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Husband wants a 'break'

(35 Posts)
Jenjane1 Wed 25-Jan-17 13:17:17

I'm new to this but I just need some advise and maybe just somewhere to vent....
My husband and I have been together 7 years and our 4 year wedding anniversary is next week and on Friday he told me that he wants a break and some time to clear his head. This came as a complete shock to me as I thought we had been getting on completely fine. It hasnt always been plain sailing, we have had 2 occasions similar to this where he has said he doesn't know what he wants. The same time every year actually!! But this past year we haven't had any arguments and I thought we had gotten past any of his previous issues.

He has basically said it boils down to the fact that we don't have a 'foundation'. I fell pregnant our first daughter 3 months into our relationship. I wasn't a very nice person when I was pregnant I couldnt bare him near me. But we got through that after my hormones settled and we were happy together. I am his first proper sexual relationship aswell. We got married and everything was perfect. I got extremely broody and we had our 2nd 2 years ago. Something that I know I pushed more than I should have. I know now that we should have put the time and care into our marriage and not added more pressure. My pregnancy was awful he was horrible to me and acted resentful towards me. He was getting a bit too close to a female PT down the gym which caused a lot of upset. I then suffered with PND after having DS2. It was all a tough time on the both of us, he's been in and out of jobs unhappy with himself and where his life was going.
Last year we had a brief separation and both ended up back together agreeing on some changes.

I've been as supportive as any wife could be,he's quite a self centred person very In to his own image, down the gym every night and is pretty tunnel visioned but I have accepted these things -noone is perfect. Our son is a very tricky 2 year old, extremely clingy and screams the night away and has done for 2 years.
Anyway I'm rambling. As it stands he's explained to me that we have never had time for just the 2 of us and he's not unsure whether we r together for the children or for us. There's something he feels that isn't right. He says we have lost a sexual connection and doesn't know how to get it back. He says he loves me, fancies me but just doesn't know where to go from here. He's currently in training for the police so staying away and isn't back until next weekend. I don't know how to play this. I have respected he needs space and I'm am trying so hard to focus on me and the kids. I am willing to to whatever it takes but when I asked him if he wants to sleep with other woman he said he didn't want to sleep with loads of people he just wants that connection.
I just feel so anxious not knowing what he really wants and I don't really think he kows himself.
Anyone had a similar situation?

user1477282676 Wed 25-Jan-17 13:33:36

I'm sorry OP. flowers But I would be looking at him having possibly met someone else.

Do you both own your house?

gillybeanz Wed 25-Jan-17 13:39:20

I'm sorry OP, I too would say ow, but it's strange this happens at the same time every year.
Is there a chance that the last time coincided with him getting too close to the instructor.
It does seem like the two of you want different things, maybe it's time to move on irrespective of the possibility of another woman.

Jenjane1 Wed 25-Jan-17 16:32:31

I don't think he physically has another woman but I think he has one in his mind. He's open to the possibility of feeling this spark with another woman. But this is what confuses me as he says he does want me and still fancies me. I do think a spark takes both people to make an effort though, making time so it's not always a quick thing. Perhaps he just has the itch for something new seem as he hasn't experiences other women. The responsibilities of life have gotten too much for him and he just wants someone that has attention just for him. It's difficult to know too much because everything he says is conflicting and it's via text. He's a couple of hours away I have no idea who he's with or anything but he wants me to hold on for another 5 months whilst he sorts his head out. Sometimes I feel desperate and weak and i think of course I'll wait but then I feel strong and why should I be dangled whilst he figures out if he wants me. We don't own our own house so financially speaking there wouldn't be much to disagree on. I don't want it to come to that but i can't live in limbo. It's all so unexpectedsad. Thankyou for your replies it really helps talking about it

user1477282676 Thu 26-Jan-17 04:04:28

OP I mean this kindly but the fact that this has all coincided with his training event is a BIG red flag. He wants you to wait for 5 months...because he's stalling.

He's probably seeing someone on his course and she may also have a partner. He wants his cake but is obviously feeling guilty too.

Can you check his social media? You'll be in a better position once you know.

Bluntness100 Thu 26-Jan-17 04:21:38

I'm not so sure he is seeing someone on th course, but i would say that he may be looking elsewhere and going through a big life change. Being a police officer in addition is often not conducive to a happy marriage. Getting pregnant after being together three months was very foolish on both your parts, so yes, it doesn't seem you ever did develop a relationship in the tradional sense and then when you got breathing space, pushing for a second child possibly added to it. His question on whether it's about the kids or you both is highly likely to be a valid one.

I'm guessing you were both quite young when you got together. If you want to be with him, and you have thought about that and are sure, then give him space and time to decide.

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 26-Jan-17 05:08:46

From what I'm reading, it sounds as though you were both very young and inexperienced when you got together. I imagine you are both still relatively young.

I could write that he's selfish and a bastard. I'm not going to, because he has been there when a totally selfish man would have left. And it sounds as you've both had and especially you are having a very hard time. That said, his going to the gym every night would be a deal breaker for me and if your relationship is to continue, this imo would be something to change.

For now though, you do have choices. You can allow him that opportunity to go out and "look" and "experience" with the view that you both love each other and he will come back to you. However, you don't have to allow him this at all. And of course the risk is that he either won't come back or if he does, the relationship is ruined.

TBH I don't think he's giving you any choice so I think you will have to let him go. However, you don't have to let him come back to you at any cost. And whilst you are on a break, I'd maybe do some reading into emotional boundaries and self esteem because it's not normal that you are home alone every night with a screaming child while he's out preening his body. It isn't healthy for either of you. Or your children.

There is a big wide world out there of men, who would rather look at you than a reflection of themselves in the mirror. So if he's expecting little wifie to just sit there and wait, he may also be in for a big surprise. Because self discovery works both ways and you would also be "on a break". If you do work on your self esteem, you may actually discover there is someone out there, who wants to treat you better.

tabithasgran Thu 26-Jan-17 05:50:38

Because self discovery works both ways and you would also be "on a break". If you do work on your self esteem, you may actually discover there is someone out there, who wants to treat you better.

This!
Let him have his space but don't wait about like a plumb.
So say " yes ok have some space I could do with some too!"

Jenjane1 Thu 26-Jan-17 09:37:28

Your answers are so true. He's not a complete selfish bastard as like u said he would have bailed out a long time ago. We were 20 when we first got together so very young, I was doing a law degree and alot more confident compared to now. Whereas he had self esteem issues therefore the tables have turned and he probably knows he can find anyone he likes maybe someone who spends all their time in the gym too. Although I do know that the world isn't limited to him and my career goals will resume when DS2 is in school. Self discovery really is the key I just don't know how and where to start when I have the young ones.

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 26-Jan-17 10:11:24

Self discovery with small children is harder of course. You take a day at a time. As for your husband having good self esteem now, I wouldn't be so sure of that. Even though it may appear so. He has found something to focus on - his appearance - and it may be masking his true feelings about himself. Perhaps I'm mistaken though. You are still very young and have your whole life to pursue your dreams and goals.

Jenjane1 Thu 26-Jan-17 10:23:23

He still has his issues, going from job to job and feeling like a failure. Sergeant major father so never feeling good enough so I think his new career goal has alot of pressure involved. We have always put his unhappiness down to the fact jesus always been miserable in his job. I feel abandoned and betrayed because I've encouraged and supported him and now he's found what he wants to do in life he's dropped me. I suppose all I can do is see what happens if it's meant to be then it will. I'm going to stop asking questions that I don't think he can answer. He's coming back next weekend to see the kids, I'm unsure whether to try and spark anything and stick around or be pleasant and then say to the kids I have work, stay at my mums and let him 'enjoy' the kids for the weekend. He often seems as though he doesn't want to deal with the kids when he is home so maybe he will get an insight into how a permanent separation will be.
He probably will never realise what a lovely family he has until it's been broken up..

mistermagpie Thu 26-Jan-17 10:24:36

I work with the police and my ex husband is a cop. They have a -lovely- saying, "join the force, get a divorce", because affairs are so rife with new recruits, especially when they are away training. I'm not saying he is having an affair, but based on the history and the way he is acting it is very possible that he has had his head turned byt somebody on the course and this has set him thnking.

It's all very well giving him 'space' but when do you get any space with two demanding children?

What do you want to happen? Are you happy with him generally?

grannytomine Thu 26-Jan-17 10:31:15

I take it he is away on initial police training course? My experience is these courses are a bit of a world of their own, lots goes on, a favourite trick used to be setting the fire alarms off to see who comes out of which bedroom.

He might be feeling guilty about what he has been up to or wishing he could join in and having a break would give him more of a clear conscience if you know what I mean.

It is difficult but if you want to save your marriage I think you need to give reality a chance to return, which it will when he joins a division, and then work on it. It depends what you want to do and are prepared to put up with.

Jenjane1 Thu 26-Jan-17 10:35:56

That is an awful saying...I have heard similar things about the police aswell. Makes me feel so sick. Well I've always had a feeling of being second best to either the gym or his phone. He's never been interested in family things he likes doing nothing and says that he's been at work all week and doesn't want to be going anywhere. He doesn't like having dinner with family and can be quite cold towards the kids sometimes. Like I said - more interested in his phone watching videos and never really engaging with any of us. Don't get me wrong sometimes he plays with the kids and is what I'd say was normal. More normal in the last 6 months but maybe I'm seeing things with rose tinted glasses. We mainly argue because if he can be out either in the shop or wherever he will be which obviously leaves me feeling stressed and unwanted. But I'm the one to blame for 'always being on his case'.
I've always been a really laid back person so what he classes as always on his case, I would not.
He's been a bully on and off throughout our relationship putting me down but that hasn't happened for a while. I need to prepare for him meeting another woman. And I don't think it will be a one night stand type thing either.

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 26-Jan-17 10:38:37

That does sound shit, yes. Is your mum supportive? If she is, going to your mums sounds like a great idea. Maybe you could meet up with some friends whild you're there. I don't know what you like doing. But you could buy a book or borrow a couple of books from the library on the self discovery front. Or if you're feeling battered and you'd prefer to have some fiction about a woman, who finds life better once she's separated from her husband, get yourself a copy of Watermelon by Marian Keyes or some other easy to read novel.

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 26-Jan-17 10:40:55

Just read your update. He doesn't sound like a catch tbh. Perhaps better left to the shallow girls. There is a world of nice men out there. Honestly.

Jenjane1 Thu 26-Jan-17 10:47:03

She is supportive but my dad cheats on her and she's just found out that he's been visiting swinging clubs and all sorts so she's not in the best place. I won't get a break to do anything for myself for a while, until he's back next weekend but I'm going to join the gym and see if my friends want to go to the cinema or anything. That will be our anniversary weekend aswell. I'll look for that book on my kindle thankyou for the suggestion.

FinallyHere Thu 26-Jan-17 10:53:51

Absolutely, I would sort out the financial settlement and then ask him to leave. How very dare he want to go out and see if there is something better but hold you, and your family in reserve as plan B.

I hope you get to see how a good relationship can work, where you both feel supported to reach your goals. All the very, very best.

alltouchedout Thu 26-Jan-17 11:00:59

Is he worth it? He sounds to be very unpleasant to you, uninvolved with and cold towards the dc... what does he bring to your life that is positive?

pictish Thu 26-Jan-17 11:08:51

Op I'm so sorry...I don't think your marriage will survive.
I would make plans to move on if I were you. He's not a partner, he's just a husband. He wants out and you would do well for yourself to let him go.

GetAHaircutCarl Thu 26-Jan-17 11:24:12

I suspect he feels that he was too young for the responsibility of children and marriage.

It doesn't sound like he enjoys family life.

Of course no one made him stay with you, get married etc and it's to both your credit that you tried.

But it sounds like he's now tasted another side of life and regrets his hasty decision to settle down. Which is horrible for you, and not deserved, but what can you do?

If he wants a second go at single you can't stop him. Just makes sure he does what he must for your DC.

TheChosen1 Thu 26-Jan-17 11:38:34

Spruce yourself up, nails, hair, exercise. Don't call or message him. Make him want you by just being desireable. But at the same time think about whether you really want him!

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 26-Jan-17 11:48:11

Your parents don't sound as if they've been the best role models for relationships. It sounds as if he wants an open marriage and your mum doesn't. The book I suggested is pure self indulgence so it's simplistic and a bit of fun, but I think you could do with a bit of that. You can get the book second for a couple of quid on Amazon.

user1477282676 Thu 26-Jan-17 13:18:19

Chosen1 that's SHIT advice.

"Spruce yourself up"

"Make him want you"

Fuck that.

He should want her anyway. That's some shallow, 1950s bull right there.

Jenjane1 Thu 26-Jan-17 13:32:01

I will definitely spruce myself up but for myself and so I feel better about myself. I haven't let myself go in anyway, I mean I don't have the time to go to the gym like I use to do especially seem as all money and time goes on him and bettering his image. In fact a couple of years ago he made a comment about me not going to the gym anymore and being less toned. I have to keep things in perspective and maybe make anymore list of the things that make me unhappy in our marriage. It's because I have always said 'no one's perfect'and because when he is around I feel happy for it but perhaps that's because I feel I have support with the children. Which is probably a false sense of security anyway seem as he's barely around doesn't come home til half 9 and I tend to DS2 all night. I'm just such a romantic and thought that we would always stay together, with effort to not let things slip. But things have slipped in his mind I guess. He just keeps saying he needs time. I should make it clear that if he sleeps with anyone else then that's it. But would it be? I feel ashamed in thinking I would take him back. Maybe that's because I have grown up around infidelity being acceptable.

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