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Horrible break up and divorce

(13 Posts)
Sari42 Mon 02-Jan-17 23:17:20

I will give a very quick version of the last 2 years of my life.. my husband left me Jan 2015 after 14 years together we had a very strained 2 years but I loved him and wanted to work it out we have 3 children. He travelled a lot for work and was away abroad a lot.
His behaviour changed and I began to feel like a thorn in his side. I became clingy and anxious. He was not intimate and appeared to be drinking a lot. I began to get angry and would rant and ask if he was having an affair? He would stone wall me and roll his eyeballs and walk away and I would get so upset and frustrated. I began to lash out physically and this was so not me... and I felt crazy.
He continued to tell me to 'just get on with life' and 'grow up'
Never did he want to sit and talk about our issues. Jan 2015 I said I was exhausted, what did did he want a break? That I could not make him happy? He jumped at it and moved out for 2 weeks. He then Told me it was over.
I was devasted he was cold and hard and said everything will be fine financially and kids would be unaffected? saw the kids every other weekend for a few months then took them on holiday abroad in the may 2015 with a work colleague without telling me. The kids told me when I rang them one night on the holiday....I had met her, one of the directors he worked with for the last 4 years who was unhappily married as she made no attempt to hide that she is 6 years older and has grown up kids. Mine were 3,6 and 8 when he left.
Anyway he denied anything was going on and they were friends and even tried to say it was coincidence!?
Suddenly it all made sense..he then came back and told me he was moving to Dubai indefinitely and would see the kids once a month as we needed the money and in order for me to stay in the house...
I had a breakdown after months of anxiety and lack of sleep and was admitted for 2 weeks. It was my lowest point. I felt to blame because I had been so emotional and angry with him before he left. Horrible headspace to be in.. guilt that I had failed as a mum too.
He is living in Dubai she flies out a lot the kids have gone twice and said all her clothes are there. He would and will not mediate, negotiate anything, barely gives me the dates when he will be home to see the kids,pays the bills but paid no extra money than I had always had when we were together despite the fact he was now earning 200,000 tax free salary.
He continued to deny his relationship with her. She has txt me and rung me telling me to get over him... and finally he admitted they were together a month ago nearly 2 years later and insisted that she see the kids straight away. Refuse to mediate first with me.
He has delayed the divorce, does not respond to any emails I send. Had never shown any remorse nor say down and told me anything to my face.. the kids have been the messengers. I sent him several emotional emails over the last 2 years and he threatens me with harassment?!
He will not say why he is delaying the divorce and I'm terrified it will end up in court as I cannot afford it to...
I have felt like I have been going mad!!
They have this jet set life, she is a business owner, smart suited, I was never that person!? she has left her husband to be with him..and it seems they have all this time and holidays and I am left with all the the responsibility...
I am very down to earth, a nurse and so naturally caring and kind. I love my children more than anything. They are doing well. It inhave made sure they have had some ELSA support at school. They seem to have accepted it. So I know I am better off but I still feel envious and am sure he has painted me to be this nightmare lunatic.
All I have wanted was some closure, out years together validated instead of trashed and told I was a 'mess when he met me'
Why does he do this?
I hate it...
Sorry for long post...
Also he promised to pay keep the bills that were in his name covered whilst the divorce went thru and failed to renew my car insurance and do not tell me. I drove for 6 months with no insurance assuming it was ok as he got the correspondence and had to go to court as was told I would get 6 points and already had 6 so would have been banned. He said he would write a statement but I was in my own with the outcome...
When will I get my life back?

RedHelenB Thu 05-Jan-17 13:39:21

Crack on with the divorce and financial settlement.

Sari42 Thu 05-Jan-17 16:28:43

Thank you RedHelenB.
Sorry for my rant but he is resisting like anything and it terrifies me that it will end in court and then cost me even more...?
He seems to have moved on to a new life before finishing the old?

RedHelenB Thu 05-Jan-17 18:33:59

Stay strong and it will be over. I would say get as much in the way of assets as you can if he is going to be overseas like all the equity in the house, any savings/shares/ endowments for eg rather than spousal maintenance that he might try to wriggle out of paying

Hermonie2016 Thu 05-Jan-17 20:54:43

Do you have a solicitor?

What stage are you at? Have you files a divorce petition yet? If you are in the house is there much equity?

Does he work for a UK based company?

Sorry for so many questions but I agree with Red Helen you just need to move this forward. Please don't be afraid of court, it will really help you..judges see through men like him. I'm not sure but can you arrange expenses so payment is after court? Or can you extend your mortgage?

Getting the divorce done will help you move on.

Could you get counselling as I suspect you need to talk this through with someone. You have to forgive yourself for how to acted. When a long term partner switches off you do struggle to make sense of it all. You were pushed to your limits, be kind to yourself. You didn't lose the marriage, he threw it away.

You will be the long term winner here - so what if he has a lifestyle, his children will know you are the parent who stayed. At the end our connections with family is what is important.

If he's living abroad be grateful as you won't have to share your children with him.

My friend had a similar situation - 3 children and husband went off with work colleague. 5 years later his life is worse than before. He is unhappy with OW and misses his children, plus he has less money.
My friend has recovered and is thriving.

Keep posting to get support and you can get through this.

Sari42 Thu 05-Jan-17 22:37:02

Thank you both for your support and replies, I filed divorce over 18months ago have fairly good solicitor but worry sometimes that it's all about the money...
I seem to be directing them a lot... and chasing....my decree nisi came thru last February and we have been waiting to settle and a proposal went 6 weeks ago and they have not answered within a 4 week deadline...so we filed for court and waiting to hear this week.
I sent him an email saying please could we just stop this now and settle to save us both money and stress... he told me I was stupid and ignorant and would have to go to the next stage of harassment order if I carry on?? what after one email?
I do not understand why he will not talk to me,like a friend? he makes me feel like some kind of mad woman how ever I behave and can I not be anxious?
My email was not aggressive it was asking him to settle for all our sakes...
His company is UK based does that make a difference?
I think sometimes I feel intimidated by his position as a CFO and his money etc....
I need to grow some big time and accept he is not who he was....

SandyY2K Fri 06-Jan-17 02:48:28

Just push forward with the solicitor and avoid contacting him. He'd been having the affair for a while and has detached from you emotionally a long time ago.

Ask your solicitor if the contact would be deemed as harassment.

See him for the lying cheat he is and move forward with your life. Don't let him make you miserable.

tessdougall Fri 06-Jan-17 20:54:38

You have a sad situation and hopefully things will get sorted for you this year. Just push your solicitor to keep things moving - divorce is a slow and messy process but it does eventually get sorted, once you're in the system. And I would not email your ex - like you I tried to communicate directly with my ex over finances but it was quite pointless. And although it's easy to say, don't stew over the Other Woman. Your ex's behaviour towards you sounds quite nasty, and these men don't change - they might seem to be living the good life, but he's basically not a good guy. Your ex has lied and cheated, and chances are, he'll do it again.

Sari42 Fri 06-Jan-17 21:31:24

Thankyou tessdougal it is just so frustrating how messy it has become. I know my emotions have not helped as I have appealed, cried, got angry and I have needed to toughen up a lot. More than anything I struggle with how cold he has become. He is definitely trying to create a picture of me as this emotional wreck yet he is happy for me to raise the kids? so weird I do not think he has anything on me for harrassent as my emails have not threatened him just more pointed out my undertstanding of what has happened as i have had to piece it together and still don't know the truth. It still does my head in that he lies and I will never know....he has an answer for everything and it drives me crazy.
He sees the kids 2 days a month, yet I know is back in the country far more than he says.. at Christmas he was here 3 days before he picked the kids up and had not seen them for a month.. I can't understand it even after all this time.
Surely if he was truly happy he would be kinder? Less angry?
My self esteem has been knocked so much I am getting there but it is such a slow process.
I have a meeting with solicitor nxt week to discuss the next phase.
Please tell me it will easier and he will no longer affect me.... thank you so much

RedHelenB Sat 07-Jan-17 13:53:39

You need to stop focusing on him and start thinking about you. It is a shock to find your partner change so much but there is nothing you can do about it. He may be haooy he may be miserable but you need to stop thinking about that cos you'll tie yoiurself up in knots!

scottishjo Sun 08-Jan-17 08:59:16

Agree with everything else posted. Please try to focus on making your new life the best it can be for your children and yourself. You all deserve it. This man is no longer the man you were married to, you won't be able to understand his motivation or predict how he might behave. I very much doubt in any case that their life is as great as you are imagining it to be. There is a good chance that his behaviour won't improve in the future because the person you are seeing now is the real him not the person you thought you were married to. And hard as it might seem right now, be grateful the situation isn't worse. It sounds as if your children are adjusting well, and that you have some security in terms of a safe roof over your head. All of that gives you a really strong foundation for building a new life for yourself and your children. I've divorced twice - the first time I was left with three young children (6wks, 3 yr and 5 yr) and no money or home. He never paid a penny in maintenance and as in your situation, he had a very, very good lifestyle. (He also moved her wedding dress into our shared wardrobe before me and the kids even moved out!) Eventually I realised I had to shut myself off from it all and stop thinking about it completely or it would just drive me crazy. To the extent that I asked people to stop telling me about all his holidays and new cars (which my friends and, especially, my mother loved to do, lol). Counselling helped too. It is very unfair, but it's the way life is. Fast forward 25 years, I have had an amazing two plus decades, the most important part of which are my children, and I consider him to have been the loser because he has had no relationship at all with them and is a nasty, bitter old man. He has continued to be an angry a****le. Your ex is the loser here, you know that, we know that, but it will be a few years before it sinks in for him.

Sari42 Sun 08-Jan-17 22:05:30

Thank you Scottishjo and to you all.
I know things will get better and I appreciate your inspiring msgs.
I do feel positive and that of this divorce can just be finished that at least I know on a practical level where I am headed...
My emotional state has improved massively, I guess at times I still question my behaviour and have regrets but I also know I had been smacking my head against a brick wall for a long time, he was not being honest.
Like you said he could be happy or miserable... I guess sometimes I feel a bit stupid as I said he was incapable of a relationship and now he is another one?
I know the pressure is off them and they are not living a true relationship I just feel he is prob thinking I am the incapable one...
But who cares and that's what I need to do stop caring about his opinion....
Thank you...
Just hope it does not get to court.. if it does I hope the judge will see things my way?
Does anyone have any experience of the court process and how the judge sees it or is likely to see my situation...?

Moanranger Mon 09-Jan-17 17:27:53

Re court, at 14 years you have a long marriage, so will get equal split of all assets, pension, house etc, & should also get a formalised arrangement for children's custody, child maintenance etc. But expect him to fight an equal split. But he will lose. Good luck!

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