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Men who destroy marriages with affairs

(39 Posts)
user1474193901 Thu 13-Oct-16 21:29:20

Just wondering, do you think people that destroy their marriages for affairs go on to be happy? What is the likelihood of the relationship that are founded in dishonesty going on to be happy, healthy long term relationships? I'm trying to figure out if it's all worth it for them... What are your opinions and experiences?

heidiwine Fri 14-Oct-16 00:10:54

My experience is that women have affairs that break up marriages too.

Pasithea Fri 14-Oct-16 00:18:21

And some of them do go on to be very very happy with the op or whoever. Believe it or not some affairs are not simply the result of one person in the marriages actions.

Mrskeats Fri 14-Oct-16 00:25:04

There's not a simple answer. Sometimes the marriage was over before and the affair is just a catalyst for action. Some marriages are miserable and would be better over.
Plenty of women have affairs- you can't generalise.

GinBunny Fri 14-Oct-16 00:59:12

My marriage broke up 5 weeks ago because of STBXH affair and in that time almost everyone that has hugged me has said "it's happened to me", "my friend is going through this", "the same thing has happened to some one I know". I'm stunned by how common it is, it wasn't on my radar at all before. Whether they go on to be happy? No, I don't think so, not necessarily. I think many of them make their new relationship work because they know they've fucked up any chance of going back and have to continue to paint the perfect new life which doesn't really exist or they come back saying it was a mistake and get kicked to the kerb. The thrill and secrecy of an affair becomes as real and every day as the relationship they have left behind.

Mirandawest Fri 14-Oct-16 01:49:00

My XH had an affair 6 years ago. He got married to the OW last year and from all I can see is happy. I am also happy in my new relationship and got married earlier on this year. I think it's better for both of us.

MakeItStopNeville Fri 14-Oct-16 02:41:23

My friend was the ow 13 years ago and, once his ex wife and he got divorced, they've been happily married for the last 10 years. Sometimes, when people aren't happy, they act like dicks. Both men and women.

LewisAH16 Fri 14-Oct-16 03:34:01

I wonder if partners who have affairs even know what happiness is. My marriage is in turmoil at the moment having found out that my husband has been sexting and forming an intimate relationship with someone at work. (Jury still out on the physical but as i caught him in April and he continued til I caught him again last week, it's kind of irrelevant). Despite the enormous shock and hurt and disruption (I threw him out), I do worry about his future happiness. I am not convinced the OW is a good choice (from their msgs she seems like a bunny boiler) but I'm having to come to terms with the fact that his happiness is not the focus, only if our children (8&6) will be happy and understand how to love and cherish life and the happiness they can choose to have (and yes i believe happiness is often a choice).

AmberEars Fri 14-Oct-16 03:45:30

I'm lucky and I haven't been through this myself. But my friend who left his long term partner and their two small children and recently married ow does seem very happy now.

Bue Fri 14-Oct-16 03:52:41

Well Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall seem very happy...

user1474193901 Fri 14-Oct-16 06:50:02

I didn't mean to generalise about men just have affairs, I worded it badly. I meant people in general who have multiple affairs.

LewisAH16 Fri 14-Oct-16 08:12:14

I think it's an interesting assumption to make. I am getting some 'well that's men for you' responses to my husband's conduct. Is it more acceptable to make allowances for men because 'they think differently' so it's more shocking when a woman does it and we tend to alienate women who do have affairs? For me at the moment I am finding it very hard that my husband is not expressing any remorse and i am reading that as him being in denial or not caring. I cannot help my feelings of being upset because they are genuine. How he can hold back at a time like this is flabagasting and adds to the hurt. Can someone who acts like this ever understand happiness?

Happybunny19 Fri 14-Oct-16 11:02:46

I met my DP when I lived with my then boyfriend. I was very young when I lived with my ex (17-20) and felt an immediate attraction to my DP. I ended my relationship with the ex as soon as I realized the feelings were reciprocated, but did cheat on him albeit briefly (no sexual contact but emotional affair). We are still together 22 years on and I'm still mad about him, so although I felt extremely guilty about what happened I can't be sorry for the wonderful life we've had since, and the three beautiful dcs we've created. I still have very occasional contact with the ex and he's always been pretty understanding fortunately.

MorrisZapp Fri 14-Oct-16 11:09:07

I think there's a big difference between having numerous sexual encounters outside your marriage, and falling in love with someone else.

My parents divorced following my mums affair, this was when I was a kid. My mum stayed with my stepfather for three times as long as she was with my dad. My dad and step mum are ridiculously happy and absolutely together for life.

I don't like to think of my parents as sexual beings but to my knowledge my mum has had two sexual partners in her life. My dad I think has had the same, although it's not my business really.

They were never suited to each other, having married very young in an age when that was the done thing.

I don't judge either of them at all.

jeaux90 Sat 15-Oct-16 13:50:14

What Morris said. Sometimes a marriage has run its course and people grow in different directions. I have see some affairs grow into long term loving relationships so whose to say that is wrong?

user1474193901 Sat 15-Oct-16 14:59:42

I agree that some marriages do come to a natural end. What I can't understand is why start new relationships or brief affairs before ending the marriage. Is it a case of not 'burning bridges' incase the grass isn't greener?

jeaux90 Sat 15-Oct-16 15:53:44

I think it's perhaps the case they have emotionally already checked out of the marriage and don't have the courage to call time. I think some affairs (where there is love) clearly are the catalyst for separation. Just my observations though.

Sparklesilverglitter Sat 15-Oct-16 16:00:53

I know both men and women that had affairs and ruined there marriage that went on to be very happy.

I think sometimes a marriage runs its course or people stop putting effort in to there marriage
Sometimes 1 of the couple might feel neglected etc and they turn else where

I don't think there is any simple answer as to why men and women cheat, each affair that ends a marriage will be for a different reason.

I can answer why people cheat instead of end things as it's not something I've ever done

LemonSqueezy0 Sat 15-Oct-16 23:39:03

I think it's mainly in films as a plot device that people who have affairs end up desperately unhappy and regretting their decision to the end of their days... Whatever your own opinion may be, people have affairs, and will continue to do so, and many may go on to be extremely happy and content with that person. I get that it doesn't seem fair, but it'd be naive to think otherwise. It's unfortunate for the person who has been cheated on but as a big believer in fate etc I always hope that they are better off too and get the space to also find the true love of their life..

heateallthebuns Sat 15-Oct-16 23:50:33

I think sometimes if it's the man who had the affair and left the wife/partner and children he does end up less happy - because often the relationship with his children is not as good as it would have been. He's less likely to have the family christmases with the grandchildren / Sunday lunches / holidays etc than the wife he left.

WiseUpJanetWeiss Sun 16-Oct-16 07:54:04

People have affairs for all kinds of reasons.

Many are cake-and-eat it serial philanderers.

Some are bit-on-the side people dealing with sexless marriages - and there's whole spectrum here from people trapped by circumstance to utter bastards.

Some are people whose spouse has already broken all their other marriage vows, and who are so downtrodden that they hadn't realised they were in an abusive relationship until they fell in love with someone else.

Some just genuinely meet the love of their life.

Some are grass-is-greener selfish idiots.

I know people in all of the above categories. Most of them are happier now than they were when they were originally married.

Interestingly, the serial philanderer finally met the love of his life (and match), married her and is currently 11 years happy. Not entirely sure he deserves that, but his exW seems to be much happier without him.

Guavaf1sh Sat 03-Dec-16 08:56:56

Wise is spot on. It's a spectrum and reducing it all to 'why are people so stupidly having affairs' is very Hollywood.

Tingtongtilly Sat 03-Dec-16 16:41:59

I was an OW. We've now been together for 8 years, married for 4 years and have 1 dc. We're happy. We're not proud of our conduct in the early days of our relationship but it has worked out for us.

DiegeticMuch Sun 04-Dec-16 22:42:48

My friend's mum, aged 72, is very happy with the man she had an affair with in the late 1980s. She wasn't a serial shagger, or addicted to the thrill of cheating, or looking for excitement in middle age - she simply fell in love. The OM was married too. They were colleagues.

CashelGirl Sun 04-Dec-16 22:51:16

My FIL cheated on my wonderful MIL years and years ago and left and married his OW. They had a child. When that child was older she had an affair and left my FIL for someone else. He is now on his own. Feels a bit like karma bit him on the arse. My MIL never got over the betrayal.

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