This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Separated from husband and I'm so conflicted.(2 Posts)
H moved out last weekend.
I initiated the separation as I felt I no longer loved him, we have very different long term goals and interests and our romantic relationship wasn't good. Basically we are best friends who got married, which sounds ideal, but there was just no love there on my part.
I had thought about it carefully for about a year and was SURE this was what I wanted, and that we would both be better off long term. I broached the subject with him at the end of April, but he baically put his fingers in his ears and everything stayed the same.
Anyway, it was killing me lying to him all the time, so I told him I could no longer carry on about 2 weeks ago.
He was very sad that I asked for a separation, but said he was glad I'd done it now rather than waiting 10 years and wasting our lives. We had a REALLY intense and emotional weekend which basically involved us crying, cuddling and talking all weekend. We decided he would move out. It was so hard. He kept asking if I was sure I wanted him to go, and so many times I wanted to say no and put everything back to how it was , but just couldn't as I felt it would be lying.
We seem to still be good friends, but I'm trying not to push it as I think it's too much to ask from him at the moment.
Anyway, I spent my first weekend alone (without kids too) and I just have periods of utter dread thinking 'what have I done'. Is this normal? I bring myself back down to earth by remembering all of the bad things, but I'm just so confused and can't help wondering if I've made a mistake. But then I think, actually, there is a distinct possibility that if we did get back together that I might regret that too.
Oh help, I'm so confused.
Any advice would be so welcome.
Sometimes a separation can help as it gives you an opportunity to reflect on your needs.
What age are you? When did you start to notice issues? I think it's important to rule out stuff going on for you, major changes, life events or even boredom can make us feel dissatisfied with our partner.
Coming from my marriage, a relationship where you can talk and still like each other appears fantastic.
Often people recommend solo counselling to help resolve issues but only helpful if not self aware.
It would be natural to mourn the end of a good marriage.Transitions book might be useful as it's about moving from one state (married) to another state (single) and the process of that.
Give yourself time, when I separated a month ago I felt sad but quickly realise I'm much more relaxed without H.To me that's a strong sign it's right for me.I miss him but the "good" him which doesn't appear most of the time.
Even balancing childcare and work feels lighter.
Check regularly what's happening with your feelings, bodyscan method on mindfullnrss and perhaps write a journal.
If you are happier without your H it will become apparent.Loss of a marriage is still a grieving process even if the right thing to do.
Please login first.