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Feeling screwed whatever I do

(13 Posts)
AnaMaleka Mon 02-Jan-17 07:06:23

Have you divorced in a country where you don't speak the language, have limited friends (because you've only been there a couple of years), don't have a job and couldn't easily get any (re language), have no family even in UK, were married in your DHs country so divorce involves that country (and language, which you speak but not enough for legal things), have not much on your CV because of being a SAHM for around 10 years, have been out of the U.K. longer than that, moving back to the U.K. would mean separating kids from their (good) father and anyway you have literally nowhere to go from the airport and have no money of your own?

It's a long list but it's one scenario for my life right now. Another involves staying in this EU country (where at least I have friends) and learning the language which I could do, but then there's the Brexit issue and I could have to move depending on what happens with that.

I just feel screwed no matter what I do. Have started having anxiety stacks about it all.

DH has a pretty stable job with decent income and a big and supportive family in his home country (not that far away).

Has anyone been through this?

brittanyfairies Mon 02-Jan-17 07:17:20

Yes, me. Live in France, but married in uk so was able to arrange divorce there too. But XH buggered off back to the UK and left me here, no rights to benefits, no job, he cancelled my cards for UK bank accounts, he has refused to financially support DCs and has virtually walked away from them, I was isolated because of language difficulties, couldn't meet people because of no money to socialize, all support was In UK. That was four years ago, I've taken things day by day, managed to find a job, improving language skills all the time. Life is good now, to be honest life started getting better from the day he left. I've had massive periods of stress (and still have them) but on the whole life is pretty good and getting better all the time

CocoaX Mon 02-Jan-17 07:36:29

Don't want to read and run. I have no experience of this. You don't say why you want to divorce which to me would have some bearing on your options; whether it is likely to be amicable, for example. Have you spoken to your RL friends about the situation?

I think learning the language and getting an independent income stream would be a good thing regardless of what happens with Brexit. Also see what agencies exist to give you advice.

Alorsmum Mon 02-Jan-17 07:43:44

What does your DH think should happen to you and kids when you separate? Would he support you moving to country where you could work? How old are the kids?

AnaMaleka Mon 02-Jan-17 09:01:42

Brittany Wow! He's a bastard! Can I ask what made you decide to stay in France when you had support in UK? I hope that doesn't come across badly, I know the complexities of living abroad but for me now, the idea of having any support anywhere would just make me want to go there.

CocoaX there's a good possibility that it'll be amicable, because I'm working damned hard at that. But I'm obviously not in control of someone else, so a possibility it's not. There's no abuse, but there's enormous psychological/emotional damage done to me by staying. I've got a therapist and he's got a therapist (both psychologists) and both agree - and are not in contact.

Alors he supports me getting work, but I'm studying now to enable me to get back into the workplace and doing my dream career that I was discouraged from first time round and it turns out I'm ace at (so the idea of giving it up to do any old job is totally heartbreaking). I have been studying part-time because of kids and was going to be full time but now if I'm going to learn the language too, to the level I'll need professionally here, I need to continue part time with these other studies in order to have time to fit the language ones in. And he know and supports all of this, at the moment at least.

DH is in denial that we'll separate. It takes a long time for him to come around to new ideas and this one is a biggie. I've talked about it, I've got a bit of legal advice and told him (and legal advice basically confirmed that it'll be a nightmare i.e. expensive because of different jurisdictions and languages).

CocoaX Mon 02-Jan-17 10:20:56

I think if you have his support for your studies and are training for a career you want to be in, plus you both have psychological support and no abuse issues, plus he will take time to come around to separating, then it may be a case of treading slowly and carefully to get the best long term solution all around. The best thing for you is to do a job you love and to co-parent amicably, and it is not yet clear how that will best work.

Any chance of seeing a psychologist together? I mean, if there is no abuse, there are children involved and your H is currently being supportive - to work out a plan which works for everyone? This does not sound like it will be easily unravelled overnight so maybe you need to think in terms of short term, medium term and long term goals and try to agree these with your H?

MrsBertBibby Mon 02-Jan-17 12:38:27

You don't have to divorce in the country you were married in! Any foreign marriage recognised as lawful in the UK can be dissolved in the UK, although if you are both habitually resident in another EU state, that is where you should divorce.

If you had been back in the UK for 6 months, you'd qualify to divorce here.

AnaMaleka Mon 02-Jan-17 12:46:34

Mrs unfortunately not in our case because we signed something (and I've checked this with a lawyer) before getting married determining that wherever we live, any divorce will be under that specific law. That's what the prenup thingy was. At the time we were living in another country (think Saudi Arabia) and had we divorced it would have been under that country's law because the marriage contract comes under the country you are habitually resident in, not married in. Now that we don't live there, it's not relevant as a safety mechanism, but it has to be revoked and apparently in order to do that we essentially have to get fiscally married again, which means division of assets (so I'd actually have something for a few days wink) and then repooling..which is an extra pretty expense at the moment.

However, wish I'd known at the time that the marriage contract isn't set in stone if you divorce elsewhere!

AnaMaleka Mon 02-Jan-17 12:52:44


"The best thing for you is to do a job you love and to co-parent amicably, and it is not yet clear how that will best work."

That's exactly what I'm aiming for. I'm trying to keep it amicable, to really take his concerns (when he has them - has to acknowledge things first!) into account and try to preempt them too. I see me doing a job I love as a very positive outcome for the kids, rather than seeing me slogging away in a job I hate. Anyway, it was really nice to see you put it there because sometimes I feel like I'm being totally unrealistic and should just face up to the reality that I am going to be doing jobs I don't like for the rest of my life, which is particularly galling because I've given up a LOT to move countries (one I'd planned to live in forever, spoke the language, massive friendship network, etc) for him to have the career he wants.

Any chance of seeing a psychologist together?
Not sure. Might be a good idea though.

AnaMaleka Mon 02-Jan-17 12:57:27

Mrs sorry not sure my list was clear. Say we married in France. We signed a contract so that if we divorce, no matter where we are living at the time, the divorce would come under French law. Which makes sense when you're living in, say, Saudi.

We had the right to change that two years after marriage, but weren't planning on divorcing so no need. Now that I've looked into changing it I've found that you have to effectively financially "divorce" and "remarry". At the time of signing I was under the impression you just signed another form/contract. It was not presented as difficult (or expensive) at all.

MrsBertBibby Mon 02-Jan-17 14:13:33

Prenups are not binding in English law, so a prenup that purported to prevent you getting an English divorce that you would otherwise have been entitled to may well be disregarded.

It's a highly complex area (and in any case you may well not be entitled to an English divorce at present) but in any case, my main point was to reply to what you first said.

babybarrister Mon 02-Jan-17 20:07:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnaMaleka Mon 02-Jan-17 22:53:22

Thanks a lot Baby! I am on phone so can't right now but will tomorrow.

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