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desperately seeking advice

(19 Posts)
Readytodrop Sun 12-Feb-17 16:06:06

Looking for any advice on quite a few different matters.... Will try to be as brief as I can

Currently in process of separating and most likely divorce as soon as possible.

Just a bit of background....

Been with H for 10 years, married for 3.5
Have 2 DC 3 years and 6 months
Just before and after my youngest was born H decided to cheat on me - I found out quite a while after. Foolishly gave him a second chance... He became really remorseful and couldn't be nicer and everything seemed to be working out then all of a sudden his behaviour changed again and he said he wasn't happy and thought we couldn't work it out as I would never forget or forgive for what he had done. I then found out he had been in e mail contact with the same woman throughout the time we were supposed to be working things out. 

Anyway all the finer details are probably irrelevant.

H has said he will move out and we can stay in house, says he will pay mortgage and child maintainence etc

Wants to do a DIY divorce which I have agreed to but I have insisted on a consent order - is this the right thing to do to ensure he sticks to what he agrees to? Although I understand this doesn't actually come into effect until the divorce is finalised?

H is self employed and has a limited company do even tho I know he gets a high daily rate/wage I know his actual salary as it appears is only 40 something k so even if I took him to court I wouldn't gain much ( so annoying!!).

So I'm thinking we need to agree whether to divorce  on grounds of adultery or unreasonable behaviour or just wait the 2 years. Not sure of the pros and cons of each of the options.

I am also on maternity leave but trying to work out whether it's going to be better off for me to not go back to work at all (then no childcare costs) or go back part time or full time?

I'm also not sure what happens in meantime from now until divorce - is he obliged to keep paying for everything he has always paid for ??

I'm just so confused and stressed out - don't need all this on top of a 6 month baby who never sleeps and a very troublesome toddler!!

If anyone can help with advice on any of the above is be so so grateful


JoJoSM2 Sun 12-Feb-17 16:11:20

What a terrible situation... I think you could do with thorough, professional advice rather than bits and bobs on here... Good luck

Readytodrop Sun 12-Feb-17 16:25:40

Thanks, yes I will be getting that but need to know in my own head what route I'm going down first before I spend endless money on legal advice

In the meantime I thought there may be some mums on here with some advice for me

Fidelia Sun 12-Feb-17 16:54:34

So sorry to hear this.

Firstly, all the assets you both own are part of the marital pot. That includes pensions, businesses, property, shares etc. Also included is any debt in both names, or debt you can prove that is the result of funding the family lifestyle.

Because you cohabited before marrying, it would count as if you had been married for all that time, so it's a medium length marriage. Don't let him try and convince you otherwise.

Now this is important, I was told this and ignored it:

- Right now he is feeling guilty, so he's being reasonable. That will wear off. Now is the time to get things done quickly. File for unreasonable behaviour or adultery (but only if you have proof, or if he's will to admit to adultery). Get to mediation and agree the financials and have the mediator draw up a memorandum of understanding, and get your solicitor to draw up the consent order.

I waited so that I could cope with it better, but my Ex's guilt wore off and he started playing low level power games (delaying tactics, agreeing things and then making changes etc). Cheating Ex's tend to go from guilt, to anger. I have no idea why they get so angry, but it's best to get things done while they feel guilt.

So get to a solicitor and get things moving. Find out what you'd be entitled to.

Also, you may find that it costs more to go back to work than to go on income support until both dc are at depends on how well paid your job is, and whether you have good support networks locally (for days when the dc are ill and you can't leave them in childcare...mine got chickenpox after each other and between them that meant 3 weeks in a row not going out!)

Fidelia Sun 12-Feb-17 16:55:40

Sorry, that was meant to say that "all the assets you EACH own are part of the marital pot"

DeterminedToChange Sun 12-Feb-17 16:58:40

Because you cohabited before marrying, it would count as if you had been married for all that time, so it's a medium length marriage.

Is that right? Their children were born within the marriage - surely they don't take into account the years a couple spend living together without children?

It's a horrible time, OP - he's treated you very badly. If you can, though, try to stay on reasonable terms with him as the alternative can be awful.


MrsBertBibby Sun 12-Feb-17 19:21:09

Yes it's right, it is pretty much always accepted that pre-marital cohabitation counts. Even for childless couples.

Fidelia Sun 12-Feb-17 19:42:41

Yes, legally it's all taken as if you were married the whole time if you lived together and then married.

Readytodrop Sun 12-Feb-17 20:07:09

Thanks al this is very helpful but I'm not sure I fully understand the bits about the fact we were cohabiting before getting married - what is the relevance of this? Thanks

MrsBertBibby Sun 12-Feb-17 20:57:46

It just means he can't try to say you get less because it was a short marriage, OP.

MrsBertBibby Sun 12-Feb-17 21:00:02

Anyway, my own view as to whether to divorce now or wait 2 years is that I've never seen a case where waiting helped, and I've seen plenty where it caused all sorts of problems.

thethoughtfox Sun 12-Feb-17 21:06:39

From what I have read on previous threads, things can change quickly especially when he has another woman who he needs money to build a life wife, and may begin to influence things. If she is the OW, she may feel guilt and/ or anger towards you and resent time and money that she could lose out on.

thethoughtfox Sun 12-Feb-17 21:07:38

* with not wife. Freudian slip?

AcrossthePond55 Sun 12-Feb-17 22:41:07

You need to see a solicitor immediately. Even if you aren't sure what you 'want'. The solicitor can help you figure that out. You don't want to 'short' yourself, nor do you want to expect too much.

And others are right, strike whilst the iron is hot!!!

Do you happen to know anyone who has gone through a divorce and been satisfied with what they ended up with? Or whom you thought 'made out' OK? Call them and ask who their solicitor was.

Readytodrop Mon 13-Feb-17 08:12:59

Thanks ladies - I will have to meet H and discuss things and see if he will agree to adultery or unreasonable behaviour and then see a solicitor and go from there.

Do you know if I get a consent order from my solicitor is it right that it doesn't come into effect until divorced?

Thanks again for your help

MrsBertBibby Mon 13-Feb-17 09:42:45

The Court can't approve a consent order until you have decree Nisi, and it doesn't take effect until Decree Absolute.

MrsBertBibby Mon 13-Feb-17 09:43:33

And you don't need him to agree to an unreasonable behaviour petition. Nice if he does, but by no means necessary.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 13-Feb-17 14:34:24

Solicitor first!

LewisAH16 Mon 13-Feb-17 21:22:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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