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My wife of four months cheated on me

(4 Posts)
gerryraffles23 Mon 13-Feb-17 21:47:01

Hi

Please excuse me for posting here. I must admit I am not a woman but I don't know where to turn or who to trust.

I have been with my wife for 3 years now and many more off and on up to 7. In 2016, we headed for the altar and got married in front of our friends and families. I thought it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

My wife moved to Paris for four months soon after as part of her professional development doing research in a lab for her Pharmaceutical career. I never had a problem with this; in fact, I drove her there and gave her my American Express so she wouldn't struggle. I was 100% behind her doing something for herself.

The four months weren't easy but finally she was due to return this weekend gone. Upon her return, I have found out that she was seeing someone and having sex with him. She lied about this on a number of occasions and I had to continue to dig and unearth evidence that she couldn't deny. It's less the sex (although not negligible, obviously) but the deceit involved. I have struggled to come to terms with the disrespect for me and our lives, the lies, the remorselessness (until she was caught, obviously). I found out initially from reading a text she had sent to her friends saying 'I had sex with someone last night but don't feel bad.'

Frankly, it turned my world upside down. Gone is my surefooting in life and I don't know to whom or to what I can turn. I am fairly certain that there has been some irreparable damage insofar as the trust is concerned and am not sure things can ever be the same.

Having said that, we are young (I am 25) and we share a flat in London that neither of us can afford to move out of. I have always had a base instinct to be kind to my wife so I don't have a problem with her staying.

She says she wants to fight for us and live together and try and figure things out but I am concerned that she is taking my nature and using it against me; manioulating me into staying with her.

I am 100% sure her tears, declarations and protestations are all a consequence of being caught and nothing else.

At this point, I am too confused. I don't know what to do and while I want to walk, I don't know that I am strong enough to and need to stop worrying about her and start worrying about me.

We are also Muslim and this is a great shame in our culture for something to come to light such as this and the effect it will have on her life (and, subsequently, mine) is substantial. The easy thing is to stay but I can't trust her. I'm not convinced that what is easy is necessarily right, anymore.

If anyone has any advice or has been through something similar and wouldn't mind sharing, I would be very interested to hear your take/advice.

Thanks.

EatsShitAndLeaves Mon 13-Feb-17 21:55:06

Hi - no initial words of wisdom but you are likely to get a better response to your thread in the relationships topic.

If you report your thread you can ask MNHQ to move it for you.

gerryraffles23 Mon 13-Feb-17 21:58:54

Hi thanks. Don't know how to report but have reposted.

EnormousTiger Tue 14-Feb-17 07:54:33

More men than women cannot tolerate adultery (although tha tmight just reflect the fact more women than men need the man for money so put up him playing away) but whether you can is up to you.

Under English law if you want to divorce you need to have been married for 12 months but you could set it in motion. You have been together 7 years I think not just married and that probably means you are outside the short marriage rules so financially that has an impact on divorce and post divorce maintenance although if you just rent a flat together rather than own and if you both work full time without children and earn the same a financial split should not be at all complex. If you do divorce then you need a court sealed consent order for a clean break to make sure neither can claim on the other later.

I would suggest you wait a bit and see how it goes. Loads of people can get over the trust issue. She might give you access to her phone and email passwords as a symbol of new trust. We had total openness in our marriage, did each other's tax returns, shared all bank accounts and that does work for plenty of couples.

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