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What defines separation?

(18 Posts)
Porffor Mon 09-Jan-17 21:41:11

When are you separated?

What defines it to you and legally?

Am on the brink I think legally but for our children we're outwardly doing little things like making a cuppa tea still.

I don't know how to do this, and can't move out yet, I always thought that would be the first day of separation. I think I need to say the words to my husband, we've skirted around 'the worst happening' but not said it as happening now.


rightsofwomen Mon 09-Jan-17 21:58:45

What do you mean you are one the brink legally?

My abusive ex refused to move out. We were most definitely separated WELL before then - 2 years.

For divorce you need a particular defining moment that marks separation. And you will need to have "evidence" e.g. sleeping in separate rooms, cooking for yourself.

Porffor Mon 09-Jan-17 22:14:56

See this is the brink legally I mean - we don't have separate rooms available, the couch I guess.

I need to say the words to him I think, the broach it. We had a no holds barred talk a month ago now, with a view to him wanting to try and me seeing no point. We haven't been intimate for months. I feel like we're going through the motions in terms of dinner / drinks but that is where it ends, we don't even food shop together now.

therealpippi Mon 09-Jan-17 22:22:58

Where I come from you need a document that proves you are legally separated.
Here I don't think so.
In my head my xh and I separated when he mived out and yet I feel like I might be lying because we are quite amicable.
But if I go with rightsofwomen's interpretation then I can say we were separated a year before that when I moved into the spare room. Or it could be argued even another year before that...

So I get your point... confusing.

Porffor Mon 09-Jan-17 22:42:17

Thanks will try and find that definition - it is very confusing and so very hard.

PurpleWithRed Mon 09-Jan-17 22:48:00

XDH and I agreed the date, which was the day I said "that's it, I can't do this any more, Its over, I want to divorce". We stayed in the house for a further 14 months, separate rooms but shared meals laundry finances etc, but we'd agree it was that date and that went on the divorce paperwork.

AGBforever Mon 09-Jan-17 22:55:14

Tricky one as we had had the 'can't go on like this' convo several months before I could get him to actually move out, however we had been in separate bedrooms for nearly 2 years at that point. For tax credits etc we used the literal date of him moving out although in all pertinent respects he had 'left' us many months before.. It's so hard at this stage, I really feel for you.

therealpippi Mon 09-Jan-17 23:02:59

I also used the moving out date for tax credit purposes because we have really separated but feel weirdly uneasy about it because we are amicable (atm) and we negotiate children and stuff fairly well (better than before oddly). My uneasyness doesn't make any sense however as we have not been a couple for a looong time.

I guess the fact that neither of is said "it's over" but a much more coward cautious a "it's not working, let's have a break" doesn't make it clear.

But if we were to divorce I think we'll both agree the date will be the moving out day.

Thank you for this thread, it made me feel better and less shifty. My parents' divorce taught me that separation must involve war. Maybe not.

Porffor Mon 09-Jan-17 23:10:32

Thank you for sharing - it's an emotive topic.

I took my wedding ring off over a month ago now, that to me was pretty huge though my husband doesn't seem bothered.

We're amicable and have never been one for rowing in the past so hope it stays that way.

therealpippi Mon 09-Jan-17 23:16:20

Porffor can I just report from the other side to give you some hope and strength?

It's fab!! smile

Porffor Mon 09-Jan-17 23:19:09

haha thanks! smile I truly hope it is.. feels scary and daunting and selfish at the moment. Those 'how can i do this to my children' thoughts are still with me.

therealpippi Mon 09-Jan-17 23:34:34

I had them for a looong time, especially the whole of last year.
Selfish, entitled, irresponsible, ungrateful were the words I threw at myself.

Then we jumped.

I can promise you we are all much better: dh is happy, less angry and with a new lease of life. I am over the moon - Everything is uncomplicated and pleasant. The dc are titally fine Because It has been slow they got used to the idea, they are at xh a lot, we still all see eachother and without the tension. The kids are far from ruined. I wish you could see it - it will put your fears to rest. (Dancing in the livingroom with them to Rozalla's Everybody's Free has been one of the highlights!)

And as for those other fears (if you have them), once you taste freedom and joy again you know you'll do anything to keep it that way and that this is the way to live, not in misery. I wished I believed it then, but we all need our times and strength to jump.
You'll know when the time is right.

AGBforever Mon 09-Jan-17 23:48:03

Yes, its definitely easier in some respects on the other was like a dark cloud lifting when he did finally leave although there is no doubt that it is so hard on your own...Even if he didn't really engage with the girls at least I could go to the shop while he played on his phone on the sofa.

I have no regrets but I did underestimate taking on the 100% burden even tho I'd probably been lifting at least 85% before he left...

Even so we are all happier and more engaged and loving all together. Good luck. I would say yes it's hard but so so worth it!

Porffor Mon 09-Jan-17 23:57:43

Thank you both. I have never lived 'alone' and though we'll most likely be 50/50 so I won't be alone till the girls are grown, I certainly do have other thoughts and doubts too.

I'll try and talk to him Friday - I have a day off and the girls will all be out at school / college. we're hardly talking - it's civil when we do but no real communication now.

Ahh well for tonight the sofa is my bed. Night all - thanks again will hold onto those bright thoughts for the future.

therealpippi Tue 10-Jan-17 06:56:19

In my case it is early days but xh has the dc three nights and so he does more now than before. Which also means I get a lot of me time which I hardly got before. And I love being on my own so even that's not been a problem. I worried that I'd miss the dc but I have so much to do and I use the time to do what I cannot do with them (sleep, whatch film, go out with friends, declutter).

For me it has been a win-win. Mainly bevause of the cloud lifting.

It will be harder financially no doubt but for the time being I enjoy it and get some stregth back.

Good luck. The bit you're in is the hardest.

Porffor Tue 10-Jan-17 07:37:58

Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate the support.

I must admit the declutter appeals to me, my husband is a hoarder / collector and I'm soooo not. I knew it from the moment we moved our belongings in together it was skewed but didn't realise how i'd come to resent a cluttered house.

he's really good with our kids, and is their main carer, so I can't complain there, but our personal relationship has been dying for years now. Even he can recognise that - I don't think he even likes me anymore and to be honest i'm looking forward to that lifting - as you rightly say, like a cloud.

mrssapphirebright Tue 10-Jan-17 16:57:13

My exh and I agreed on an official seperation date for the purpose of divorce papers. we remained living together in the marital home for 9 months.

Porffor Fri 13-Jan-17 14:39:18

Thanks - I had never thought of couples continuing to live together after separation till I started looking into this.

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