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He's my best friend....but...

(7 Posts)
Bloss1978 Sun 23-Oct-16 09:29:06

My husband is my best friend. When I need advice I go to him, he comforts me, is a great father to our kids and we have great sex BUT I'm starting to wonder if we'd be better off apart. As a person he's very negative, glass half empty all the time, cuts friends out of his life for the smallest of things and as a result could count his friends on one hand. This means he hates me having so many friends, questions me all the time about who I'm talking to. Says I'm a tart and a flirt (and then says he's joking when I says it's hurtful). If I have a rare night out he wants photos to prove I am where I say I am and wants texts and calls hourly. He talks about the fact I could easily have a virtual affair on my phone and when I say how much that hurts, again says he's "joking" and why am I picking fights all the time. He tries to make out it's me causing problems by being over sensitive and now I've been diagnosed with anxiety (which I know is brought on by him) he has even more ammunition to imply it's all me taking things personally and trying to row with him. I've been faithful - not even a kiss with anyone else - for 22 years. He has not (he left me for a month as he found someone else) and yet now I'm the one being questioned all the time. I just can't be bothered with the stress. Life's too short for this!

So my question - should I separate from my best friend because of his alter ego - my husband - that I really don't like!?

aforestgrewandgrew Sun 23-Oct-16 09:33:26

His "alter-ego" is just as much part of him as his nice side.

Yes I would leave someone who treated me like this.

Rochefort Sun 23-Oct-16 09:44:53

I would struggle to put up with the constant comments and would tell him clearly he needs to shut up. If he then persisted i would suggest couples counselling and if that then didnt work, I would leave. You would have been more than generous in giving him opportunities to change his behaviour. If he chooses to continue being a controlling dick, you can choose to leave

ijustwannadance Sun 23-Oct-16 09:48:46

He's doing it on purpose to wear you down and because he cheated himself.

He is not your best friend. He is damaging your mental health.

Bloss1978 Sun 23-Oct-16 10:59:56

It's so hard though. He offers safety and security, is a good father, is loving and thoughtful......he just has high standards that I feel I'm constantly falling short of. He says at 37 and married I shouldn't want or need to go out. Because I've tried to stay strong and do still occasionally go out to a bar late (maybe once every 2 months) we always have massive fall out and rows and I've always managed to do something that causes a problem whether it was drinking too much, not texting enough, getting back too late.....

Maybe I should just accept I need to give up going out and focus on what I have at home?! I think part of my issue is that I met husband at 17 so never went out when I was young (and had kids at 20) so I always thought it would be nice to do now.....! Maybe if I just become a homebod and focus on home only things will get better.....?! Can I give up safety and security for a perceived sense of freedom and individuality!?

aforestgrewandgrew Sun 23-Oct-16 13:41:10

"He says at 37 and married I shouldn't want or need to go out."

This is absolute nonsense.

He doesn't have high standards.

He is possessive, controlling and doesn't care about what's best for you.

You are not safe or secure in this relationship ship even if it may look like it to you right now. In fact this relationship is hugely risky to you. You risk seriously damaging your self esteem and mental health and feeling huge regret when you realise, as you eventually will with age and wisdom that you have wasted so many years on a man who wants to own you but who doesn't really love you.

Run away to freedom and safety from this damaging relationship!

hermione2016 Sun 23-Oct-16 14:14:49

Why would a best friend treat you like this?

You say you go to him for advice, do you feel he is wiser than you, has all the answers?

I just don't think your relationship has equality. As your children get older and leave the nest will you be happy being restricted?

Having a good physical relationship can be confusing as you feel it could work.My stbex and I have similar but on an emotional level he doesn't meet my needs.As you get older I think this becomes so important.

You get 1 life and you husband is deciding how you should live it.

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