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Ex has nowhere to live - should I help?

(27 Posts)
Severino Mon 23-Jan-17 21:53:56

I have posted before about the EA I suffered with my ex as well as financial problems.
I 'kicked him out' (his words) a year ago and he rented a room. In that year he has retrained as a gym instructor and has several personal training clients, but not enough to bring in much of an income I would think. Most days he has free and works evenings.
He told me before Christmas that he had given up his room and was now sleeping in his car, although sometimes at his gf house.
He says he doesn't have enough money.

He now wants to tell th children that he lives in the car because he wants them to know how mean/cruel/unkind I am....
He has no concept that he has anything to do with breakdown of the marriage. I made him leave for our safety, so that no more bailiffs came knocking...
Any advice about what to do? The kids will be very upset if they think he sleeps in his car and will ask me why he can't come back here. I don't want to involve them with the reasons nor do I want to argue with him in front of them. He is being emotionally abusive in my opinion using the children as pawns.
If I were single and did not have the responsibility of the children I am damn sure I would have found a job to earn enough to support myself at least. Not sat and cried poor me.
Am I honestly being unkind to him? I am
So cross he is going to involve the children but I need to know, however hard it is, that I am doing the right thing. I don't Like to think of him sleeping in th car of course but feel he has every chance to rent a room if he wanted....

fusspot66 Mon 23-Jan-17 21:56:49

Please don't let him back in. He's playing you.
But you know that!

Severino Mon 23-Jan-17 22:00:18

I don't want him back here. Ever. But the kids won't understand why he has no home and they will be so upset...
He has always been controlling and I know this is just another step. But shall I just let him say what he wants then deal with the fallout myself, or argue back with him that he better not dare say anything....

HelenDenver Mon 23-Jan-17 22:01:18

No. Don't let him back. It will be worse for the kids if he comes back because he will be in their space again.

AnyFucker Mon 23-Jan-17 22:01:53

I would get in first with the kids then tell him to take a fucking hike

Gooseygoosey12345 Mon 23-Jan-17 22:03:14

I wouldn't even make comment if the DCs say "oh but daddy is sleeping in his car". My response would be something like "oh right" and change the subject.
Don't let him back in, he's guilt tripping you to get back where he wants to be, in your home and in control. You are not being unkind. You know what's best for you and the kids, stick to your guns

user1484539497 Mon 23-Jan-17 22:04:42

No, don't let him. <voice of bitter experience> I wonder why his girlfriend wont let him live there...

MadeForThis Mon 23-Jan-17 22:04:45

I think you will have to see what he says. It doesn't sound like you could trust him if he agreed to say nothing.
Perhaps plan some answers for your kids that are age appropriate.

MadeForThis Mon 23-Jan-17 22:05:23

Where does he take the kids for visits?

HyacinthsBucket Mon 23-Jan-17 22:06:02

Why are you still letting him abuse you and potentially his children? I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but there is no way I would giving him access to tell your children lies about you. He's a vile person and that is never going to change. Please talk to someone, anyone about this - court welfare, even social services if need be. You said in your own words that he is using your children. Don't let him.

memyselfandaye Mon 23-Jan-17 22:06:18

Tell him karma's a bitch.

NovemberInDailyFailLand Mon 23-Jan-17 22:06:38

Not a chance! He's not your problem.

girlelephant Mon 23-Jan-17 22:08:20

I wouldn't let him in the house. Surely his GF/family/friends could let him stay. Or maybe he could make more off an effort to increase income.

Where does the contact time with DC occur?

GoldenOrb Mon 23-Jan-17 22:10:04

The best thing my counsellor ever said to me abut my manipulative EA ex is that he is not my responsibility. He is a grown man. He is able to make his own choices. Your ex is making very poor choices, but that is not your fault or responsibility.

Repeat after me "he is not my responsibility"

If he chooses to make your children pawns in this, that is his choice and it will be very much frowned upon by any court/judge. Do not let him back into your life. Don't let him blackmail you or give in to his threats. It's about control, and this is all he can do to try and regain control over you. Don't let him.

RoundTheBend Mon 23-Jan-17 22:13:53

I had one of those. I have learnt to be strong. I ignore all "oh pity me" speeches. HE CREATED THE SITUATION HE IS IN. It is NOT your fault.

I have found that the more I ignore my Ex, the less he bothers me now.

Be strong, don't let him back into your life. You will regret it and the stress you will have because of him back in your house will be beyond belief.

Severino Mon 23-Jan-17 22:16:53

Thank you. I just needed to hear it said over and over. Believe me I am way way stronger than when this first all kicked off but sometimes I have a wobble and just worry I am being the bitch he says I am.
He is not my responsibility..
I am going back to dip in my book about Controlling men.
Thank you all for commenting on, seriously I just needed that as a kick up th bum tonight/

ToadsforJustice Mon 23-Jan-17 22:20:44

SEP - somebody else's problem. You are not responsible for him. His life -his choices.

NovemberInDailyFailLand Mon 23-Jan-17 22:26:42

Sometimes, it's pretty liberating to be a 'bitch', OP ;)

Don't fear it.

Severino Mon 23-Jan-17 22:40:28

I'm trying to find the inner bitch. I am too soft and too spineless. I need to step up a gear

gamerchick Mon 23-Jan-17 22:45:57

God don't do it, the last time I fell for that kind of shit I didn't get the parasite off the settee for a year. Once he's in he'll use the kids to stay. Next it'll be can you hold his stuff for him. I did that as well angry

AnyFucker Mon 23-Jan-17 22:53:35

Do it for your kids

They need you to protect them

kittybiscuits Thu 26-Jan-17 21:47:49

Honestly, just don't even think about it. What a manipulative cunt.

parklives Thu 26-Jan-17 22:03:12

You are not being a bitch, he is just a loser who wants to use your kids to manipulate you.
You are just being a sane sensible woman who is looking after herself and her family.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu Fri 27-Jan-17 15:56:33

Please don't let him back in.
You'll have the financing and abuse of a cocklodger if you do.
He can bunk in with his lovely girlfriend.

InTheKitchenAtParties Mon 30-Jan-17 23:14:24

Repeat after me "he is not my responsibility"

Just that really. Where he sleeps is nothing to do with you.

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