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Feel sad - ex-DH new relationship

(9 Posts)
Deadsouls Sun 05-Feb-17 19:01:26

Well....I wondered if anyone has been through this.
Separated from ex-DH since about 2013 and divorced in 2014. The way it ended was messy and I made lots of mistakes. I have regrets that I didn't try harder to work through our problems.
Ex-DH now has girlfriend. He's taking her to ex-SIL's 50th birthday and she's met his niece. Somehow, this makes me feel sad, and replaced, and I burst into tears about it. All the abandonment stuff is mine, I know that. (Childhood experience), but its so difficult to come to terms with the new partner. I was close to the family for years. And still close with his grown up nieces. It's just the thought of not being a part of it anymore and HER getting invited to family events. I didn't expect that it would hit me this hard.
I accept this is all a part of moving on but I just wanted to put it out there and know that I wasn't alone.
I haven't met anyone new. And not really looking tbh. As the primary carer with two small children, and studying I feel I don't have time. Plus I don't even know how to meet anyone! Blahhhhh....feel alone

OP’s posts: |
Msqueen33 Sun 05-Feb-17 19:04:36

Hugs. I think it's hard when they meet someone new and you are on your own and everything looks rosy for them whilst you're struggling. How often does your ex have the kids? Could you maybe fit in an undemanding hobby? Maybe use Meetup or local Facebook groups to meet other single parents to go out with and what about online dating. Be kind to yourself. All might not be as it seems and as horrible as it seems sometimes it's better to be alone than in an unhappy relationship.

Hassled Sun 05-Feb-17 19:07:42

Oh that must really hurt - I'm sorry. When you divorce someone it's not just him/her you're divorcing, it's the whole extended family who have become your family - it's bloody hard. But you'll always be the mother of their grandchildren/cousins, so you'll always have some sort of a place in their minds. Keep sending the birthday/Christmas cards if that's what's normal for you - make sure they realise you still care about them regardless of what else is going on. I did manage to keep a good relationship with my first H's family despite us both eventually remarrying, but there was some initial awkwardness - you just have to plough through it, and it does get easier.

Deadsouls Sun 05-Feb-17 19:19:48

Awww thank you for the words and understanding.
Ex is a great day and I do get regular time off. So I could start rebuilding my own social life. I just haven't yet. I haven't felt ready. I've got meet-up! Just got to take the plunge. It IS better this way, and I know that. We were both unhappy. Part of me is truly genuinely happy for him. After all why should he not be with someone.

Thanks for suggestion re; cards etc. It's true that I can keep the connection alive. I'm not great Ruth birthdays though...(maybe I could make more effort).

Something about her meeting the family really hits me somehow, not sure why? I always cry and feel a bit threatened.

OP’s posts: |
gingina Sun 05-Feb-17 19:20:48

I loved my ex's family and we are still in touch but exs new wife is now invited to family gatherings and I still hate it.
His sister has just got married and I wasn't invited. Quite rightly as it would have been weird for everyone but I've known her since she was 12 and we used to be really close so it did hurt.
No advice. Just to say understand how you feel! smile

Msqueen33 Sun 05-Feb-17 19:24:09

I found it really sad with my last partner. We were together for 7 years and I adored his mum and dad. After a few months after we'd split up it petered out because I think they felt like they couldn't keep in touch with me and bond with his new partner. I think you need to take plunge and take a gamble and just got for it. That's hard I know. I know I need to rebuild my social and take the plunge but it is hard to start again.

Hermonie2016 Mon 06-Feb-17 11:54:14

There are so many losses in divorce and I think we often assume it's over when the paperwork is done. Hugs to you as I know it's a difficult time. I have yet to go through these stages but already feel the loss.

Ilovecaindingle Mon 06-Feb-17 11:56:47

My ex met someone before I did and I felt the same. Then I thought about all the crapiness that will be coming her way before too long and I felt much better. . I met someone and we are married with a toddler. . My ex is a distant bad memory. .
There is a great life out here for you too. Xx

Deadsouls Mon 06-Feb-17 13:58:55

Thank you all for responding.
I feel better today. I think I feel worse losing his family rather than the actual marriage. Though of course nostalgia kicks in now and then.
It's the jealousy, and it's not really about him but that she's meeting his family! It's not rational, I accept that, but I can't help feeling my feelings.
I think I assumed divorce would be cut and dry but I think I cut off my feelings for a long while.

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