Help me tell him

(2 Posts)
KateLivesInEngland Tue 18-Oct-16 14:45:55

I've posted before, I am deeply unhappy and have been for years. EA husband, 4kids.
I told him I wanted to separate and my reasons but he's fixated on the fact that I have been diagnosed as depressed and is blaming that so is not entertaining the idea of splitting.
Apparently, It'll all be fine again once my depression magically evaporates and he keeps insisting I go to the doctors again to get 'answers'. I am monumentally knackered, day in day out. I had already had bloods done, which were clear - no deficiencies, but I relented and visited the docs again. She's ordered more bloods just to see and we may change my pills at the next appointment when she sees my blood results.

But.

I've been on the tablets for months and I feel a lot better, I'm a better parent, I'm getting out with my friends and when I not with Him I feel fine. No anxiety. I have a laugh and I join in.
I know this!! I know that it's being in his company that sucks all the life out of me.

We've had two big talks in about 2-3 weeks in which I have said that I think it's best to separate. The first was late at night after a pre-arranged and paid for night out. We got home after me receiving the silent treatment all day over very little. He promised he'd be on his best behaviour and that he'd change. He largely has kept to his word but it's too little too late. Again, we spoke one day when he'd come home when the kids were all at school. I told him that I think I've simply changed, because we've been together since my teens, and that I'm not sure it can be rectified. We got interrupted and when left alone again, it was like the conversation hadn't happened!! He just went into 'fancy a coffee?' 'What are your plans for... etc' and all of a sudden we're back to square one.

I need to tell him. I don't want to say that I don't love him anymore, some acquaintances split (quite a bit older than us) and the husband told the wife that he didn't love her anymore, and hadn't for a long time, and the reaction that that statement got from our friends was a bit ludicrous. He is still ripped to shreds in conversations a number of years later. Even then, I made a mental note that I would have to let him down a bit gentler than that.

But I need to tell him. Soon. There are loads of reasons why, I've been hanging on for so long now. We have a holiday booked, the cancellation period is fast running out. I've told him I don't want to go and he just keeps saying he thinks a holiday would do us good, if it was a sunshine beach holiday I might have agreed but it's an active holiday somewhere where we're not familiar with that I know would be stressful in good circumstances. Then he reminded the kids about it so they keep asking how many sleeps etc.
He keeps hinting that we need some time away together. The last thing I need is for him to organise a 'dirty weekend'
I really need some help. I know you can't tell him for me but I honestly can't think of ways to phrase what I want to say.
He keeps looking at me like a kicked puppy. He's told his parents about my depression and I think he did it so he'd have something to blame if I dumped him.

I'm waffling on now, if anyone has any suggestions - they'd be greatly received sad

TBHhadEnough Tue 18-Oct-16 20:46:57

Kate - so many parallels to my situation. Stbxh thinks if I changed my anti depressants and I relax a bit then all will be fine and rosy. Well no.

I'm afraid you have to tell him in no uncertain terms that it's over. I wouldn't put too much credence on your friends experience. Perhaps that is what is needed. I know you don't want to hurt him but dragging it on is just soul destroying for everyone. You need to sleep separately from him if you're not doing so already and you will just have to repeat parrot fashion that it's over. No talking about it, discuss only how to split etc.

I'm in this situation. STBXH has his head in the sand but I think the penny is dropping. I'm in the spare room. I will not discuss 'where it all went wrong' only practical things like kids etc. I mainly do emails because he's good at emotional blackmail and the kicked puppy shit.

I'm afraid you'll have to take the hard line and be the bad guy. Get annoyed with him, use that anger to keep you going. He has responsibility for his behaviour in your marriage too. Don't let him put everything on your shoulders.

You might get more traffic in relationships. If you report your own post and ask MNHQ to move it to relationships then you'll get plenty more answers

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