He won't give time to our daughter. What to do?

[NooNooMummy]

Horrible mediation session today in which we'd tried to get my soon to be ex to give us some dates when he's not working and can have our daughter. It became clear that his priorities are work (fine), spending time with his new girlfriend and the, maybe just maybe if he has a few hours spare, he'll have our daughter then. Y heart is breaking for my daughter / she's 3 but already seems to be realising that she's not important to daddy. And I'm exhausted - I don't have family nearby to help. What can I do?!

[honeysucklejasmine]

All you can do is do the best for your daughter. And that might be protecting her emotionally from a disinterested parent.

[NooNooMummy]

I think that's what he wants. He wants not to have to have her and wants someone to make that decision for him that she shouldn't see him anymore. I refuse to do that. Isn't there something I can do? This should be illegal, no?

[ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam]

Unfortunately you can't make someone be a good parent to a child, I Iearnt that the hard way. All you can do, is do your best. Make the best life you can for yourself and your Daughter. Leave him to his selfishness, he'll be the biggest loser in the end. Best wishes.

[jeaux90]

Feel for you but honestly you can't force him and maybe it might work out better seeing she is young. My daughter is 7 and hasn't seen her dad since she was 2 she rarely asks about him. He is a narc so it's for the best but honestly they are tougher than you think. Focus on a happy life with her, he is the loser here not her xxx

[NooNooMummy]

Narc? Narcotics? Narcissist? Lol I'm clueless

[jeaux90]

Sorry lol Narcissist

[NooNooMummy]

Looking up the narcissist thing now. Think it applies to my ex

[NooNooMummy]

At least I've stopped crying now

[jeaux90]

Well there you go! If he is one then be happy about limited contact if I were you. I went to see a therapist (the same one my ex was seeing) as I thought I needed support during the split. Her advice to me was "run and don't look back" .....silver linings and all that!! Big hug xxx

[NooNooMummy]

And, for the record, when the mediator asked him why he couldn't see our daughter on a particular evening that he wasn't working, his answer was.... "Because I have a life."

[FruitString1]

Totally feel for you, NooNoo Mummy. Am going through very similar situation. Ex always gives priority to work. DS very aware that Daddy is not very "dad-like" (he was crying about it the other night). Like you, I find it heart-breaking. But am consoling myself by saying to myself "THIS is why we need to separate". Sometimes wonder though. It's all pretty horrible. I try my best to focus on giving DS a happy life, just him and me together, but that doesn't always feel like the right thing to do.

[NooNooMummy]

Fruitstring - I'm sorry you're going through it too. It's so hard to know what to do for the best. And exhausting doing it alone. Big hugs

[FruitString1]

Yes, that's it, exhausting doing it all alone. My DS has high functioning autism and has just had a full-on panic attack (screaming and throwing up) and I am desperate to be able to talk about it to someone who knows him, ideally his father. But that's just not going to work. DP doesn't like to hear negative stuff about his son, just says "Well he doesn't do that when he's with me". Sorry, going slightly off-topic here. Really just wanted to say, big hugs to you too!

[FruitString1]

Sorry, just realised I called my ex partner "DP"..

[NooNooMummy]

No, it's not off topic. Just another illustration of how exceptionally shitty some men can be, just walking away from their own children. I'm convinced that, in the future, this failure to give time to your child will be illegal in the same way it's now illegal for a parent not to pay whatever child maintenance is assessed as being payable whereas, in previous generations, that parent could go awol and fail to provide financial support.

[jeaux90]

Sorry OP I disagree with you. No contact with an asshole is better than forced contact with a belligerent father who doesn't want to be present. You can't protect your child from the latter.

[hermione2016]

I'm so sorry, how can he just discard his child but sadly it does happen.

You can support your daughter through this.I understand your pain as we know our children deserve to be loved.

On the plus side (if there is one) you won't be fighting your ex for Christmas etc so less conflict.

[jeaux90]

Exactly hermione. It's just my dd and I and I love that there are no negotiations about anything. I make all the decisions and she is better without her father (narc) there is a silver lining to these situation sometimes

Be positive OP, she is young and you can protect her xxx

[NooNooMummy]

Thanks for the replies. I'm still mulling it over cos it's quite early days and, so long as he continues to offer to see her occasionally, I'll co-operate with that and see how we go. But I have already thought that if he just disappears, at least I can have every Christmas, birthday and important event with her

[NooNooMummy]

...and, I guess, at the moment I just keep giving him the opportunity to step up and not be an arsehole. He just keeps choosing to be an arsehole. It'll be his loss...

[FruitString1]

That's right, NooNooMummy, his loss!
My ex normally has our DS one night a week. I am currently fuming because I have just asked him (well begged actually) to have our DS for just one extra night this week because I have an early start at work one morning. Ex lives in a caravan, on an official caravan site, and until recently has been "sneaking" DS in without paying the campsite owners for the extra person. Our DS has now been spotted on the campsite, so the owners have quite rightly asked ex start paying for when DS stays. It's £3.50 per night per child. And ex is making big fuss. Has just popped round to discuss it, and says "I'd rather not have DS that extra night next week because it will cost me quite a lot of money"... I said "A lot of money? I thought it was only £3.50". He said "Well actually it's more like £4". I felt my body positively flood with anger but said nothing because I didn't want a fight in front of DS. I pay for EVERYTHING for DS! Everything! Food, clothes, toys, school trips, all household bills, childcare bills, and I get no payments from ex. I don't ask him for any and don't want any. I'm self-employed and I work really hard so that I can pay for everything we need. It's a struggle but I can manage and am proud to be able to. And I feel like he's now trying to make me feel bad, for asking him to have DS for just one extra night, for an extra £3.50. And it's just once! (And I've now just checked the website and it's actually only £3.20 for a child anyway...)
Fume fume...
Sorry to rant but I guess that's kind of what Mumsnet is for! I feel better now...

[jeaux90]

Fruit string he is an asshole, you however are a bloody hero. Big salute and a hug xxx

[NooNooMummy]

Fruit - he sounds exactly like my ex. It's just mind blowing when you find yourself having a conversation about petty pennies and you're working your arse off t pay for everything yourself. (I'm doing that too) I just can't figure out whether my ex genuinely think it's worth discussing and is totally oblivious to how it makes him look or whether he's trying to wind me up. Anyway at least you're having OLD fun too like me - I find it a new distraction from the heartbreaking reality that daughter's father is a total arsehole

[NooNooMummy]

Nice distraction not new distraction