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Has anyone just got up and left?

(3 Posts)
insertfunnyusernamehere Tue 03-Jan-17 18:41:50

I've been thinking of ending my 9 year relationship for a while now but have always stopped myself for whatever reason.

I'm seriously considering just leaving and going to stay at my mums with my 2 DC.

Our relationship isn't great and I know if I spoke to my partner about how I'm feeling he would talk me into staying ('We can make it work.', 'Think of the kids.' All the usual sayings!)

The problem is that it would mean moving back to my mums short term (until I found my own place) which is over an hours drive away from where we are now and obviously moving schools for my DC (not to mention the upset it would cause everyone back here. I'm very close to partners family and I know this would destroy them. They absolutely sore on my DC)

I'm wanting to here stories from people who have (or considered) leaving and moving away.

How did your children take it?
Did they settle well?
How did you partner find out?
What did your partner say?
What was your partners contact with the DC 's like?
Did you get back together in the end?
Do you think you made the right decision?
How hard was it for you?

Would love to hear your experiences - good and bad!

Thanks in advance

Hermonie2016 Wed 04-Jan-17 13:15:35

How did your children take it?

I think it depends on the child and their age.It seems worse if they are older as more likely to disrupt their lives.Children can adjust but it depends on what they leave behind and move to.In your situation the benefit is your mum but the losses for them (school, hobbies, friends, family, dad) would be significant.

How did you partner find out?

I don't think you should ever just leave without warning unless there is abuse, it's pretty hard to recover from someone just walking out and you will have to coparent afterwards.

What was your partners contact with the DC 's like?

If he's a good dad now he will continue to be, some dad's make more effort when separated as time is limited and more focussed.Distance is an issue as the ability to see children is reduced.Seeing both parents at important for children.They never want to choose between parents so try not to put them in this situation.

Did you get back together in the end?
Do you think you made the right decision?
How hard was it for you?

I think if you know you have tried your hardest, sought counselling, tried kindness to each other, reduced outside stresses etc then it's easier to end a relationship.If there is abuse or addictions/affairs then I think you need to leave.

Don't underestimate the personal unheaval however as being single takes adjustment, lots of things you take for granted will be gone but if you are being abused it's a relief.
I found adrenalin kept me going for a period of time, also the relief of not walking on eggshells but now I have the daunting task of rebuilding a life, selling house, new schools, leaving my friends, sorting finances.Its a real roller coaster of emotions and not one anyone chooses.It is a grieving process and takes time to heal.Consider it a 1-2 year process at least.

I couldn't see my h getting better and I felt I no longer loved him but as I am away from him I realise I did love him but couldn't tolerate his mood swings.
Before asking him to leave I had also worked on myself.Both parties contribute to a negative relationship and I acknowledged my PMT played a part.I addressed my issues by seeing a GP and that helped me realise that even if I was always 100% calm I could not impact my stbex behaviour.

I would recommend not rushing into anything, major transitions need to be thought through.If you have been thinking this for years then follow through, if this is more recent give yourself time and then take action.example - would a new school year be a good time together move?

Hermonie2016 Wed 04-Jan-17 13:21:10

The reason I advise you to reflect is you say the relationship "isn't great" , not being great could be resolved and if you have issues (which we all do) we bring them into any other relationships.

My friends ex blew up the family for OW, 5 years later he realises he is back to being unhappy but he now has less money, his children are unhappy and he sees his children less.

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