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Is my husband a narcissist? Help!

(27 Posts)
joesyf Tue 27-Dec-16 16:03:38

Desperate - my husband is moody, sulky, manipulative and makes us all walk on eggshells! He walks in and the whole mood changes in the house, he starts ordering the kids round to do jobs, so much so they all hide in their rooms all the time now!! He doesn't control money - instead he leaves it all to me and takes a step back!! Stress!! He doesn't help around the house and states fairly often how he works over 50 hrs per week, I work 30 and have three kids and dog!!
All 3 of my kids complain about him, how moody he is and how they don't like him. He is always right too, which drives me mad. He is rude to my family and friends and we never know if one day he will speak or ignore them, it seems to depend on which way the wind is blowing!!
He is really irritated by everything, he constantly tells me I have no sense of humour when this is the one thing people always praise me for! He criticises my eldest (who isn't his) and they do not get on. I can totally see why he doesn't like my H.
All the kids keep saying if I leave him we will be happy, but we have been together 13 years and it's a long time! Im scared. I've tried writing pros and cons but the cons out weigh the pros by miles.
Help me please x

Ratbagcatbag Tue 27-Dec-16 16:08:26

Seriously. Leave. Walking on egg shells is awful. I had to do it with my dad, it's taken years for me to be able to get over it (alongside a good dose of counselling). All what you describe can wear you down day after day. It's an awful place to be, especially if the children are noticing too.
I've fallen out of love with my dh, we've been together 14 years, we will be separating in the new year. It's hard but the right thing for me.

joesyf Tue 27-Dec-16 16:11:58

My dad was also like it. He's driving me mad, when I try to speak to him about his behaviour he doesn't admit to it at all and then I start to question myself - hence coming on here! I feel like I'm going mad x

Ratbagcatbag Tue 27-Dec-16 16:18:58

I know what you mean.
Like I say I'm separating for different reasons and it is tough with children involved and the length of time we've been together.
Can you start putting an escape fund together?

Teepish Tue 27-Dec-16 16:19:53

If your kids are actually telling you to split up, you basically have your answer sad

That's no way to live. He has drained you all of happiness. Doesn't matter how long you've been together. flowers

joesyf Tue 27-Dec-16 16:47:22

You're right. I book fantastic holidays and We all go and I can honestly say I don't know how to enjoy them anymore or even be me. I try so hard to make him smile and be happy for the sake of the whole house that I forget about myself and now it's taking its toll

Teepish Tue 27-Dec-16 16:52:18

You have to leave, my love. He is making you a shadow of yourself.

joesyf Tue 27-Dec-16 16:55:57

I know I even doubt myself as to whether it's me or cos I've done this and that. I when I confront him about how he's treating me he tells me I'm a bully and I abuse him. It's confuses me...

Teepish Tue 27-Dec-16 17:09:41

Classic emotionally abusive behavior, projecting blame.
Its not you my darling, it is HIM.

joesyf Tue 27-Dec-16 17:14:38

I know (as I left him a couple yrs ago and relented) that he's gonna start the crying and the suicidal threats... I feel so weak and drained and my kids will see it all. It's just not fair on them. I know neither is staying either, but I left before ended up in loads of debt and came back. I need to be strong and get my life back! I want to enjoy holidays and days out and not have his moods dictate what kind of day we all have. It is draining.

silkflowers Tue 27-Dec-16 22:02:15

Research "emotional abuse" online as it will help you gain some perspective on his actions and realise it is not you.

I left an emotional abusive relationship recently. I have two toddlers and as hard as it is being a single mum, it's much easier than being a lonely, unhappy mum in an abusive relationship.

Like you, I doubted myself so many times.... is it really that bad? Is it really abuse or am I exaggerating? Why is he nice and charming to everyone else, but not me? Why does he hate my family? Why is he so critical of every thing I do? Is he right that every man calls his partner a "fucking bitch" at the heat of the moment... and so on.

It's not you flowers so please find the strength to leave x

joesyf Tue 27-Dec-16 22:55:10

Thanks for the kind words you're right. I will do this!

I need to! It is hard to see when you're in the relationship and people judge and criticise from the outside looking in, but I'm only just realising that what I'm feeling is actually not normal!

Thanks again x

Lilacpink40 Tue 27-Dec-16 23:09:13

You asked about narcissism so I'm wondering:
Does he think he's entitled to more attention and support than others?
Was he a 'golden child', raised to put his needs first?
Does he act as though manipulation and coercion are normal, to the point that you doubt yourself?
Does he like to be right and you are wrong (left with guilt/blame)?
Does he break or lose things that are important to others?
Does he tell you your perspective of things were different after an event ('gaslighting')?
Is opposing you and getting his way more important to him than a desired goal?
Does he ever suggest that you have mental illness or are different when you question his behavior?

I already know he's a man child by what you've said, but he may be narcissistic too. The type of questions above fit the behaviour of a selfish manipulator. I'm on another thread about narcs and this sort of behaviour sadly isn't uncommon for controlling men.

Either way you sound like you've had enough and want to be free to be you. flowers

jeaux90 Wed 28-Dec-16 00:44:36

He won't admit to his behaviour and he won't change. Narcs are repulsive beings with no sense of consequence, guilt or empathy.

Leave. Your children are giving you permission and even if they weren't it's the right thing.

Leave and then do everything through a solicitor. As little contact as possible. None if you can manage it. Xx

BeckyAndTina Wed 28-Dec-16 10:08:03

joesyf - I have a very similar DP. I could have written your post - the working hours, that he earns and works more, that all financial things are left to me, he`s jealous that I`m closer to the dc and yet leaves everything to do with the dc to me, he`s always right, etc

Lots of ticks to Lilacs list.

We're in the middle of a huge fight and he has made some really hurtful accusations that go to the core of how I parent, who I am. According to him I´m to blame for everything. I`m not sure I can live like this. My new year resolution is to find out about my options.

Hope you also find the strength flowers

Lilacpink40 Wed 28-Dec-16 17:43:05

Becky thats interesting as my ex wasn't able to parent easily, left it up to me then complained when DCs said I was in charge as I was fair and did everything.

He went off with older OW who didn't want DCs. Did me a favour, but damage then and his gameplaying now still adversely affects my life.

Lilacpink40 Wed 28-Dec-16 17:45:36

Link to another thread that everyone is of course welcome to join, or may make interesting read, has helped me lots...
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2803565-Support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh-thread-4

joesyf Thu 29-Dec-16 08:46:48

I told him how I feel but now he cries and trantums begging me not to leave him like a child.
He can't live without me I'm his life he will lose everything...
Boy this is hard!!
I'm staying strong but he keeps sobbing all the time and begging.

GangamStyle22 Thu 29-Dec-16 10:04:56

This was just like my ex wife - leave, move on life is better in the other side

jeaux90 Thu 29-Dec-16 10:11:01

The begging and sobbing is an act. You know the score. As soon as you back down, he will be lovely for a few days then turn back to form.

Lilacpink40 Thu 29-Dec-16 10:13:12

Sounds like he needs you as a parent to his man-child not a partner.

The first time I separated from my ex was because of his repetitive selfish and manipulative behaviour. He cried, sulked, said I had ruined his life and finally begged on his knees crying saying he'd change. I felt guilty and tried again. He didn't change, strung the marriage out for years and I just became robotic by the end. He's found someone he can manipulate more easily now (I'd stopped reacting). I didn't know what was right or wrong anymore. It took four counselling sessions before I could even start to understand that I'd been emotionally abused. Loonger still to mention physical things. He knew what he was doing and covered everything by making me feel guilty.

It's ok to put your needs ahead of his fake displays of anguish.

whitehandledkitchenknife Thu 29-Dec-16 10:22:28

I witnessed these behaviours towards my mother from my father as I was growing up, (as well as physical violence), the sobbing in 'remorse', the suicide threats. He was a nasty, controlling, cowardly bully.
Don't take any notice of the sobbing. Once he realises you mean business, he'll get nasty.
Take care and make a plan.
Don't expect him to be reasonable about anything.

joesyf Wed 01-Feb-17 23:16:41

I am still in the same sorry situation. I told him it was over. It did nothing. He sobbed and begged on his knees as you said and the loveliness lasted a few days and then bang! Right back to normal.
I am making plans. I have decided in my heart it's over and I am secretly putting money away and I will get out of this. I just need to be strong and hard inside. I wish I was tougher.
I spoke to my eldest (now 18) and they said to do what I think is best and they'll help towards the bills etc. Luckily they also said they'd support me if I stay or go as it's my life and they're hardly ever in! I will get there I'm sure!

joesyf Wed 01-Feb-17 23:17:52

Beckyandtina - I would love to speak to you! X

jeaux90 Thu 02-Feb-17 18:11:14

You don't need his permission to divorce. I'm really glad you are now preparing to make a life for yourself. Honestly this will be the best thing you ever did and your kids will respect you for it longer term.

Make sure you get some legal advice. Ignore his pathetic attempts to control you. It's your life and you'll do this. Stay strong xxx

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