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He just won't leave

(23 Posts)
CreamTeaTotty Wed 15-Feb-17 23:33:28

I'm in the process of divorcing my STBXH who has been having EA / fullA for about eight and a half years. Also a number of other reasons to be divorcing him...

The Petition is in. He said to the kids at the end of December that he would be leaving 'in about a month'. And nothing has happened...

Today I texted asking when he's going and he said he wants to wait for the financial settlement first. Which will take MONTHS. Solicitor says I'm looking at July/Aug.

He owns the house, but I have registered home rights and am hoping to stay put. He wants to sell it and have money for a mortgage deposit rather than rent. The equity will not cover this. He's sleeping in the living room. The house is a small terrace.

It's an intolerable situation and I am getting very stressed and cannot sleep.

Arghhhhhh!

JaffaCakesMum Thu 16-Feb-17 09:03:46

I'm sorry I can't offer you any advice but I am in exactly the same position. It was last June/July that I told him I didn't want to be married to him any more after years of EA. He said he would move out on 1st Dec but he has also said many many times 'why should he move out'. So we are 7 and a half months down the line and still living in the same house. It really sucks and sadly you get used to it. I'm beginning to take control of things but I also accept it could be another year before he goes!

eastmidsmum Thu 16-Feb-17 18:37:33

In my experience abusive partners will never willingly leave, the status quo suits them! So you either have to resort to legal means, for which in theory you can get legal aid if you have one of the required forms of proof, or leave yourself, as I did six years ago.

eastmidsmum Thu 16-Feb-17 18:38:25

I meant proof of abuse

PigletWasPoohsFriend Thu 16-Feb-17 18:39:17

Unfortunately in law he doesn't have to leave until divorce and finances are settled.

In fact if he has a solicitor they will be telling him not to leave.

LizzyBennett Thu 16-Feb-17 18:42:39

I ended up paying the security deposit and first months rent on a flat as well as finding the bloody thing & arranging a payment plan to buy him out of the house in instalments, before he'd agree to go.

It killed me to do and is still crippling me financially, but is worth it for the sake of my mental health and well-being.

Would this work in your situation?

LizzyBennett Thu 16-Feb-17 18:44:13

I also went to see a solicitor and had a separation agreement drawn up before I parted with a penny

MrsBertBibby Thu 16-Feb-17 18:45:50

Have you issued your form A yet? If not, you need to get it done so the clock is running down.

FV45 Thu 16-Feb-17 23:12:02

I can empathise. Mine didn't leave until the money was in his account and even then I had to call police for advice as he was taking his merry time.

Most stressful time of my life. I was barely in the house.

Sorry OP flowers

cookiemon666 Fri 17-Feb-17 12:43:09

Ladies, I feel for all of you. My EA stbxh left unwillingly in August, he then a week later tried to come back, he spent an hour on the phone trying to wear me down.
I was not in a hurry to get divorced as I cannot afford it, he issued the petition in October. I am living in the marital home with our 4 children. He is pushing for the house to be sold as we have a joint debt together.
Initially I was worried about getting another house for the children and I, but solicitor confirmed yesterday that any profit will come to me, and he will only get his share when my youngest is 18.
Continue to be brave ladies, life is so much better when you come out the other side.xx

CreamTeaTotty Sun 19-Feb-17 10:33:49

What is Form A MrsBert?

CreamTeaTotty Sun 19-Feb-17 10:37:15

I'm trying to get my head around how I cope with this until the summer.
Have had words about splitting weekends with the children, moved a tea tray and kettle into my bedroom, booking in my own evenings out (he's seeing OW twice a week FFS!)

CreamTeaTotty Sun 19-Feb-17 10:40:38

The petition is in and I'm about to complete Form E and start mediation.

CreamTeaTotty Sun 19-Feb-17 10:44:30

Bearing in mind I've already gone through eight years of his EA and pretending to the outside world things are ok, this is sort of do-able I suppose. At least there's an end in sight.

He doesn't seem to care what the kids think or feel about this. He's sleeping in the living room, open plan, which is really awkward. I can't watch TV or play records in the evenings. I just sit in the bedroom with my iPad & headphones on.

sleepy2grumpy Wed 01-Mar-17 13:09:49

I'm in a similar situation, I don't know which way to turn. Been separated since last May, Nisi has been issued. My STBXH absolutely and totally refuses to move out. He is a DA to both me and my son, causing horrendous upset for us, everyday, it's like living in hell. I own the house, I am the only earner and I pay for everything, literally everything except the broadband and tv licence, both of which i can live without. STBXH makes no contribution to mortgage, car, insurance or utilities. Nothing. And this is supposed to be ok? It is FA and EA and he's getting away with. Living under my roof, causing us harm and not paying a penny. He's a bloody sponger and a low life.
There's nothing I can do, but sit and wait, it's driving me nuts. Why do I have to pay for him using my gas, my electric etc. I'm in a huge amount of debt because of him, oh and he drives around in my car (because it's a marital asset) of which he makes no contribution to the insurance or tax and everytime i use the car the bloody petrol light is on.
It is very wearing and people saying there's a light at the end of the very long tunnel is not helping.
I'm sorry OP for your situation, chin up and keep fighting. We can't do anything else x

blackteasplease Sun 05-Mar-17 22:22:58

I'm in a similar situation with EA stbxh. He refuses to leave the properly despite having a rent free place to stay and having been told by school how much upset this is all causing DD (8).

We've been supposedly separated from a year but foolishly I've been going round the houses with him trying to sort things amicably. Only just sent off divorce petition last week. Need to do Children Act and Finance forms asap.

blackteasplease Sun 05-Mar-17 22:23:31

Good luck to you OP and all of you in same situation. We will get there.

NooNooMummy Tue 07-Mar-17 21:02:07

For what it's worth, I just changed the locks and told STBX to stay away. And the police were sympathetic - all they wanted to know was that the property is my sole name. It is and so are all the bills. He was paying nothing.

I also had reason to fear his behaviour - he was behaving so horribly - and it was ridiculous that we were under the same roof but I was still expected to wait for mediation to start before I coup even think about a occupation order to get him out. And it was costing a fortune.

No lawyer would recommend this course of action but I'm so glad I took it. Good luck everyone x

sleepy2grumpy Wed 08-Mar-17 12:34:24

Thats really helpful to my situation NooNooMummy. Thank you

NooNooMummy Wed 08-Mar-17 18:46:42

Sleepy to grumpy - yes, our situations sound quite silmilat. Good luck and be v careful if you do take the law into your own hands. Wishing you all the best.

CreamTeaTotty Thu 09-Mar-17 16:17:43

I'm still waiting and sort of resigned to it... Things are moving along fairly quickly. Mediation happening. I'm just going out a lot now and trying to look to the future. Hopefully I'll be sorted by July/August.

Secretlife0fbees Sun 12-Mar-17 13:43:57

I was in an EA marriage which I ended at the beginning of January due to him starting to be verbally abusive to our 10yo. I womensaid who told me that this behaviour is a crime. 'Controlling and coercive behaviour'. He has been violent to me in the past but not for a long time however I started to feel very threatened by him and fear he might get physical. I was advised to report him to the DV unit of the police. They told me that I had every right to have him arrested. I had been writing down all the verbal stuff and dates and they also told me to record him in secret as this is v good evidence. I said that I wanted to try and get him out peacefully as he is a medical practitioner and I didn't actually want to ruin his career if I didn't have to. The police recorded that I had reported him. That night I gave him a choice: leave today or I will get you arrested and report you for domestic abuse. He left there and then. I then changed the locks (even though he could come back at any time technically but if he tried to force his way in then I would have grounds for reporting him) and have started the divorce proceedings. I too thought I would be stuck living with him for at least 6 months. I created a paper trail, went to my GP, got referred to a DV project and all this goes in my favour if he ever tried to come back. It's just something to think about if you're forced to live with someone who is abusing you and your dc. You don't have to.

Secretlife0fbees Sun 12-Mar-17 13:46:15

Getting an occupation order is very costly if you do it privately, however if you did it through the police (after having him arrested) then that's a different story. No one should have to live in fear in their own homes.

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