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Ex Dp and I live in same house - bad role model for kids?

(9 Posts)
earlycomputers Wed 12-Oct-16 07:03:07

Ex Dp and I have been living in same house for three years (since we split) as its cheaper than running two houses and it's more convenient for childcare (none of us have other family living nearby to help out). We have 3 dc's aged 7, 10 and 12. Exdp and I share the childcare as if we were living apart eg he has sole charge over them every other weekend and on one weekday every week. This all largely works because our house is large enough for exdp and I to have our own bedroom and living room each, so we have our own space. Neither of us is seeing anyone else. Ex dp is bitter that I left him 3 yrs ago and whilst we don't have many arguments in front of the kids, the relationship on a day to day level is not great and we are not on friendly terms, don't speak to each other unless really have to and so on. My question is this: are exdp and I setting the kids a bad example as to how normal loving adult relationships should be? The kids know exdp and I aren't together any longer but they all say they are happy for exdp and I to still live under the same roof in spite of the fact exdp and I are not wanting to be anywhere near each other. Will the kids fall into equally bad relationships when they are older? Is better for the kids to live in separate single parent /one adult households? I don't have time or inclination to find another dp so even if I lived on my own with the kids, would they think this is normal and not aspire to finding loving partners for themselves when older?

Mumteedum Wed 12-Oct-16 07:07:45

I don't think it's healthy I'm afraid for any of you. I understand why it's done as a stop gap but indefinitely? No, not a way to live.

You deserve to be happy not just living an existence. Your kids would benefit from seeing you happy. Both of you.

WatchingFromTheWings Wed 12-Oct-16 07:14:17

The kids might not want to see mum and dad 'properly' split up but this can't be good for them. Even with the best intentions, the atmosphere can't be very nice. I think you need to look into a proper separation, keep it as amicable as possible and you'll probably find the kids will settle pretty quickly.

Good luck. flowers

earlycomputers Wed 12-Oct-16 12:06:35

I see your points - definitely valid about the atmosphere point, but I am fairly happy in myself (the kids think I am too). But at what do other factors become more important than living in a poor atmosphere? If I moved out with the kids we would all have significantly less money, the kids would have to live in a vastly smaller house/garden, there would be less money for holidays/toys/clothes/entertainments etc, the eldest two may have to leave their schools because I couldn't afford their private school fees, i would have to rely on paid babysitters/childcare facilities all the time as no family around to help, and finally I would probably have to face a huge legal fight with exdp over maintenance & access arrangements. In the light of this, is it still better for kids in this situation to be way poorer etc for the sake of living in a better atmosphere?

CaptainM Wed 12-Oct-16 12:14:48

My ex and I are still living in the same house (but that's because I can't get him out...yet). I'm frantically working on changing that as I know that it's not good for the children and yes, we're the main source/role model for them on relationships, expectations etc. I read the article below yesterday, which further reinforced the need to change things ASAP: www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2016/10/the-effects-of-a-simmering-parental-grudge/503015/

Good luck. I know it's not easy!

hermione2016 Wed 12-Oct-16 15:20:03

Captain, thanks for sharing this.Stbex's dad was/is passive aggressive and believes he holds the high ground because he doesn't get outwardly angry, shouting etc. Stbex has learned this behaviour and it's so destructive to any intimate relationship so would agree it's not healthy for children.

CotswoldStrife Wed 12-Oct-16 15:24:29

Would you like your children to live like this with their spouse? I suspect not.

PippaFawcett Wed 19-Oct-16 21:09:46

There is so much freedom in living alone with your DC. Surely if your house is big enough for you to have your own rooms and living spaces then you can sell up and get something smaller each?

CaptainM Thu 20-Oct-16 00:12:31

I recently had a day at home with my dcs and it was heaven not having stbxh around! There's just a different energy/vibe/ease everywhere. I dream of the day when I can own my space again. Hang in there, everyone x

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