desperately seeking advice

[Readytodrop]

Looking for any advice on quite a few different matters.... Will try to be as brief as I can

Currently in process of separating and most likely divorce as soon as possible.

Just a bit of background....

Been with H for 10 years, married for 3.5
Have 2 DC 3 years and 6 months
Just before and after my youngest was born H decided to cheat on me - I found out quite a while after. Foolishly gave him a second chance... He became really remorseful and couldn't be nicer and everything seemed to be working out then all of a sudden his behaviour changed again and he said he wasn't happy and thought we couldn't work it out as I would never forget or forgive for what he had done. I then found out he had been in e mail contact with the same woman throughout the time we were supposed to be working things out. 

Anyway all the finer details are probably irrelevant.

H has said he will move out and we can stay in house, says he will pay mortgage and child maintainence etc

Wants to do a DIY divorce which I have agreed to but I have insisted on a consent order - is this the right thing to do to ensure he sticks to what he agrees to? Although I understand this doesn't actually come into effect until the divorce is finalised?

H is self employed and has a limited company do even tho I know he gets a high daily rate/wage I know his actual salary as it appears is only 40 something k so even if I took him to court I wouldn't gain much ( so annoying!!).

So I'm thinking we need to agree whether to divorce  on grounds of adultery or unreasonable behaviour or just wait the 2 years. Not sure of the pros and cons of each of the options.

I am also on maternity leave but trying to work out whether it's going to be better off for me to not go back to work at all (then no childcare costs) or go back part time or full time?

I'm also not sure what happens in meantime from now until divorce - is he obliged to keep paying for everything he has always paid for ??

I'm just so confused and stressed out - don't need all this on top of a 6 month baby who never sleeps and a very troublesome toddler!!

If anyone can help with advice on any of the above is be so so grateful

Thanks

[JoJoSM2]

What a terrible situation... I think you could do with thorough, professional advice rather than bits and bobs on here... Good luck

[Readytodrop]

Thanks, yes I will be getting that but need to know in my own head what route I'm going down first before I spend endless money on legal advice

In the meantime I thought there may be some mums on here with some advice for me

[DeterminedToChange]

Because you cohabited before marrying, it would count as if you had been married for all that time, so it's a medium length marriage.

Is that right? Their children were born within the marriage - surely they don't take into account the years a couple spend living together without children?

It's a horrible time, OP - he's treated you very badly. If you can, though, try to stay on reasonable terms with him as the alternative can be awful.

[MrsBertBibby]

Yes it's right, it is pretty much always accepted that pre-marital cohabitation counts. Even for childless couples.

[Readytodrop]

Thanks al this is very helpful but I'm not sure I fully understand the bits about the fact we were cohabiting before getting married - what is the relevance of this? Thanks

[MrsBertBibby]

It just means he can't try to say you get less because it was a short marriage, OP.

[MrsBertBibby]

Anyway, my own view as to whether to divorce now or wait 2 years is that I've never seen a case where waiting helped, and I've seen plenty where it caused all sorts of problems.

[thethoughtfox]

From what I have read on previous threads, things can change quickly especially when he has another woman who he needs money to build a life wife, and may begin to influence things. If she is the OW, she may feel guilt and/ or anger towards you and resent time and money that she could lose out on.

[thethoughtfox]

• with not wife. Freudian slip?

[AcrossthePond55]

You need to see a solicitor immediately. Even if you aren't sure what you 'want'. The solicitor can help you figure that out. You don't want to 'short' yourself, nor do you want to expect too much.

And others are right, strike whilst the iron is hot!!!

Do you happen to know anyone who has gone through a divorce and been satisfied with what they ended up with? Or whom you thought 'made out' OK? Call them and ask who their solicitor was.

[Readytodrop]

Thanks ladies - I will have to meet H and discuss things and see if he will agree to adultery or unreasonable behaviour and then see a solicitor and go from there.

Do you know if I get a consent order from my solicitor is it right that it doesn't come into effect until divorced?

Thanks again for your help

[MrsBertBibby]

The Court can't approve a consent order until you have decree Nisi, and it doesn't take effect until Decree Absolute.

[MrsBertBibby]

And you don't need him to agree to an unreasonable behaviour petition. Nice if he does, but by no means necessary.

[AcrossthePond55]

Solicitor first!