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Separation- what do I need to know?

(7 Posts)
ChangingStates Mon 06-Mar-17 06:10:43

Hi,

It's looking likely dh & I will be separating/divorcing and I could really do with some advice. Am a regular but have nc for this as haven't discussed it in real life with anyone yet!

I guess I want to get my ducks in a row so I have some idea what's coming if (more likely when) this happens. What should I be expecting in terms of rights & support? Basis for separation would be differences so could divorce for 2 years after that.

We both work full time & have 2 primary age children. We both earn pretty decent salaries (although live in London so not that great), his gross is about a third of mine again - then he can get bonuses on top. We own a home together with a mortgage. In the event of separation I think we'd probably go for share care - him 3 days me 4- am guessing this as not discussed. What happens if we want different things with custody arrangements?

Dh is not a good communicator and difficult financially, he is also v good at twisting things & turning conversations around on me so I want to go into talks knowing a few things- like what are my rights re the house- if I want to stay in it do I need to buy him out? Do I have anymore right to be in it than him?
Can expect any kind of spousal maintenance as he earns a third more than me or does the fact I earn a reasonable wage mean not? What about child maintenance if we share care?
Is shared care a good way to go?
What else should I do/know...?

Sorry, turned into a bit of a mammoth post! Would really appreciate any advice you've got to give!

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore Mon 06-Mar-17 07:02:25

Seriously, go and see a solicitor. Get a free half hour with one or two. Whether you can buy him out/he buys you out/pays maintenance is dependent on so many factors.

I am in a similar position to yours and said something during a row to my STBXH about how to split the assets (in my favour). He went to see a solictor who told him I was right. grin We have come to an agreement amicably, but it has taken a lot of work.

Get informed!

blackteasplease Mon 06-Mar-17 09:23:54

See a solicitor.

You shouldnt tell the other person what the sols said especially not in writing as it could lead to them being entitled to know everything that was said.

Just said, I've had advice, and my position is this....

ChangingStates Mon 06-Mar-17 22:12:24

Thank you both for replying, guess posting on a forum is a first acknowledgement of what's happening, a solicitor feels very real! Have had a browse & found one with decent reviews nearby so will call in the morning. Thanks for the tip on not sharing, I'm pretty open & would likely have blabbed if you hadn't said.

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore Tue 07-Mar-17 12:52:08

It IS scary, ChangingStates, but just as your name says - try not to think of it as on/off, black/white, but as a situation that unfolds across time. You can call a couple of solicitors before you find one you like. Be aware that your husb won't be able to use a solicitor that you have consulted (in case you are doing this behind his back, as I did with mine to start with). I had a letter drafted in my inbox for some time, and it gave me strength. Didn't need it in the end, it has unfolded kind of by itself.

You might find it helpful to look at the Relate pages on splitting up, in order to give yourself a script (if you need one) whenever he challenges you. I found it helpful to have some stock phrases; for me they were about needing clarity and communicating plans for the future.

Best of luck!

ChangingStates Tue 07-Mar-17 18:58:57

Thanks for that, I will definitely have a look at the relate pages. We are in couple therapy but not with relate, good thing being that the therapist should be able to support us with the conversations- I hope! Although I think we both know where this is heading but I intend to get my head straight and have a good understanding of where I stand in terms of kids, finance, house before I take the talk there.
Thanks for wise words & the support.

Hermonie2016 Tue 07-Mar-17 23:37:36

There is also a good book on divorce law so worth a download from amazon.

The law is imbased on the children's needs.If you have more responsibility for childcare then you can expect more financial help but it depends on what resources you each have available.
As well as salary, there is equity and pensions, savings etc all put into a pot and then the children's needs are reviewed.If you share care then the split would be more or less equal, unless you need more.

It's likely you will both need to downsize to smaller houses.Could you afford this on your own?
Do you have cetv for pensions? You both need this to get a meaningful financial solution.Can you accurately estimate house value or will you need 3 estate agents?
Can you start to build a budget for post separation?

What would you need monthly to survive, could you bridge the gap by child support, are you eligible to any tax credits, child benefit?

If you take all the capital and start with 50:50 could you house yourself and children, what size mortgage would you need, can you raise this on your salary and make repayments?

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