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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

Give ex in different country custody??

17 replies

user1473538857 · 12/02/2017 13:01

My husband and I want to separate and I'm 8 months pregnant. We didn't know each other for long before we married and we want to stay on good terms.

The huge problem is that we come from different countries - his is outside the EU and I'm in the UK and we don't want to/ can't live in each others' countries. I have no idea what to do, whether to keep the baby with me as a single mum or give custody to his dad. I don't know if there's any way of sharing custody in these situations?

I've been really depressed and had a difficult pregnancy - I can't imagine being a single mum but the thought of giving up my baby forever also scares me. It also makes me feel sad for him to be away from his dad - who I really feel will give him so much love. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

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LIZS · 12/02/2017 13:09

Get yourself well before you make any decisions. Is ex already living abroad? Also it rather depends where his home country is as to whether your access could be restricted by their law or politics.

abbsisspartacus · 12/02/2017 13:12

Go talk to your midwife about your depression I think you might regret giving your baby away from your OP it seems you need some real life support

Quodlibet · 12/02/2017 13:14

Was it an arranged marriage OP? I hope you don't mind the question.

You sound very overwhelmed at the moment and like you don't feel very in control of circumstances. I'm not surprised, having a baby in any circumstance can be overwhelming.

Do you have any real life support who could help you with the decisions you are facing? My immediate thought is that you need a good source of support to help you through the birth and in the immediate post natal period. Giving up custody of your child is a huge decision and one that you shouldn't be making when you are under any pressure or when you are thinking of doing so because you feel unsupported.

Have you talked to your midwife team about how low you are feeling?

user1473538857 · 12/02/2017 13:36

I'm currently abroad in my husband's country, been going back and forth between here and UK, so its hard for me to get any sustained support from UK team. It wasn't exactly arranged but we come from conservative backgrounds and had to marry quickly. I feel so depressed here, and he can't/ doesn't want to come to the UK. I think the situation is depressing for him also - when he's not looking after me he just sleeps.

I'm anaemic and still have morning sickness, and have been really miserable. I also lost my job when I took early leave as I was employed as a "contractor".

My parents work so couldn't give me much support, but my ex only works mornings, can get cheap childcare and lives with his mum. The only person I can actually talk to about this is my husband/ex. We wish if there was a solution...we want to do what's right for the baby and we don't want to start fighting each other.

OP posts:

LIZS · 12/02/2017 13:47

Are you planning to give birth there, as it is now late to return to UK? Will the baby be registered as British? Is there any maternity support on offer, La Leche League perhaps, who could refer you for support with your depression or try an online expat forum You also really need to find out where you stand legally if you try to remove your baby from the country, maybe from the British consul.

user1473538857 · 12/02/2017 13:59

I will register the child as British and get a passport. And I can take him out with me though I'd need to wait until he gets the British passport.

I was planning on giving birth here, but now I'm having second thoughts...I still have a couple of weeks left if I get a doctors note. There is antenatal care, but nothing much on depression.

OP posts:

Quodlibet · 12/02/2017 14:30

I think you need to urgently look into your legal position and that of the child. You may be on good terms with your ex now but if you fell out and he became obstructive it could become very difficult to get your child back into the UK. You'd probably be much safer from a legal PoV giving birth in the UK and registering the birth here if you are planning to live here.

Quodlibet · 12/02/2017 14:31

And you need to move fast, before you are too late to fly.

Alanna1 · 12/02/2017 14:36

I think you should consult a suitable lawyer here in the UK. Quodlibet is also right that soon you won't be able to fly. If I was in your shoes (which obviously I'm not!!) I'd want to have my baby here in the UK and then make decisions after that. Good luck.

Gallavich · 12/02/2017 14:38

You should come back to the UK immediately and give birth here. Why would you think of giving custody to the dad?

user1473538857 · 12/02/2017 18:41

Thanks for the replies...

I don't know...I feel mentally and practically he'd be better at looking after him. I'd feel awful leaving my baby but I'd feel awful taking/keeping him away from his dad and a stable home. I really don't know.

We don't have any problems or animosity with each other - its the situation has made things so difficult. But yes I guess everything changes when kids arrive...here a woman usually has custody until age 7, though you can draw up your own enforceable arrangement. Other than that there aren't that many protections.

I think it would def be sensible legally if I give birth in UK...I didn't think about it before because I'm getting way more practical help here.

OP posts:

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 12/02/2017 18:45

Fly back to uk to give birth. Ser your gp about your feelings.
You hardly know your husband. You dont know how he will parent at all.

Angryangryyoungwoman · 12/02/2017 18:46

Give birth in the UK. It gives you more options long term. This is really important.

jeaux90 · 12/02/2017 20:51

Are you in the gulf? I had my daughter out there and split with the father and it was hard to me to make sure I could leave once I had her.

I'm a single mum, it's really ok honestly. Do you have family back in the uk that will support you?

My advice is come back and have the baby here. This is from experience as you don't really know how he is going to react when the baby arrives, he could easily prevent you from leaving.

Quodlibet · 12/02/2017 23:56

Why do you feel that mentally/practically your partner would be the better parent? You seem to have very low confidence in your own capacity. Can your parents or friends support you in an emotional capacity, if not in a practical one?

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 13/02/2017 00:13

You will be a good e ough mother tonthis baby because you will be the only mother it has - its whole universe. Don't give up your bany because you think, or are being made to think, you're not up to being a good parent - you are. None of us know what kind of parent we'l be until we are one - and, frankly, the baby teaches you most of what you need to know. Come back to the UK as a priority amd work everything else out from there. Imagine spending the rest of your life aching for your baby. Don't do that to yourself - or to him/her. Your ex os choosing to stay in his country so clearly has that as a priority over being with his child.

Quodlibet · 13/02/2017 10:13

^^ yep this is excellent advice.

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