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Desperately need advice!

(14 Posts)
addlebrained Sun 05-Feb-17 08:56:02

Can anyone help?! I have a DH with depression and have 2 DS - we are supposed to be moving in a few months to a new city but I feel like we will take our problems with us and maybe I should move further with the DSs to where my family and friends are.

DH is really quite selfish and can be emotionally manipulative as well as the fact that he works long hours and weekends have become a nightmare as he won't engage with the kids for more than a few minutes (if that) and there is always shouting. He can't tolerate them at all! They are a handful (very active and typical 'boys' iykwim). I am walking on eggshells and have had enough.

I'm worried if we move together and I say he has to have counselling etc (and me too I think!) that it will all peter out and we will be unhappy in a new place with no family, but I am also worried I haven't been forceful enough in asking him to get help and therefore haven't given him a chance to change!

Please can anyone who has experienced this help? I have heard the LTB type stuff but nobody talks about this IRL so I would appreciate similar situation advice!

RueDeDay Sun 05-Feb-17 08:59:03

Given the chance, I would definitely move back to your family and friends. If things improve in the relationship, great, and if not, you have a support network to fall back on.

Don't let his depression be an excuse for his emotionally abusive behaviour.

addlebrained Sun 05-Feb-17 09:02:48

Thanks for replying rue. I feel things are leaning that way but the guilt and guilt trip I will get are overwhelming and I need so emotional ammo!!

addlebrained Sun 05-Feb-17 09:03:40

He would be moving with us by the way - we would be 2-3 hours apart if I move to family etc. He has already committed to the new job elsewhere...

addlebrained Sun 05-Feb-17 09:13:11

*not be moving with us!! angry

RueDeDay Sun 05-Feb-17 09:26:43

That still wouldn't change my advice! In fact it might strengthen it wink

Re him 'not being given enough chances to change' I bet you a million bucks that you have told him, again and again, in lots of different ways, how his behaviour is affecting you and the kids. I bet you have told him quietly in private, in tears, in anger... and in vain. He doesn't give enough of a shit about you and the kids to listen. It's only when the consequences of his behaviour start to affect him (ie you leave) that you'll get the crocodile tears and the remorse and the 'I didn't realise, now I'll change' promises.

It's all horseshit in my experience.

BillyBob22 Sun 05-Feb-17 09:32:33

If your not happy just go. If things improve stay.
BillyBob22 xx

addlebrained Sun 05-Feb-17 13:44:52

Thanks Rue - you are right. It is so hard to try to make the break. I need to do what is best for me and the kids and ignore the emotional blackmail...

addlebrained Sun 05-Feb-17 13:45:35

Thanks billy - the problem is knowing whether or not they are likely to improve - if I knew they would I would have no dilemma!

picklemepopcorn Sun 05-Feb-17 13:53:54

He's had lots of time to change, and it was his choice not to. It's not your responsibility to get him to change.
You know what you need to do. When you are separated, he can then work out what he wants to do. Maybe he'll change, maybe not. Maybe you'll still be emotionally available when he finally shapes up, maybe not.
For now, to keep you and DCs safe and emotionally supported, you need to be near family.

addlebrained Sun 05-Feb-17 14:04:57

I agree pickle - was thinking the same just now re maybe I will be available if it does happen and maybe not etc

Now if anyone has good advice re how to break the bad news...?! confused

picklemepopcorn Sun 05-Feb-17 19:27:06

How much did he ask you about the move? Did he just assume you would follow, or was there a proper discussion? Will he buy or rent in the new place?

You could do it slowly-
I need a bit more support, and don't want to be a burden to you during the move, so while you set up in the new place I'll stay with my parents. When we see how you settle we'll think about what to do next.

Or-
Actually, i don't want to move there right now. It's very hard supporting you and the children, so I'm going to move nearer home, where I will get some support too. It will be better for you because you'll only need to look after yourself and you can concentrate on getting well again without all the pressure from us.

addlebrained Sun 05-Feb-17 19:46:05

Thanks pickle - that's a good idea. We were both looking forward to the move and I would still love to live there but not as single parent! We have started a discussion this evening and he is adamant that he wants to arrange counselling and put things in place to try harder - I am just thinking about all we have said...

picklemepopcorn Sun 05-Feb-17 20:34:39

I could get behind a nice guy realising he needs counselling, but you described him as emotionally manipulative and can't tolerate the kids. I don't think you can get counselling for that... Sounds to me like he thinks counselling will help you manage his problems. Read your OP again and see if what you wrote rings true. If it does then, tbh, what is there to salvage?

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