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Walked out today.

(14 Posts)
specificus Sat 22-Oct-16 23:23:16

I posted yesterday in the relationship forum that I was ready to walk out on my husband, and I did today. im a hotel now with my DS and can't sleep.

Husband doesn't yet know I'm not home - he was at work and didn't see me packing in the morning, when I left I said we are going for a walk.

He's about to find out though and I'm laying here with my heart beating fast and scared of his reaction even though he's nowhere near. His elder sister is staying at our place and I told her what I'm doing and why and she will hopefully help (she understands my reasons).

I basically feel like he changed so much as a person, mainly through his drinking, and he's not willing to get any help (suggested marriage therapy, drinking therapy, self help stuff - he doesn't want anything, everyone's stupid apart from him).

Add to it financial troubles, him working all the time and not making anything (I get that he tries, but he won't accept the fact he needs a major change or all will stay the same). I also think he might be depressed but again won't seek help.

Basically I don't want my DS to see our marriage as an example, and a dysfunctional dad as an example.

But at the same time I think there's still a part of me that cares for him as he still has good moments. And I don't want to hurt him. He says he loves me but frankly I haven't felt it in a long time (he didn't even get a Christmas present for me last year). He wants sex and says he Denis because we don't have sex but I can't have sex with someone I'm not connected to emotionally. We don't go out together, don't really talk much and we don't have any mutual interests anymore.

I seriously don't know what should be my next step. I'm away until Thursday and don't know what to do next.


ImperialBlether Sat 22-Oct-16 23:26:48

Hi, I'm here. I think you're really brave.

So his sister will tell him why you've gone?

Are you going home on Thursday? What do you want to happen then?

thisgirlruns Sat 22-Oct-16 23:33:29

Hi. I haven't read your previous posts but I think you're bloody brave too. Good for you. Of course you're going to still care for him and feel torn - that's what makes you compassionate and human. That doesn't mean leaving him wasn't the right decision though.
You've done the hardest thing. Stay strong, find support from friends, and from here. Take each day (or hour in this case) one step at a time. Keep reminding yourself why you've done what you've done.
I left my DP nearly two years ago. Not abusive, but he eroded me and my sense of self. I tried to fix and rescue him for years. Things haven't been plain sailing, but I've never been happier. Never looked back. xx

specificus Sat 22-Oct-16 23:33:59

Yes his sister will tell him and talk through his reaction hopefully. They have a good relationship and she's often able to get through to him better than I am.

She said she agrees with me (about his drinking really degrading him) and will try to talk some sense into him.

I can go home or I can stay elsewhere (I have a friend aware of the situation and she'll have us over, but I'd rather not if I can help it). I can also go to my parents (they are in another country so if I go that will be for a few weeks).

I really want to try and make the marriage work and not just cut it. And if we do separate I would prefer to remain friends. But so far when I mentioned splitting he absolutely refused. And even if he will promise to start changing things I'm not 100% sure I can trust that he would (there were lots of promises in the past! He's not great keeping promises he makes to his family).

Onedaftmonkey Sat 22-Oct-16 23:36:18

Well done you brave brave Woman. Can't offer advice. But hand holding, flowers, tea wine and chocolate are on standby hear for u. Very good luck to you x

buckingfrolicks Sat 22-Oct-16 23:37:09

You've taken a massive step and any change is daunting. But you have done the right thing absolutely. Strong, determined and a good mother. You'll have some tough times at first but it will get better. Wishing you strength and hope.

specificus Sat 22-Oct-16 23:37:34

I haven't quite decided if he's emotionally abusuve or not. How do I know? I definitely feel he's not taking me seriously even when I'm talking a lot more sense than he does. Also often everything ends up being his way as hell come up with 100 reasons why my ideas aren't great (eg home renovation). He does listen to me sometimes but it's bloody hard work.

FookinHell Sat 22-Oct-16 23:42:33

I'm trying to understand what's going to happen on Thursday? You're going back to the house, to him? So you've not really walked out. I'm confused.

specificus Sat 22-Oct-16 23:47:13

Lately I was always feeling like I'm walking on eggshells. Every time I tried to voice my dissatisfaction or unhappiness he'd stop me, refuse to discuss it, it often I just won't raise it as he's home late and too tired and stressed to talk sense.

But he has no trouble voicing his anger at an unclean kitchen (when he's drunk! On Friday he was literally breaking dishes in a fit of anger - that's what spurred me to leave) even though I'm basically the only person who cares for DS, looks after the house and also works from home (while also helping him with his business when he asks). And yet when I say I'm unhappy about the fact that he can't finish any of the home jobs (we've lived with a ruin of a bathroom for 3 months now ft example, and that's just one example) I'm nagging him and he doesn't walk to talk about it.

specificus Sat 22-Oct-16 23:49:01

I booked into a hotel until Thursday. I haven't yet decided what to do next. I may or may not come home. If I do come home it'll be only if he agrees to put a serious plan in place. I still feel like I need to give him one more chance.

hermione2016 Sun 23-Oct-16 14:06:50

You can give him a chance, but from a distance.I'm not sure someone will change until they have understood the consequences.
Starting to damage stuff when drunk is quite an escalation and you are right to leave.I don't want to be pessimistic but drinkers rarely change without significant therapy.I left a problem drinker many years ago and sadly he has not changed, if anything he's much worse.

Children do not thrive if a parent is a problem drinker.I doubt you will regret leaving.

specificus Mon 24-Oct-16 19:31:47

So we talked yesterday on the phone and he was upset and said me walking out is not a good solution, etc and that I needed to come home and talk things through. But still defended the fact that it was ok to smash dishes because he didn't like the state of the kitchen that day, and that he didn't drink that often, etc etc.

I asked that we start discussing things over the phone, because it would not work well if we are in the same room (and hell I tried for over a year to talk to him!!).

I think he still doesn't get it.

Today he called on his way from work - driving - saying he is ready to talk, but how can you talk on such topics whilst driving, even on hands-free?!! I told him to call back when he's home.

But at the same time he felt ok to mention that I needed to help him to the invoices for the jobs he's done, which is something I've been taking care of in his business - really?!?!

I don't know how to proceed with this conversation., I don't want to make it out that it's all his fault, god knows I'm not perfect too, no one is, but what would/could our/my next steps be?

specificus Mon 24-Oct-16 19:35:47

I'm also thinking about the fact that I think I've hit mid-life crisis and this whole things is me being unhappy with my life in general.

But it's also true that it seems our goals in life no longer really align, I seem to want things different from him, our interests are different, etc.

Gosh I'm a mess right now, ain't I?

Tillyscoutsmum Mon 24-Oct-16 19:49:38

You need space and time and he needs to understand that he can't make excuses for his drinking (and smashing plates ffs angry). Put down in writing exactly what you want from him (AA/drink therapy/counselling etc) and give him a deadline to get it in place. Go to your parents for a few weeks in the meantime and refrain from contacting him until he's put those things in place

Stay strong flowers

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