end up like me or my son to end up like him. I am also doing this for all the other women who are enduring this treatment at the hands of a narcs/sociopaths.
When I succeed I will post it for all to see that, yes you can escape these men and one day you will be ready to love and be loved again.

NearlyFree17 Wed 08-Mar-17 13:21:10

OP I could have written your last post.
I am so cross with myself for being a coward. I gave up standing up to him as he would always twist it that I was being a nag and was a miserable person who was hard to live with. I threw myself into trying to create the perfect family life single handedly while he sat back and enjoyed the results of my hard work and pursued his own hobbies. No wonder I was bloody miserable!
Mine has found another woman now and I didnt see him for dust. But it doesnt make it easy.

Hermonie2016 Wed 08-Mar-17 13:39:40

Please, please don't berate yourself for staying.

I was with ex for 16 years and it has slowly got worse.They are masters at doing just enough to keep you there and of course we all want to keep our families together.I felt for a long time I needed to adjust my way of acting, perhaps I was the issue.

These damaged individuals target smart, intelligent and above all else compassionate and kind partners.It's our strengths that are used against us.

I have been guilty of naivety as I'm fortunate to have a mostly loving family.I had no idea that such people existed and feel I was unprepared to deal with such manipulative people.
I knew boundaries for outwardly hostile people but I didnt know that my husband (who proclaimed his love) would manipulate and seek to hurt me.

Jolie, I look forward to hearing of your journey to freedom😊

Joliebean Wed 08-Mar-17 14:03:01

Thank you Hermonie.

I think part of the trouble with me is that I didn’t have the ideal loving family, my mother, who loves ten minutes away, has always been distant and never involved with my children. Whereas his mother who lives in another country is always visiting, phoning the children. So with his family, I felt I had gained the family I never had and always wanted, so they were in a sense his saving grace. She became the mother figure I never thought I would have and the grandma I wanted for my children. He is often abusive towards her and as the years have passed by it has revealed the true dynamic of this seemingly ‘perfect’ family I so desperately wanted to be part of. His father was abusive, both verbally and physically and is still a narc now and they are both in their 70s – I heard them one day and that made me realise my situation will never change and I certainly don’t want to still be warring with my narc partner in my 70s! There have been times when rather than call my mother, I have called her for help with her son and all she can say “oh my husband does that or used to do that, its awful isn’t it?” grrrrrrr.

The ugly thing about all this is that he knows how upset and hurt my mother has made me over the years and rather than comfort me over it, he has used this against me when we he wants to have power over me. He knows the biggest insult to me is to be compared to my mother as I have always actively sought to be so unlike her. I love being a mum, I embrace everything about it. Unlike my mother, I have never missed a parent meeting, a play, a sports match or anything my children have ever been involved with. I have always encouraged them and supported them and always will. The only comparison that he can make of me to my mother is that I like her fell for a narc and I truly hope I can spare my daughter from the same fate x

I am so doing this, when you see it all in black and white and what has been written is just the tip of the iceberg , it’s a total no brainer!

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