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How do you know it is the end of the line?

(11 Posts)
inmyshoos Wed 28-Sep-16 16:07:57

I keep wondering if this is a 'bad patch' and if things will improve. How do you know it's the end of the line?
Are there any definitive questions I should be asking myself?
It would be so much easier if my husband would actually recognise how bad things are and stop living in this bubble of denial sad

CaptainM Wed 28-Sep-16 18:01:49

For me, it took a long e-mail to him detailing how unhappy I was, followed by months of couple counselling, then getting clarity (through individual coaching) on what I need out of a marriage/relationship (which was similar to what I was already offering - commitment, trust, transparency, partnership etc) and then asking him for it. It was clear he couldn't/wouldn't give it to me.

Asked myself if I was ready to live like I was living (very unhappily) for the rest of my life. In which case, I'd have had to stop moaning about it. Answer was no.

It wasn't a reckless/overnight decision and I'm 100% satisfied that I gave it my all. It's hard but I know it's only short-term and there's light (even if distant) at the end of the tunnel. If nothing else, there's some relief and a sense of control.

I strongly believe that we only ever have 4 options when struggling (in marriage, work etc) - Change the situation (by asking for what we need), Shift our perspective on the situation (learn to look at things differently), Stay and Moan about it (be the victim), or Leave.

I would say I tried the first 3 options, then finally chose to leave.

Hope that helps. Best wishes to you - whichever way you go....x

inmyshoos Wed 28-Sep-16 18:51:54

Thanks for the reply captainM
I have tried to change things. We had counselling a couple of yrs ago but it madd no difference. I feel like even though I can clearly outline what is making me unhappy my husband is not able/willing/capable of making the changes. He doesn't have a 'list' for me, claiming he just lets things go that annoy him. I feel like I am always the one 'trying'. He says by telling him all these things that I am not happy about I am putting him under so much pressure and making him stressed so he can't function. This is his excuse for not being able to make the changes. I feel I can't win so have stayed and we have been struggling along.
I am fed up moaning about it. I don't want to be a 'victim'.
If I didn't have young dc I would be gone but have really hoped things would improve.
I feel like a switch has flicked. I feel like I am suffocating. Feel so empty inside. I just can't see it working.
I am so afraid of his reaction if I say it is over. He knows how unhappy I am but buries his head in the sand asking 'are you ok? , 'You happy?' while we are sitting at the dinner table with the dc. If I shrug and say 'fine' he makes a face like he is confused and will ask 'what's wrong?' Why would he do that? He knows how I am feeling. I told him 2 nights ago that I am only interested in working at this as friends for the sake of the dc.
Argh.... it's all such a mess sad

CaptainM Wed 28-Sep-16 21:41:11

It sounds like he needs you to firmly tell him you're unhappy. Have you tried to make out time to have that conversation, without your dcs present? Does he really know how unhappy you feel? I think it's important to be as clear and transparent as possible. Does he know you're considering a separation/divorce? I felt I owed it to my STBXH to be clear on how miserable I was and what I needed. I also had to make sure I tried everything hence months of couple counselling which I insisted on. If you haven't seen anyone in a couple of years, is it worth trying again? Maybe, with a different counsellor? My dcs are also very young but I've made peace with the fact that I ended my marriage. I didn't want my relationship to form their expectation of relationships etc. We didn't have a partnership and I wasn't cared for at all. My advice would be to make sure you've tried everything and given your husband a chance to make work on your relationship with you, before calling time. I don't believe we should stay in unhappy marriages for the sake of our children. I believe we should try everything possible, but not lose who we are/give up on happiness just so we can play happy families. That's a personal opinion. The divorce process and my STBXH has been more difficult than I ever imagined possible, but I have no regrets. I don't recommend putting yourself through this, unless you really have given him a real chance (and that includes being firm and asking for what you need, telling him you're considering divorce etc.). Sending you wishes of courage and self-love xx

hermione2016 Wed 28-Sep-16 21:51:03

From an outside perspective your husband appears to care about how you are feeling but lost on how to respond.

It's difficult to change a person so I'm not sure trying to change him will work.What are the issues?

I found relationship books helpful, it helped me articulate what I was looking for.Initially I realised I was not happy in myself so decided to work on my own happiness.I had hormonal issues so resolved to get those fixed.Once I felt happy in myself I learned to focus on the important issues in the relationship.For us it's about how we resolve conflict.Its very destructive and harmful.

I started a journal about my feelings and what was happening.This helped as it made me focus on the big issues, the deal breakers.

I then learned to approach my stbxh in a more positive way however it became apparant that all I got back was anger and contempt.Final straw was his anger on holiday and I realised I was walking on eggshells.

I think unhappiness in the relationship doesnt have to be the end.Its a signal that something needs working on but he shouldn't be trying to fundamentally change you and vice versa.

Divorcing is painful and even now I have doubts but I know from my journal that I first looked to myself for resolution and then tried everything else.It means I can tell the dc when they are older.My stbxh wouldn't communicate so it left no other option.

inmyshoos Wed 28-Sep-16 22:06:03

Unfortunately I know how painful divorce/seperation is. I have already left an unhappy marriage when I had a young baby and know how painful the whole process is. I think if I didn't know the reality of divorce I would have left this marriage already.
I feel like I have made bad decision after bad decision. I often look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking sad

inmyshoos Wed 28-Sep-16 22:21:37

hermione been trying to summarise in my head what our issues are. I think communication is the biggest problem. Dh has problems with taking in information. He makes lists for everything. Needs lots of detail and support with simple things. Very slow to complete any task. Flustered easily if too much too fast. I am almost his opposite. I find more and more that I am so so tired of being with him. sad

rememberthetime Fri 30-Sep-16 10:45:26

If you have already gone down the counselling route then there's not much more you can do. Living in an unhappy marriage is soul destroying and it affects your children.
But it also makes sense to think about what you contributed to the issues, so the same mistakes aren't made again. maybe not getting in another relationship for a while would be good and some individual counselling to talk through what led to this to avoid it in the future.
Your husband sounds a little lost as to what to do and feels pressured. that isn't good for him either. Your unhappiness is affecting him and you leaving would actually give him the chance to be happier. he can't see that right now as he expects you to just accept the things you don't like.
it is an untenable situation. You are both miserable - you because you are unhappy generally with him and him because he knows you are unhappy with him.
best to start fresh, I think.

hermione2016 Sun 02-Oct-16 20:13:00

How are you doing op? Is life the same for you?

inmyshoos Mon 03-Oct-16 22:26:58

Hi hermione dh and i had another 'talk' last night. Until 2am which is not like us! He was up at 6 for work.
We both cried and for the first time I think he heard how unhappy I am. I absolutely believe that he loves me, he is always telling me i am beautiful, i have a great figure, fab legs, i am a wonderful mum etc etc but the problem is he doesn't show it. He is lazy by nature.
I told him I really feel i have nothing left to give. Feel i have been let down by him so many times it has chipped away at my heart time and time again. Now i feel empty. Like my heart is stone.
Told him i needed him to try and 'win my heart" because right now i just feel like i have nothing left to give.
He said he has never felt as low as now. That he has so much to lose and he is going to try his very best.
I just hope he has it in him. My experience so far is short term half measures and expecting all normality to return thereafter. I told him that and he says he hears me loud and clear.
So time will tell.
So far today, so good. Left me wood in for fire and had lit fire before he left despite very little sleep and a 6am start.
Little steps at a time but for the first time jn days i see a glimmer of light.

stACEy899 Tue 11-Oct-16 22:25:02

Hi guys hope you don't mind me joining..
I feel really stuck in my relationship and I think I want to leave. Me and my partner have been together about 8 years now and have 2 children 6 and 3. The last couple of years my partner has been diagnosed with a lot of mental health problems. At first it was OK and we got through a lot but I feel so drained with it all. A few years ago I found out that he was texting another girl at his work which absolutely destroyed me as I never in a million years thought he would do that. That lead me to go on anti depressants but we worked through it! Even though I still don't think that I fully got over it. I want to leave but feel bad for the children and him he wouldn't have no were to go straight away and I just feel so guilty as i know he would probably go straight down hill and i know he love me and would do anything for me but I just don't feel happy anymore. Would appreciate anyone's advice or if they are going through a similar situation. Xx

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