The Ex

[Hena1982]

Hi - i have now been separated from my husband since November 2016 after 15 years of marriage. He cheated on me three times but this last time he mentally abused me along with scars which I have from the past if being violent to me. I feel I am being too nice to my ex and being very accommodating for him to see the kids. I feel very lost

[jeaux90]

Hena you might want to get this moved to relationships for more traffic.

In terms of your problem with your abusive ex you need to limit communications with him down to topics just about the kids and the logistics of pick up etc preferably just by text and don't respond to anything emotional ever.

Limit any contact with him.

Of course being nice to an abuser is going to confuse you but you spent years being conditioned by him to behave like you are walking on egg shells.

You have a new life away from him. You need to separate that from your past.

[NotJanine]

Hi Hena

I've had a similar experience to you, although no physical abuse.

I have found communication very difficult and in the first few months I was far too accomodating and made some silly decisions. I agree that having as little communication as possible is the right way to go. It helps you keep perspective on things without him influencing and manipulating you.

You need to come up with an agreement on when he can see the kids.

Do you have any RL support? If not, please do ask any questions on here as there are a lot of woman who have been where you are and can offer really sensible advice.

Are you worried at all about him hurting you again (or hurting the kids?)

[Hena1982]

Thank you - he meets the kids on set days and times. However the issue is the kids don't want to go out with him anywhere or spend time with his place. They would rather spend time with him at home in their comfort zone.
I have allowed it so the kids are happy and on his arrival I will go out and spend my time elsewhere or get on with my jobs.
But he walked out on us all and before he left was adamant of wanting a divorce but since he's left he has not brought it up once and states I'm just going with the flow.
I feel in limbo about everything feel i have no direction and I think subconsciously still waiting for him to make decisions. But I don't know why because in everything else I'm a very confident and successful individual

[Hena1982]

NoJanine I'm not worried about him hurting the kids or me, but I feel at ease with him being around my daughter because of his behaviour in the past, the sexual abuse the cheating he's done (with some family members) makes me sick and morally wrong.

[Hena1982]

Sorry NotJanine - I meant I feel at unease

[NotJanine]

I can see why you are having difficulty with this, lots of things wrong with the current setup.

You need your own safe space and he shouldn't be coming to your house if you don't want him to. I can understand that the children want it, but is there some middle ground that can be reached - he takes them out someone instead or they meet at a relatives? (how old are they?)

Can you afford to start divorce proceedings against him?

Regarding the abuse, you might want to talk to somewhere like Womens Aid? I've seen them recommended on here before. Hopefully someone with more experience will be along to advise.

I know what you mean about not understanding why you can't cope with it, as you think you're a competent person. It's the abuse that's made you feel like this. I know that I have found myself struggling to make trivial decisions sometimes. You don't realise how deep-seated their behaviour has affected you. The good news is that you have now separated and can work towards having a happy life without him

[Hena1982]

They are wrong I know that but seem to keep telling myself that it was he best thing for the kids as I wanted to cause less minimal damage to them.

I have very mixed feelings one minute I'm ok the next I'm not guess I'm trying to deal with what he's put me through and get on with it too. There is no middle ground unfortunately as he has fallen out with his family when he left and the second affair he had was with his sister in law (brothers wife) so it's awkward for him to go round to his parents.
Since he left and walked out they have backed up not that they were heavily involved in our lives.

My son is 13 going to be 14 in May. My daughter is 6 she is 7 in two weeks. My son has seen far too much and is fully aware of the situation and it is not the first time he has experienced his dad not being around. They are not very close.
Where as my daughter she knows know better and she is happy to see him but at home.

He is willing to be pay for the divorce proceedings and initially wanted the divorce before he moved out and was mentally abusing me for 5 months making me feel that I will always have trust issues and I will never be right with him (even though in last 2/3 years we were at our best - well so I keep telling myself) and he doesn't love me nomore etc. But since he's actually moved out has not encouraged or stated he wants a divorce etc he has no grounds to file a divorce and I do so he was back then in oct/Sep 2016 pressuring me to file.

I have had 12 years of physical and sexual abuse from him. But never seeked help as we have got back together but this time the mental abuse was horrific and broke me and I knew he was cheating which I then set him to fail to catch him red hand. Iv asked my GP for help I'm crying for help or some counselling but everyone keeps stating I'm ok I have things in control etc

I don't feel a difference with him leaving or going as there wasn't much support emotionally physically financially or with the kids - I did it all. But it still is so hard and trying to do what's right by kids as I don't want them thinking our mum was he bad one 😪