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In emotional abusive marriage and not sure how to leave

(8 Posts)
ruralmum78 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:33:00

Hi everyone, I have bame changed for this. I am 38 and have been with my husband since 20 years old, married 16 years and have a 13 and 15 year old. My husband is emotionally and verbally abusive and has an anger management issue. I have very little income but am about to start a new job - 18.5 hours that will be 600 a month plus I am self employed - but only probably going to have 1000 - 2000 profit this year. We have only 4 years left on our mortgage and our house is worth about £150, 000. My husband is 50 so I guess he wouldn't be able to buy me out as he would have to get another 25 year mortgage and I am not in a position to buy him out. I have had years of depression and anxiety in the past but now feeing strong and well mentally (as much as you can when you are being abused) but the situation is really now affecting my physical health.

Can I get housing benefit if I techinically half own a house with alot of equity in it? If we sell the house I won';t have enough money to buy anything else with it or take on another mortgage. Rents are high here and I couldn't afford rent without housing benefit. I just don't know what to do but it is affecting the kids behaviour now - he shouts at them alot too. I am worried what I will unleash if I leave him, like using my past depression against and the fact that I have sometimes overspent in the past and got into a small amount of debt (there is alot of evidence that I have undiagnosed adhd) or the fact that I used to be a self harmer (haven't been for over 15 years though) He gets so ugly when he gets angry and I am scared what tricks he will play. Any advice would be much appreciated. I have no proof of being abused - except that I guess it is in therapist and counsellors notes I guess) and I am reluctant to bring it up in separation/divorce proceedings unless I have too.

Me2017 Thu 27-Oct-16 18:00:10

You could record the abuse on your phone and your children could, perhaps. It sounds very difficult.

You might be able to get legal aid for a non molestation order to exclude your husband from the family home (in a best case scenario - I am not saying that would be easy and it can be hard to find a legal aid lawyer as the pay is so low a lot do not want to do it).

Could you have a financial order that he leaves and you stay in the house with the children until the youngest is 18 (5 years' time) or you remarry and at that point the house is then sold and th eproceeds split in some fashion? (mesher order)

Does your husband or you have a pension and do you know its capital value?

You worst case would want to raise £75k or £80k mortgage to buy out your husband. your income is £8200 a year or so. You could get a loan for say £32k. Do you have parents who might be able to guarantee an £80k mortgage in your name to keep the chidlren nki the house and pay off your husband? Could you live with maintenance from him for you?

If so he might accept he keeps all his pension, he does not pay any support to you and i return you get say 60% or 70% of the equity in the house and either you raise a mortgage to pay him his share now or he is paid it when the youngest child turns 18 or you remarry.

ruralmum78 Thu 27-Oct-16 19:08:50

Thankyou Me2017 for the reply. A friend of mine is a divorce lawyer and she said that we would have to sell the house as no judge would let me stay there as we have so much equity in the house. The mortgage amount we pay per month is half of average rents around here. He has a small pension, I don;t have one. He isn't on a particularly great wage so I was under the impression that maintenance would be low. I have lovely parents who are now retired but I don't think they would want to act a guarantors and I don't feel I could ask them to be.

ruralmum78 Thu 27-Oct-16 19:10:54

Oh also my credit rating isn't great so I am not sure I would get any mortgage, Also worried that when tax credits are gotten rid of I will be in severe financial trouble if I leave.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 27-Oct-16 19:14:52

With a large deposit you might be able to get a mortgage. OK, you'll probably be in a much smaller place or a flat and the interest rate might be high but you could probably get something 2 bed, then trade up in a few years when you start earning more.

You should go see an independent mortgage broker.

ruralmum78 Thu 27-Oct-16 19:46:01

Thanks for the reply RunRabbit - I don't mind something very small but have a boy teen and a girl teen so they won't want to share, I guess I could sleep in lounge though. I am guessing I wouldn't be able to get housing benefit if I own nearly half a home. I can't afford the rents around here with out it though or to sell the house and use the proceeds to pay rent.

FV45 Thu 27-Oct-16 21:38:01

If your partner got cautioned or arrested by the police then you may be entitled to legal aid.

rememberthetime Mon 31-Oct-16 12:51:24

You sound very similar to me. I also am self employed and about to start an additional part time role. I have two teenagers.
I played the long game. I spent six months increasing my self employed work till I was earning decent money. I just put my foot down and focused like never before.
Then I got a credit card so I had the deposit for a rental. Then i searched high and low for an agent who would take on a single parent self employed. Luckily I found one and one mnth ago I moved out.
I am in a two bed flat in a nice area and finacnially it is a struggle but doable. My son still lives with his dad which was his choice.
We haven't sold our home yet - but I have agreed that i will wait for two years until my son leaves home.
When I get that money I know it won't buy me a house - but it will buy a one bed flat which i will rent out as an investment. So at least i am on the property ladder.
Focus on one thing at a time (I know how your head goes crazy!). I would first visit CAB and ask about benefits. You are usually entitled to some housing benefits for a period of one year while your family home is sold.

Then look to your finances. Can you increase your self employed work? Can you increase your working hours.

By the way - living in a small flat is far preferable to how I was living before. I feel a peace and calm I haven't felt in years - despite the stressful bits.

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