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Suffocating on the guilt, moving twds divorce

(9 Posts)
Daisychainreaction Sun 16-Oct-16 10:54:06

Morning all,

Feeling I need someone to either knock sense into me or impart advice. Married for nearly 10 years, four kids, SAHM (financially dependent) and generally have a lovely life.

Husband is a serial cheater, even separated briefly when I was pregnant with my last one but came back. Earns good money and likes his international lifestyle while I am bound to the hearth with a big house and animals and running kids around.

I know he cheated and every time it cut me deep but I always thought he would change. We lived abroad and I didn't stand on my own feet financially so felt helpless with nowhere to go.

Last year I met someone by chance who I developed feelings for and they have only got stronger and stronger, mutual affection. Husband found out and has messaged this man (called him all sort of names and threatened him) and now he has been keeping a low profile and we aren't speaking.

I long for him, I cannot imagine never ever seeing him or speaking to him again. I mentioned I want a divorce and the husband is now enraged, he has taken all the money out of our mutual account and put it into his own. He is abusive to me and makes nasty remarks about me in front of the children. He puts me down and has said hurtful things about my appearance and intimate bits after having kids.

I feel like a caged animal, trapped, my anxiety has returned. I don't know what to do. I haven't got any money for a lawyer.

I don't want to lose the children.

If this man I like never comes back into my life, I will be alone and I am scared of that. However I don't see a way forward for the husband and I because of all these ghosts and all the past hurts. I know it wasn't right to stay in contact with another man much less cheat on my husband. I feel terrible enough about it. I won't reach out to him, he doesn't deserve any of this drama.

I feel a terrible guilt about divorcing for such selfish reasons. My parents are horrified, the husband has messaged them to show them what kind of a daughter they have. My in laws have come out of the traps saying what a general slut and bad wife I am and how they never liked me.

I have no friends close by and no support.

Should I stay and wait until the children are older? Should I bide my time?

There is no money for me to set up another household without the big house selling which could take years as its not a quick market where we are.

I feel so sad for my children, I'm about to smash their lovely, safe little life apart for pure selfishness.

Any advice? Not even sure what I am asking for...

HerOtherHalf Sun 16-Oct-16 11:00:28

I can't for the life of me see any positives to you staying in this relationship. Why would you want to continue sharing your life with someone who holds you in complete contempt? I know leaving will not be easy and will take a lot of courage but if you are ever going to be remotely happy that is what I believe you have to do.

Daisychainreaction Sun 16-Oct-16 11:04:05

No I'm not happy except when with my children. The husband says I should put my own happiness aside for their happiness and he wants to tell them that I have chosen another man over them. I'm so tired of his terror. It's unrelenting unless I say I will consider or do anything to please him. My head is hurting, I am feeling the anxiety come back, that feeling like I can't breathe, heart racing and being so so tired.

jeaux90 Sun 16-Oct-16 11:17:41

Your husband is an abusive arsehole and basically what he is saying is your life is not your own and you need to lay it down and sacrifice it for him and his feeble justifications. Let's be clear here, your happiness is your kids happiness. It's YOUR life he doesn't get to dictate it.

Now, I escaped a narc, I know how hard it is but you really do need to get shot of him and believe me that sense of freedom once you are stays with you for years.

Stay strong, make strong decisions, big hug, put your big girl pants on. You want inspiration, listen to Michelle Obama at the New Hampshire rally.

HerOtherHalf Sun 16-Oct-16 11:40:25

Don't be blackmailed either by him or by your own conscience into staying for the sake of the kids. He is a controlling abuser and serial cheater. His treatment of you will get worse, I guarantee it. Now, do you honestly think in 10 or 20 years time your children will be grateful that you stayed in such a damaging relationship for their sake? Would you want your mother to have made that sacrifice for you?

Daisychainreaction Mon 17-Oct-16 18:58:55

Thank you for your kind words and non-nonsense advice. Sorry I only got to respond now. One of our Guinea Pigs died yesterday and the children have been upset. We made cards and buried him with a snuggle blanket and his favourite toys in our field.

I see how close knit they are, how much they love us both but how this toxicity is damaging them. I woke my little boy up this morning, he is nearly 3 and he said, unprompted, 'Mummy crying?' I answered 'Yes Mummy cried but I'm okay now' and he said: 'Daddy shouta you?' I didn't know what to say 😟

They are perceptive.

I am not making contact with the other man, I know he likes me but it's too much drama. And I don't want him to be a reason for a break up that has been years in the making.

I am actually scared of my husband and his nastiness, the things he said to me when I told him I want a divorce. I felt I couldn't breathe, I saw myself driving off a bridge, I feel so low. I can't bear to leave the kids behind. He said I'm a bad mother whereas I'm a very relaxed, open feelings, story time, tactile kind of mummy. I always put them first but yes there have been times when I have left them with my Mum and our Au Pair to see this man and escaped to have dinner or share some quiet time.

Every time I say I want to leave he is so nasty that I back peddle and end up staying. That's the only way to make the anger and abusive remarks stop.

How do I deal with this? I am not in a financial position to move out. I have no money to my name. What can I actually do?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Mon 17-Oct-16 19:11:07

Imo when your husband slept with other women he damaged beyond repair your marriage and his vows. If you have found comfort and support in the arms of another man then he has driven you to it - you didn't set out to do it while your marriage was still intact and unspoiled. Divorce him for adultery giving details. Find out as much info about his finances as you can for a solicitor. You haven't changed your kids lives for the negative - you are going to make it a whole lot better before too long. Ignore his family. I am sure they know him well enough to know who is to blame here.

Daisychainreaction Mon 17-Oct-16 20:22:50

Thank you Mybeardeddragon, I try in my head to absolve the guilt.

I have valiantly tried to take him back and stabilise the family but all these ghosts in our bed have killed my libido and confidence. I just lie there and can't relax. It's a horrible way to live and he has spoken to these other women about my inadequacies, my saggy boobs and loose bits and god knows what. Then he tries to be nice and generous again, it's like a loop de loop and I never know what's comin for me.

He has said no solicitor will see me without a down payment.

hermione2016 Sat 22-Oct-16 20:55:22

Are you in the UK? There are usually ways to get legal advice to start divorce proceedings so ignore your husband and contact some legal resources or womens charities.In the uk most solicitors would give at 30mins free advice.

The way to deal with a bully is to stand up to him.You can't be expected to stay in this marriage, it will harm your mental health which is not good for the children.

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