This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Separating with kids and living together - so confused!!(7 Posts)
I have been with my DW for nearly 10 years and have two beautiful DSs aged 5 and 2.
I thought we were doing ok until she told me that she doesn’t love me anymore and hasn’t felt love for me in years. My head has been spinning since then, and I feel like everything we worked so hard for is unraveling so fast. I’m finding this really tough because I'm still very much in love with her and can’t believe this is happening.
(A little backstory)
We met whilst she was studying English in London as part of her Colombian foreign languages degree. One year later we married and she decided to stayed in the UK and make a life together - because of that she gave up her degree back in Colombia.
Ever since that point I think she's never felt 100% happy with her life and circumstances. So following her decision to stay she focused the next 4 years on returning to her studies and after many rejections and emotionally despondent times, she returned extremely happily to study at university in the UK.
However, after 6 month she unexpectedly became pregnant with our first child and she was devastated by this news. She spent most of her pregnancy despondent and then found being a mum really tough going.
When my son turned 8 mths old we invited her mum to come and live with us so my wife could return and complete her second year at Uni.
At first this was great, and my wife returned happily to university. However for me most of the time It was just my mother-on-law, DS and me. I found this a very lonely time and my mother in law became my son’s surrogate mum. Their was a lot of tension between my wife, mother in law and me so the atmosphere wasn’t great in our small 2 bed flat.
After she graduated we decided to have another child, so our eldest could have a brother and we could start having a normal happy family life. However we soon felt cramped in our little flat, so we found and bought a beautiful family home in Hertfordshire.
This was great and she was really happy for the 1st year, but then started to become despondent and withdrawn because she felt her life had no purpose and felt guilty that she couldnt contribute financially. She always saw the money that I earnt as my money not ours - so I heard the following ’this is your house not mine’.
I encouraged her to interview for jobs and she sucessfully got a role. So we found a live-in au-pair and she started a new job, finally I thought we've got through the tough times and we could all be happy and move forward together as an equal partnership.
However during the last 6 months of her new career I've have noticed she has become more distant, unresponsive and finds me increasingly annoying. Finally last week she told me that she doesn’t love me, and hasn’t done in a long time. This was the first time she has been open her feelings since I’ve known her.
Since then I’ve been trying to work out what to do, and I feel really bad for the kids. I can’t afford to move out due to the high mortgage and costs. Plus I worry for her mental state with the kids if move out too soon after 10 years.
She has been feeling really bad since she told me and she doesn’t know what to do either - so when I try and push her for answers she gets extremely upset and feels pressurised.
She mentioned we could stay together for the sake of the kids - but I’m not sure if I can emotionally do that. I've suggested that she seeks help for her emotional problems, but she is resistant to doing this as doesn’t like to talk about her emotions & feelings, as it makes her 'feel week’. I've suggested maybe going back on anti-depressents, but again she hesitant to seek help even though she is in turmoil.
Many of the problems we have had is her unwillingness talk to about her feelings (could be cultural thing) without her feeling I'm being critical her. So the moment I try and find out what's going on inside her head she tends to clam up and withdrawers into herself.
Desperate to get some reaction from her I’ve been guilty of pushing her to get some kind of reaction or I end up giving her the same coldness I feel. But this has always been counter productive and made the situation worse, which I have to try and make the peace. Don’t get me wrong my wife is an lovely caring person and a absolutely fantastic mum. I’m sure I could have been a better husband also and haven’t met her needs along the way.
I’ve spent the last 10 years trying to make her happy, but it always feels like its never enough and I’m not sure she knows what she wants.
Any advice would be great to hear because I’m out of ideas at the moment.
I'm so sorry that nobody replied. I had put it on watch and hoped that somebody wiser than I would help you.
How are you OP?
I've only just seen this.
I've been the wife in this situation who decided to call time on the relationship. 2 kids, nice house hard working husband.....not going into detail but the relationship was not working. It was so hard being the instigator and it's hard causing so much pain. Her guilt will be heavy.......
So sorry I need to go to a meeting but can chat more later?
So sorry you are all going through this x
Thanks for both your responses.
@newlife17 - Yes its been incredibly hard time for my wife and she feels a tremendous amount of guilt. We have gone to couple counselling which has helped open the communication channels. Its now looking like the marriage is over. However as you can imagine my wife is scared about me leaving and being a single mum after been together for so long. Did you end up separating from your husband?
Yes. Been a year now and just going through last stages of divorce. It's so hard. We just weren't right together and always fighting but he thought that was ok! I didn't feel I was good enough in his eyes.
It looks like she has made her mind up. If she feels this isn't her ever after then that's a bloody hard thing to admit and awful for both of you.
Maybe you should let her go and try life without you. Hard as it may be start doing your own thing and she may see the grass is not always greeener? X
Hi there sorry your going through this-have you thought about couples therapy to try resolve matters ?
@ Rosalyn - yes we stated to go to couple counselling. Its really help us and me specifically realise there is a life after separation.
@ newlife17 - One thing became clear, was how distant we were from each other. We wanted to feel love for each other again, but we realised that we don't really have a basic friendship - so falling love again is not realistic..
I have decided to move out for a period of time, so to give us breathing space. Living in the same house, but in different bedrooms is the worst of both worlds, as It doesn't allow us to move forward.
She is starting to panic about me leaving and doesn't want me to go. But that is more through fear.
Please login first.