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Moving on from abuse

(6 Posts)
Pastabuse Sat 31-Dec-16 14:26:41

I left my DH as he was emotionally abusive to me... We have to stay in contact because of the children.
He now has a new partner and seems really happy, takes better care of himself, they do things together, currently on holiday etc.
he wasn't nice with me, he was cruel and unkind so why am I so jealous? I see the lovely side of him now and just wish I could have brought that out of him.
How do I give myself a reality check over this? I'm wondering if it is just jealousy as he has moved on and I haven't. I would have him back if he was like he is now, but deep down I don't think he would be with me. He spent so many years putting me down; and I just put up with it,
I don't think he could suddenly start respecting me now. His new partner is much more assertive, strong and successful so I imagine would not put up with his crap. Probably what he needs....

silkflowers Sat 31-Dec-16 17:08:12

I was assertive, strong and successful when I met my ex. He was the perfect man, laid back, didn't play games, keen, wanted to settle down with me.

Once I fell pregnant with my DC1 the emotional abuse started.

He ground me down to virtually nothing. We have two DC together and even now we are no longer together he is still trying to control me.

Don't feel jealous of his new partner, feel sympathy instead - it's highly likely he will treat her the way he treated you. She just hasn't seen that side of him yet confused

MyGastIsFlabbered Sat 31-Dec-16 17:14:13

My ex was perfect before we got married...nothing was too much trouble, he'd do anything for me etc. Once we got married it all changed, he acted like my needs and wants were totally unimportant to him. Stonewalling, gaslighting me. In the end I had a breakdown and was under the crisis team.

He's still being very difficult over the divorce (but that's a whole other thread) and has introduced his new girlfriend to our children. I'm just thinking how fucking unfair it is that he's got the house and a girlfriend when I'm struggling to keep a (rented) roof over our heads and until last week was single.

I'd rather cut my arms off than get back with him, but I'm struck by how unfair it is. But very interested to know what tales he's told his new gf about me. But I have to try and forget about it and focus on me and the boys.

tessdougall Fri 06-Jan-17 21:12:47

If you google this, you can read masses of stuff about abusive men and their new relationships, and if you dig deeper and find the term "narcissist" you will find out they commonly spend all of their lives moving from one partner to the next. The "honeymoon" phase can be weeks to years before the passion starts to cool and they start looking around for someone new.

So your partner is probably quite content in his new relationship at the moment but the nasty side of him is still there. He is still on good behaviour because he's getting the attention he thinks he deserves, but eventually the real man will emerge. It's just a matter of time.

But it's not your problem anymore. Just feel sympathy for the new woman, her future is not bright.

Hermonie2016 Fri 06-Jan-17 22:12:29

A cruel and unkind person doesn't become better on their own or because a partner enforces boundaries

Maybe counselling or some religious experience that caused a lightbulb might change them but if that was the case I suspect he would have asked for your forgiveness.That's the true sign of change.

People treat other people badly because they lack compassion not because anyone deserves it.Currently he is getting his needs met but that won't always happen.I'm sure he was nice to you at first?

Your ex could also be highly manipulative and the new woman has something he needs or wants so he's being Mr Charming.

I truly did not think my ex could ever be nasty to me but slowly over a period of time I was subjected to difficult behaviour until it became mostly normal.

I was a very assertive,no nonsense type of woman and on the outside no one is suspected anything, until his contempt became quite blatant.

I believe people can change but you would feel it, see it and hear it.It would be a real transformation..Instead it sounds like he is on his best behaviour and might be happy but that won't last.

Asaroe91 Fri 06-Jan-17 23:27:56

I wouldn't stress over it. If he has changed, great but if he just acting nice for the sake of acting nice and he really hasn't changed then it will soon show and his new gf will see it too. I myself have recently come out of an abusive relationship. After living apart for 3 and a half months I finally put my foot down and told him and myself that it was over between us. it took a while for him to get the message but part of it was because he was paying special attention to another 'girl' and didn't care much about myself and our DC. It hurt extremely bad but I told myself that I had to be strong for my DC. Don't be jealous. You will find someone that treats you the right way.

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