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Divorce/separation

Separating from a Narcissist

14 replies

CreamTeaTotty · 26/12/2016 13:04

I'm in the early stages of separating from an undiagnosed Narcissist who cheated on me for eight and a half years.

I decided I finally have the strength to do this about three weeks ago. My children 14 & 10 still don't know as I decided not to ruin their Christmas.

Yesterday was awful. He was playing at happy families, being SuperDad. Complete denial.

He's alternating between complete denial - even calling me 'Wifey' to my face and insults / meanicing comments about forcing me to move house in the New Year.

I'm seeing a solicitor next week. All my family and close friends are aware and supportive.

He's told nobody.

Just wondered if anyone else is experiencing similar?

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Hermonie2016 · 26/12/2016 17:31

Cream, Lots of us sadly are in a similar situation. There is a separation support thread on his board and it highlights how many women are trying to leave an abusive man.

It's a complete roller coaster of emotions, I initially felt empowered when I made the decision, followed by relief when he left home and then a crash as the adrenalin faded and reality hit. I am sad and tearful when he's in nice mood as I recall the good times.

I would recommend writing a journal of what you have coped with before finally reaching this decision, although affairs for over 8 years is pretty compelling! This will help you stay firm through the process.

His denial and projection can make you feel as if it's you and you question if you are reasonable, or did you caused his behaviour, this is especially true when you are faced with your children's sadness. However I firmly believe most women do not chose to leave a marriage until they have reached the end of tether.

Can you prove his affairs as that will make divorce on the ground of adultery much easier.
There are losses for everyone when a family separate but you can and will rebuild to be stronger. Most women thrive after divorce.
I love the quote a friend provided for me "sometimes when things seem to be falling apart they are actually falling into place"

Do you have access to the family's financial information? Also on a practical issue take a copy of your wedding cert to the solicitor so they can prepare for divorce proceedings.

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jeaux90 · 26/12/2016 20:59

Narcissists are awful to deal with.
My ex is one.
You have my absolute sympathy and big hugs for making the decision to go.

The one tip I will give you is to try and do everything through the solicitor so reduce your contact to as a little a possible. I know you'll have to communicate mainly around your dc contact arrangements. Make the messages very very concise and non emotive language. Don't respond to any threats or anything. Ignore.

Longer term if you can go nc it's the best way.

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Iz123 · 26/12/2016 23:47

So sorry to hear about the problems u are currently having to deal with.
My Husband is also a undiagnosed Narcissist, currently in the process of getting a divorce, it is extremly hard.

Still trying to control me and using my son, therefore stopping all communication has been the best way for me, he can contact me via my solicitor.

My husband has tried everything to make me look crazy, just got to be very careful x

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HopefulEm · 27/12/2016 08:26

I'm divorcing a man who's been with his lady for 8 years but still won't admit it to anyone and behaves as if he's the perfect ex....... I'm totally sympathetic, had Christmas without the children, feel still so incredibly sad. I've been separated two years now and still not divorced as am so scared..... He's made it very obvious that I've been disposed of. I'm a really bubbly friendly person but lately I just feel so lonely and that none of my friends have any understanding of working and running after three kids only to spend Christmas without them.

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CreamTeaTotty · 27/12/2016 12:08

Thanks all.

I've been advised to stay in the house and for him to leave. This is the biggest issue - he won't.

I'm about to make an appointment to see a solicitor and get the legal ball rolling. I think that if he gets a letter from a solicitor he will see that I mean it.

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CreamTeaTotty · 27/12/2016 12:10

Meanwhile he's been acting like nothing is wrong and calling me "lovely Wifey" in front of the kids.

They need to know what's going on and I doubt he will want to tell them. So that's really tricky. I'm thinking I'll have to do it myself at some point, then deal with the fallout.

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LunaWeaselton · 27/12/2016 12:17

OP you need to be careful. His refusal to tell the kids is another form of control . Kids often feel resentment towards the parent they feel might be the instigator of the divorce(which they might think is the person who tells). Sad mind games I know . Good luck !

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CreamTeaTotty · 27/12/2016 12:37

Luna - that's exactly what's going on.
Meanwhile he's behaving like Super Dad, baking with them and going out for treats.

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joesyf · 27/12/2016 16:23

When I left my violent abusive first husband he told my kids then 5 and 3 I had fallen in love with another man!! He didn't tell them he had battered me black and blue though!! I regret not telling my kids the truth from day one as he poisoned the mind of my eldest for years trying to turn him against me and my husband. He is now 18 and I did tell him the truth a year ago. I wish I'd been honest from day one though as it will stop the kids having a false picture of their father painted as the victim as I had to live with all those years. X

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CreamTeaTotty · 16/01/2017 16:36

So the kids were told and seem relieved and actually quite relaxed (!)

His behaviour is dreadful. He's still at home and seems to have no plan to leave. He's taunting me on FB by posting links to songs on Spotify which are about the OW (in a positive light) and me (in a negative light). He spent the evening with OW last night and came home very late. So basically he's rubbing my nose in it on social media.

I've no idea how to get rid of him. Atmosphere at home is horrible - not fair on the kids.

He gets the Petition tomorrow though... 👍

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BamboozledByPaperClips · 16/01/2017 19:12

Cream Perhaps now would be a good time to have a Facebook cull?

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths they go to in presenting as Mr perfect. Your kids are much older than mine so hopefully they will see through it. And we'll done on breaking the news to them. It may take a while for it to sink in, meanwhile I'm sure you'll be their constant.

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jeaux90 · 16/01/2017 22:45

Cream he would have been given the same advice not to leave I assume by his solicitor as it shows he has the money to fund somewhere else to live and the current house.

In the mean time (and I cross my fingers for you he leaves when he gets the papers) protect yourself. Don't communicate more than you have to and certainly not in emotive terms. Don't show him a chink. Cold eyed.

Get off social media etc

Keep talking, there are many of us here who have escaped narcs and know what you are going through.

Xxx

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jessemzie · 03/02/2017 17:29

Something has occurred to me while I'm sat here thinking:

I actually don't look forward to anything anymore and I dont enjoy anything!

What on earth am I doing?

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jessemzie · 03/02/2017 17:42

Sorry wrote this comment on the wrong thread x

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