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help me be fair with maintenance/mortgage payments?

(22 Posts)
confuseddadagain Sat 29-Oct-16 12:05:59

Hi all

I am confused after a break-up and don't want to be unfair to my ex-wife and daughter financially so I'm hoping someone can help.

We both want to sort out finances without the added cost of a solicitor for obvious reasons.

I left my wife and obviously love our daughter very much and don't want them to have to sell the family home which they have remained in.
The mortgage is still in joint names and I am happy to pay half (£294) towards this so they don't have to sell and move out. On top of this I was thinking I would pay £400 in maintenance which will leave me with £650 per month (we have other joint debt which we will split 50/50). The CSA calculator suggests £282 per month but I'm not sure if this includes mortgage payment or not.

I will stay with friends as I can't afford rent/food and fuel on this amount. Does this seem a sufficient amount to be giving to them? She is claiming tax credits as well as her full time income.


VimFuego101 Sat 29-Oct-16 12:14:06

The CSA amount is the minimum total you are expected to pay, it does not assume or expect that you're paying half the mortgage, childcare or other costs.

It's admirable that you want to do the right thing for your daughter, but make sure what you're planning is sustainable long term and allows you to rent somewhere that your daughter can come and visit you.

confuseddadagain Sat 29-Oct-16 12:18:51

Thanks for the quick reply and advice.

I suppose I want my daughter to have as close to the life she had before even though I am no longer there.

At the moment we stay at my Dad's house when I have her for the night although this is an hour away from her house and 2 hours from my work so not ideal.

motheroreily Sat 29-Oct-16 12:19:48

I agree with vim. Of course you want to do what's right but don't put yourself in a bad position,

You can't stay with friends forever you need to rent your own place. The £282 is the minimum child maintenance amount, mortgage etc doesn't come into it. Anything above that is something you decide to do.

ToastieRoastie Sat 29-Oct-16 12:20:24

Hi - I sorted out financial settlement with ex without using mediation or solicitors.

£650 doesn't seem a lot to live on. How much will your ex get in total - is that enough for her to live comfortably on and support your child?

You should also think through and agree on the following with your ex:

How long will you pay maintenance? Til child turns 18 or older?
What happens if ex remarries - will you continue same amount or less as ex can share housing costs with someone?
What happens to the property long term - when will ex sell and how much % will each of you get? Is it a % of equity or the total selling price that you'll get?
Will you stay on mortgage - you might find it difficult to raise a mortgage on another property if so.
If not - then be careful about the % thing if you are contributing to the mortgage specifically. Ex could borrow more in sole name, hence less equity to hate when it is sold.

confuseddadagain Sat 29-Oct-16 12:45:16

Thanks to both of you.

ToastieRoastie - I think i might need to visit someone for advice!!

My wife would get 1180 (after mortgage paid and my payment to her) but this is before council tax, heating etc. so I think she will be ok.

At the moment I plan to remain on the mortgage simply because the whole splitting up the equity and capital and mortgaging a different property seems daunting right now.

Thanks again for the help though. It is slowly giving me a clear direction to go.

userformallyknownasuser1475360 Sat 29-Oct-16 12:50:46


I would start with the minimum payment from the calculator - then think about the mortgage. While dw is living in the house you are effectively paying half of her home living costs, when you may have did half the time.

The best thing I can see you doing is to sit down with dw and work out how much money you have coming in as a whole, then work out a comfortable level for you and her to live on if possible.

In order to stop arguments it may be an idea to sort out what the maintenance you are paying covers.

confuseddadagain Sat 29-Oct-16 12:57:42

Thankyou formally

I think that is the route I will take, to begin with. At the moment I am still paying for half of all the running costs as well as trying to survive myself on £338 / month which, unsurprisingly I am struggling to do.

wafflyversatile Sat 29-Oct-16 12:59:27

When a couple splits they need to accept that their income may not increase but it has to go on two households not one. Eventually you will need your own homes conveniently located for work and each other. I would say that you can sit down and agree a transitional amount to be reviewed in say six months. You may have to accept that instead of one house and you living at your dad's you have to have two flats. You will want to move on with your own life and new relationships at some point. Living with your dad does not sound practical in the long term.

wafflyversatile Sat 29-Oct-16 13:03:10

To add I agree with sitting down look at total income and what you can afford with that that allows your child time with you both and both of you a workable living situation wrt commutes, leisure time etc.

confuseddadagain Sat 29-Oct-16 13:03:16

Thanks waffly

Amazing how all this advice seems so obvious although I don't yet seem in a place to have thought about it myself! Didn't realise how messed up my head was.

I appreciate all the help. I really do

ToastieRoastie Sat 29-Oct-16 13:43:58

I agree don't rush into anything re the house.

However you are trying to stretch money for two households and I don't think you having such a little amount is sustainable long term. You may have to accept that ex and child won't be able to stay in the family home but you both relocate to smaller flats.

I'd be wary of selling house and going straight into rented property for you both though - there is more security for your child if your ex can buy a flat with a mortgage (I have friends who have had to move multiple times because of rubbish landlords).

Are there other ways of generating income - eg ex renting out a room in the current home to a lodger?

Also are you both getting all the benefits you're entitled to?

AyeAmarok Sat 29-Oct-16 13:51:34

The CSA amount is the minimum, a starting point.

If you want to stay on the mortgage then you could continue to pay half of that too, then when your DC is 18 the house can be sold and split 50/50 and you will benefit from the increase in value of the property in that time.

So you'd be paying roughly 550 a month or so? Maybe 500 would be more manageable actually. Would leave you a bit extra each month? I think leaving yourself only £650 to live on is much, much too little.

ToastieRoastie Sat 29-Oct-16 13:51:39

You mention ex income... How old is your child and is ex able to afford childcare?

The way my ex and I split finances is that he covers half childcare and half mortgage. I use my earnings on the day to day expenses etc.

My childcare costs are significant and I would struggle if I had to pay them on my own.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 29-Oct-16 13:55:08

I think you are very kind but you are being unrealistic to pay your ex nearly £600 when you really will not be able to afford to stand in your own two feet.

You need to have a rethink and possibly pay only 400 max.

I know you are wanting your child to remain in her home but you don't want to give yourself a miserable existence as that is what you will have on only £600 to pay for accomodation, food etc

ToastieRoastie Sat 29-Oct-16 14:08:27

I am over invested grin

It's very hard to advise on a forum as we don't know how much each of you put in to begin with - e.g. the house could have been bought with a deposit coming from an inheritance left to ex.

Also your earning capacity could be different - ex could have taken a step back at work and be earning less that they would if they had been able to continue career without factoring in a career break / ongoing childcare.

I think contributing to mortgage isn't really maintenance, if you're expecting 50% of the house when it's sold - that's really an investment for you. You'll potentially get it all back with extra when child is over 18 and ex sells the house.

userformallyknownasuser1475360 Sat 29-Oct-16 15:23:51

I disagree with paying half the mortgage is an investment. Surely if looking at it this way it would be fair to expect half the rental value from the ex partner?

If the ex wishes to stay in the house it might be an idea to get a current value for the property, stop paying the mortgage get half the current value when house is sold.

To me paying for a house you cannot live in while paying rent elsewhere is just madness

wafflyversatile Sat 29-Oct-16 15:50:04

The age of your child might affect your choices too. If she's 17 you have different considerations than if she is 3.

confuseddadagain Sat 29-Oct-16 16:14:03

Thanks to all who have helped out.

Essentially house is exactly equal. My parents gifted the deposit but I'd feel harsh claiming that as something I had put in.

Over the years we've been together we have essentially treated everything as ours so I'm not trying to get to a point where I get my 'entitlement' but of course, I'd also like to have a decent life going forward. Not just for myself but so that the three days a week I get to see my daughter we have somewhere that we can base ourselves.

AyeAmarok Sat 29-Oct-16 16:51:40

It's strange that the CSA calculator says you should be paying nearly 300 a month if you have your DD 3 nights a week - are you a high earner?

confuseddadagain Sat 29-Oct-16 18:16:40

Hi Aye

I have her three days, but as I have no home at the moment she sleeps at the old family home. So when calculating I chose the 'zero' option as I assumed that would be the most expensive scenario to work from.


Pumpk1nT1m3 Sun 30-Oct-16 13:56:09

If you have recently separated I would wait before making any definite decisions too early

Is there a possibility that you may get back with your wife and child and live together again as family?

Does your wife work or can she work in the future ?

I think you need to look at it from the other side
How much is it going to cost for you to rent a property where your child can visit ?
How much is it going to cost for your monthly bills, plus food, travel ?
How much child maintenance ?
At this point can you afford to keep paying the mortgage on a house that you dont live in ?
What about emergency savings, holidays, pension or savings for the future ?

Are you looking to divorce in the near future ?

I would investigate the costs financial and other costs

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