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Please help me unravel this is situation - I need guidance and advice re finances some time after divorce

(11 Posts)
LesisMiserable Mon 21-Nov-16 20:06:14

Got divorced in 2011after 4 years (together 9). It was amicable and the finances were split thus:

I left the marital home (too big) with my DD then 9, Exh purchased for us a house outright (£140k), I also got to keep my business premises which I own outright and am given child maintenance by court order every month on the basis over almost 50/50 split care. Exh also pays for DD's education.

All was amicable at the time, Exh was extremely wealthy (more so now - millions) , I was not into material things still am not. I was happy to leave without claim to his pension etc as long as we had somewhere to live and I had a means to make a living i.e. my premises

Fast forward to now, relations between him and I have completely broken down. He no longer takes any parental responsibility for DD for any of the holidays or weekends and has not for a year at least (before that it had been somewhat sporadic for about a year). He now has her only two evenings a week (unless he is working away in which case he will offer no alternatives) However the amount of child maintenance he pays has never reflected this change.

Firstly I feel he should make up the shortfall for the change in how much he actually physically has DD. Is this something I can apply for?

Aside from that DD is now 14. Exh does give her an awful lot of spends (I'm talking hundreds of pounds a month). I have no control over this. He has also given her a unlimited data phone so again I have no control over this even though she is mostly under my roof. The money he gives her of course never hits the household so to speak, so she is living a kind of double life where she is spending hundreds on designer gear and make up but sometimes we struggle to make ends meet in the house. She has just said she lives in virtual poverty here! Not true but obviously quite hurtful.

The money he gives her is ultimately destructive. It enables her to order inappropriate things online (he is in no way checking what she is buying and she has it delivered to his house). Most recently over the knee thigh boots and a corset sad . He of course has made no offer to either a/ parent her properly or b/ divert this money to the household so I can at least try to govern her choices. This feels almost like financial abuse/control? Is it? Can I go to court to challenge it? I don't really care about the money but I care that he is ruining her with money whilst not looking after her properly with it and I feel it can only get worse. Help me please I'm starting to drown sad

Moanranger Mon 21-Nov-16 23:55:08

I hope some of our experts chime in, but I do believe you can go back to the court on this; do contact a solicitor ASAP, you may be able to get a free half hour. Good luck, it sounds like it really needs changing pronto.

Hermonie2016 Wed 23-Nov-16 08:17:05

I think you can go to CMS and make a claim based on his now earnings.If I recall after a period of time following a court order the CMS can over rule.

He would need to be paying you a % of his earnings per month.
Do see a solicitor and change ntwct CMS.

throwingpebbles Wed 23-Nov-16 08:20:46

How awful.
I would certainly contact CMS and also a solicitor ideally.

I wanted a clean break order with my ex where he gave up his share of house but then didn't have to pay any maintenance (for similar reasons) but the mediator told me that that wouldn't wash as I could apply to court at any point for a maintenance from my ex and the court would consider best interests of the child.
What a tricky situation to deal with

Bettybecks12 Wed 23-Nov-16 19:49:31

You don't mention your income - obviously a 14 year old can once in a while let herself through the front door, are you working and if not, could you? Quite frankly I'm finding it appalling that you want more cash for the household after he bought a house for you outright and pays child maintenance - plus potentially SM? Her shopping habits as well as his are something you should discuss with him and her instead of involving the courts.

Allthebestnamesareused Wed 23-Nov-16 19:54:53

Also is he still paying school fees? As these are usually voluntary payments if you go the CSA route be prepared for him to stop or threaten to stop paying these.

LesisMiserable Wed 23-Nov-16 21:16:56

Bettybecks12 Please see the original post. I own business premises and earn my own money. What do you find appalling? He bought a house outright as mostly the primary carer (me) has the legal right to remain in the marital/family home with the child. The marital home was a/ purchased before I came along and b/ far too big. I could of course have gone down the route of staying in the home and claiming my legal right to spousal maintenance to maintain my lifestyle therefore forcing him to lose his home but still pay for it - I chose not to, regardless that I was legally entitled and compelled by my solicitor to do so.

If I could discuss monetary issues with him do you not think I would have done? Does it occur to you there is an issue discussing things with him and so here we find ourselves? Have you been in a position where you have an extremely wealthy exp who is now a sporadic parent but who is muddying the parental waters by not being present but throwing money at it? It's really really not easy.

Allthebestnaesaresused the school fees are court ordered so not voluntary as such. Also my exh two following children also attend private school. The court requires that all siblings have an aggregate lifestyle where possible. I don't think this would be an issue but I wouldn't put it past him.

Bettybecks12 Wed 23-Nov-16 23:23:31

Ok, well, if you do indeed make money from your business premises, then I understand even less why you now want more from your ex for your household - by the time this hits the court, your daughter may be 15 or close to it, so all for just another 3 years? I still think you need to have a sit down with her and make it clear to him - again where you stand. Why not get her to save some of the money?

LesisMiserable Thu 24-Nov-16 00:25:33

Because betty again referring to the original post the maintenance is based on 50/50 shared care which meant half the time he was looking after her and attending to the associated costs of that. Now he looks after her around 17% of the time, but does not contribute anymore than he did when he had her 50% - therefore the extra cost is completely absorbed by me. He has basically flouted the terms of the court order. Now. All that aside, as again I said in the first post, this is not necessarily about money its about responsibility. Not looking after the child but giving her at age 14 the responsibility of managing.hundreds of pounds a month is irresponsible and alao creates a divide between her and me as she feels ungovernable as I cant impose any consequences ie withhold spends or phone. . If it was as easy as talking to him (exh) I would have done it. Obviously. Is it clearer now?

kittybiscuits Thu 24-Nov-16 17:50:55

I would let it go with Betty OP wink

LesisMiserable Thu 24-Nov-16 21:34:58

Sounds like a plan kitty I've explained it twice now, three times might not be a charm grin

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