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Should I forgive him?

(13 Posts)
kath1987 Sat 21-Jan-17 09:24:51

I left my fiancé a week ago. Everything came to head in our relationship after months of him being emotionally abusive. I left after he pinned me to the floor in front of my DS and then fled with my newborn. He soon realised what he had done was wrong and went to the police station. Over the past week I have heard a completely different side of him. He genuinely sounds heartbroken....he breaks down in tears in every conversation. He's not the emotional type at all. He says he's physically disgusted by how he's been acting, that it's like he's been living someone else's life.....he's even sought help from a mental health charity. He says he's willing to do anything to prove he's changed. He's even willing to give house/job up to be closer to me and the kids etc. I'm so confused and I really want to believe he's had this massive realisation. Has anyone who's been in this situation help me?

Porffor Sat 21-Jan-17 09:29:21

Ok.. he pinned you to the floor. and took your baby.

No that is a no go back scenario to me. Sorry but break that down - the apologies come after all abusers have abused. It's how they work.

You need to be strong for your children or your DS will be doing the same to his GF's in the future. Not good.

Hermonie2016 Sat 21-Jan-17 17:44:31

Kath, I followed your thread and willed you to get out.

Please don't risk giving him a chance.People can change BUT it takes years.It's extremely difficult to do so however.Consider how difficult it is to give up smoking or alcohol! Changing how you respond emotionally is much,much harder.

The reason is because his brain has been wIred to overreact..it's not a case of wanting to change, he has to undergo intensive treatment, such as an abusers program which would be at least a year.

During that time you and your young babies are at high risk since there is no promise of success.
Your babies need you to be safe, they need to feel secure so that their brains are wired for healthy relationshipskin. Under 7 is the critical age for this development.

Please don't put yourself at risk, you did so well to speak up.

Put an update on your previous thread as everyone wants to help you.

Penfold007 Sat 21-Jan-17 17:54:49

No No No. I followed your previous post. You have two children of need and deserve better as do you. Please don't 'forgive' him. Are you and the children still safe and with your dad?

kath1987 Sat 21-Jan-17 18:11:36

Yes I am still away from him at living with my dad. It's so difficult to just switch feelings off 💔 x x

QuiteLikely5 Sat 21-Jan-17 18:42:23

I can assure you that this will not be an isolated incident. What may be real is that he feels genuine disgust for what he has done BUT let me tell you this man has been subject or witness to DV and he is acting it out on you.

Children who witness such behaviour - their brains develop differently and they usually go on to abuse or suffer abuse themselves when they eventually start mature relationships.

Your poor poor children - their world should be one of safety at the very least and by exposing them to this incident he has taken that away.

Violence rarely exist without emotional abuse and I strongly suspect your relationship was unhealthy anyway prior to this attack.

You deserve more. Your children deserve more.

If he went to the police a report would have gone in to SS too.

Stay strong. Stay away. Withdraw and know it'll be the best thing you have ever done

Sweets101 Sat 21-Jan-17 18:50:54

The only thing that will prove if he has changed or not is a lot of time. So, personally, i'd sit back and see how it plays out over the next 12 months. If he gets the help and makes the progress in that time then fair enough, but i wouldn't just accept that he will because he's had a good cry about it.
The order does;
He gets help and makes the changes etc - THEN you consider giving it another go
Not the other way around.

Hermonie2016 Sat 21-Jan-17 22:07:29

Yes, it's so hard to switch off feelings.

It's hard to get away from a dysfunctional marriage, there is a pattern that you have got into, it's the cycle of abuse.If he was horrible all the time it would be easier.

This relationship is harmful to you and your children.There is happiness and peace in your future but you need to be brave and get through the transition phase.
I am going through similar and H is currently "up", when he is like this I imagine it could work but then I go back to my journal and it reminds me of how he treated me and I remember my fear and unhappiness.

Please look back at what he has done, sometimes people cross the line (with physical violence and abuse) and should lose the right to try again.

I think he has lost the right as you deserve better

Ellisandra Sun 22-Jan-17 07:16:09

Whilst he is crying all the time, just proves that he is either:
- not remorseful and really manipulative. So stay away
- emotionally volatile. So stay away

You see what I'm saying? Stay away.
Let him prove he has done 12 months of therapy and during that time has behaved himself perfectly before you even think about taking him back.

As it happens, I still think you shouldn't. Next time he is under stress - or just feels like it - he'll turn again. He stole your baby FFS! Is there anything he could do that is worse to a mother?

Costacoffeeplease Sun 22-Jan-17 07:52:44

I've just read your other thread, I didn't see it before

You shouldn't be still communicating with him. He's violent, dangerous - he assaulted you and took your newborn baby!

You've got away from the bastard, so stay away, and if I were you I'd be getting a non-mol to keep him away too. No more phone calls and messages to you or your dad, he's a sly, manipulative bastard who is no good for you or your children

Gallavich Sun 22-Jan-17 07:54:55

No!
Why are you speaking to him? No communication unless it's essential. He's a nasty piece of work.

Gallavich Sun 22-Jan-17 07:55:29

Does he not have bail conditions in place?

justnippingin Sun 22-Jan-17 08:01:39

No Kath, you shouldn't forgive him, this behaviour is unforgivable and dangerous for you and your children.

He demonstrating all the traits, the cycle of the habitual abuser.

I can't understand why now there is any communication between you.

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