I've had enough.(13 Posts)
We've been married for 10 years. Pretty much since we got back from the honeymoon I have found things difficult. I can never do anything right. The slightest thing goes wrong ( whether I caused it or not) - he has a huge go at me and if I don't know what to do to fix it, he gets very huffy and says I am useless. He is critical of what I wear: "You look like a tramp ... Do you want your parents to hold a whip-round for you? " He constantly goes out of his way to undermine me sometimes... if our son asks a question and I begin answering if, he will automatically talk over me to answer it himself and sometimes tell DS to ignore me or get very angry if I give an opinion that does not sit with his. As he works shorter hours than I do, and owns a car, it is up to him to pick up our son from the childminder in the evenings, and so he doesn't get to go out straight after work - so if i want to see friends, it really seems to hurt/ anger him if I do as I am going out "getting pissed with my mates" while he is at home with our DS. ( I go out about twice a year). I used to love listening to music/ drawing/ reading in the evenings. He hates this because he likes watching his DVDS and likes me to watch them with him. ( He also switches the light off when he does, as that's how he enjoys watching them - it also means I can't do anything else). I can't go upstairs or to another part of the house during these times as he feels neglected and "we don't spend enough time together". He will shout at me about my shortcomings, but if I retaliate, it always really seems to escalate the situation. I did once say to him: "Don't be so moody!" - he responded by closing the door when I was trying to get into the kitchen, stuck his middle finger up in my face, then reopened the door and said: "You may go now." Once, when we were on holiday, I wanted to stop off somewhere to buy souvenirs for family. Since we were, as usual, on his timetable and he wanted to keep it quick, I was trying to make everything as simple as possible. I pointed out somewhere he could park, but I did this a second too late and he got angry at me for distracting him whole he was driving. I kept trying to find other spaces, it was still annoying him. I was pissed off at this point for being snapped at when I had been trying to help, and said "ok .... sorry... didn't want to give you the chance to be difficult." Big mistake and stupid thing to say - he slammed the brakes on in the middle of the street, told me to get out - which I quickly did, I was immediately guilty about what I had said and, tbh, shocked and scared, and he drove off. I had left my phone in the car, it was a town with which neither of us was familiar and I had no idea where he was going. Our son was in the car and witnessed all this. By luck I did eventually find them both. Husband did apologise later but I do keep my gob shut now when we're out and about.
We have just bought our first house. Again, due to husband being home well before I am, and having the car, he has been taking heavy boxes and furniture to the new place and I have been getting home later - by which time, he has done a lot of hard work. I know this is a bloody hard job for him and i have cleaned and moved boxes and done what I can, but he seems to still feel I just "come home and there it is ... All done for me" and I never appreciate him or do enough. Yesterday we were in our old, rented house. I honestly tried to clear things out and clean, and help as much as I could but all morning he was stressed and having a go at me for not doing things right. At one point DS and I were cleaning the front room. Husband came in, looked utterly disgusted and yelled, "Don't clean a room when you're wearing dirty clothes! Who needs to be told that?!!" Now if I had retaliated, whilst DS was there, it would have blown up the situation so I kept my gob shut ( although DS did say to him "she was only trying to clean, like you said." )
This is a small selection of the incidents that have got to me over time but I am worried about the effect it is having on my son. I have repeatedly asked husband not to have a go at me in front of our son and keep arguments away from him but he has repeatedly ignored this.
We have just moved into this house so on a practical /financial level it is difficult to leave. I wouldn't be able to manage the mortgage payments on my own, and i saved up most of the money we had for the deposit and the money is gone now. I also don't want to hurt my son, as my husband and son adore each other. DS is also happy about his new bedroom so if we were to split, he might lose that and he will be so upset. If we move from the new house to a smaller two-bed ( which I could just about afford on my wages) I would worry about the impact on him. I also have no close family or friends nearby and nowhere to go.
Sorry for the long post. Am just so fed up of being unhappy and it's gone on for so long. Husband and I have had a lot of discussions about this over the years, with us both apologising for shortcomings and trying to do better, and afterwards, things do bumble along fine for a couple of months or so at a time before it all changes again. I just don't know what more I can do now - if I stay in this situation I remain miserable but if I go it could have a far worse impact. I just feel stuck. Sorry for the long post, I have just had enough.
Make appointment with solicitors and find out exactly what you'd get.
You may be better off than you think financially. Also speak to CAB, to find out what benefits you'd be entitled to as a single parent.
Your don't have to do anything immediately but I would get out of this marriage.
He's being controlling, abusive and setting the worst role model for your son to see.
Your son will ultimately not give a fig about the size of his bedroom but he will remember the times you were abused by your husband.
Leave, your long-term well being is more important than money or the house or anything other than your son. Your boy is already being compromised as he feels he has to defend you. That is not healthy. Your husband is a bully and abusive. Call woman's aid for advice and do it today. Look after yourself, look after your son. Take care.
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When your son is older and was in this relationship, what would you tell him?
You only get one life, make it a happy one x
I hope you find a fix
Thank you all so much for your replies to my very long and rambling post. There are so many more incidents over the years that I have just sort of squashed down in order to try and stay sane but I feel like i've reached snapping point now. I have a lot to think about but at the moment my head feels like it's bursting. Thank you all xxx
Not one of these incidents are acceptable. Not one.
Glass Get yourself and your DS out of this relationship, and house (if necessary).
Start making plans today. It's a very unhealthy situation.
He's a bullying abusive arse. I would get this moved into "relationships" if I were you. Lots of advice there and more people look at that forum. My ex was exactly like this, the only thing different was I always shouted back, I was "belligerent and aggressive" apparently . But it meant my children kept seeing arguments and it was just horrible all round really.
Please don't stay with him, what sort of life is this for you?
Felt quite I'll when reading this, am in a very very similar situation and trying to make my mind up what to do , I have a real jeykll amd hyde husband , who one minute can be all over me and an hour later raging about something whilst we are in tbe car to the extent im petrified.
I left my abusive narc partner 6 years ago. I can't even begin to tell you how good it felt, how free I felt and still feel. This is your life, yours, please leave him.
I know it feels hard but he is living your life for you, you and your child deserve better.
You know this though don't you.
Big hug and a hand hold. Xxxx
By the way, you might get more advice and better practical help if you get this moved to relationships. X
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