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Time to stop being reasonable?

(23 Posts)
rememberthetime Sun 11-Sep-16 10:17:40

My H and I are separating and he has form for manipulating and emotionally abuse behaviour towards myself and my daughter. This behaviour is making it very hard to come to an agreement about a way forward financially.
it has been agreed that I will move out and rent somewhere. he will either buy me out of our owned property or give me equity when it is sold.
He doesn't want to sell until the kids leave home which will be in about 5 years minimum.
he has talked to a mortgage advisor who says that based on his self employed income he is extremely unlikely to get enough to buy me out.
I am also self employed and having trouble getting a rented place unless i offer 6 months in advance. i was relying on him giving me a lump sum to pay for this.
So i am stuck. I have asked him to get a loan to pay me at least some of the equity so i can go. he tells me to get a loan.
he says that it is my choice to leave therefore my responsibility to work out how I can afford to do it. Why should he be left financially worse off becuase of my actions. he says i am welcome to stay in the house with him.
At the moment I am offering him a 50/50 split despite the fact I have lowered earnings due to taking a long parenting break and him making it very hard for me to work outside of the home.I just wanted to be as fair as possible to make it easy on him and to keep things amicable for the kid's sake.
I feel he is slowing things and making it hard because he doesn't want to lose control of me. I know that for my own emotional mental health I need to move out asap and esepcailly for my daughter who has become his new victim.
Should i appoint a solicitor (which I cannot afford) and insist on a house sale? or use this as leverage to get him to be more reasonable.
I know that for every year i don't have my equity house prices will increase, I will get older and my chances of ever owning a home again are becoming slimmer.
it feels like he is getting everything and I am getting nothing.

One thing i do know is that i will still move out even if i have to get a loan to do so. I just wanted to avoid it if possible.

Berthatydfil Sun 11-Sep-16 10:21:57

Have you had independent legal advice?
If not get some and if you have sack them and get someone better.
It seems to me he is being totally unreasonable.
Where will your DC live?
I'm sure he can't dictate to you like this.

RandomMess Sun 11-Sep-16 10:26:35

Yep legal advice but it honestly sounds like you need to force sale of the house so you get your equity now and stay on the property ladder.

If you are the main carer and the DC are going to stay residing with you then you will walk aware with a large share of the equity.

He is controlling etc. he isn't going to play nice so I'd just get the ball rolling tbh.


SomeonesRealName Sun 11-Sep-16 10:47:20

Get a good solicitor and start the processs to force sale of the house immediately - first thing Monday - because it's going to take a long time if he won't cooperate; it took me the best part of a year just to get to court. Why should he get to stay in the house and you be struggling? You are absolutely right to worry about the long term impact of what he proposes; it is completely unreasonable.

rememberthetime Sun 11-Sep-16 12:41:26

I haven't been to a solicitor because I simply can't afford to. It has taken me 6 months to get together enough money to pay for a deposit for a rental property. I had no idea I would need to pay 6 months up front to secure a place.
I have informed myself through books and the internet on my basic rights but much of it seems to rely on your partner being reasonable and I just don't think he can be. He honestly believes that the consequences of me leaving him have to be that I must start fresh. That morally I am obliged to take a financial hit because I don't HAVE to leave - he thinks I have a choice about that and I am choosing the harder option.
Meanwhile his daughter is hiding in her room when he is home and avoiding talking to him.
I am going to CAB tomorrow to see what they suggest. At least they can point me in the right direction re money, benefits etc and my rights as a self employed tenant. They may also have a list of solicitors who might be cheap enough.
meanwhile i have started the ball rolling on a property just to be out of this house. Once I am out I think I will feel safer to make moves regarding selling. My friend has offered to lend me the money to pay the rent upfront.

rememberthetime Sun 11-Sep-16 12:51:02

Oh and he is very keen that we should be completely open and honest with each other as this will ensure that it is amicable. he doesn't want the kids messed up by all this and so want us to remain friends. he is even talking about him coming over once a week for dinner to ensure we all have family time together. it all feels like a ploy to make sure I play ball and keep him happy.
The thing is that if I involve a solicitor and start sending letters he will get very nasty very quickly. he can't insist on custody as the kids are too old, but he will probably make me pay half the mortgage which he is currently offering to pay in full.
This whole process feels like one step froward and several steps back!

RandomMess Sun 11-Sep-16 12:58:49

Please do not trust him at all, play your cards close to your chest, move out and then force the sale of the house.

Is the mortgage in joint names or just his?

Disappointednomore Sun 11-Sep-16 13:06:06

Remember- is it his intention that the children stay with him then? If they are with him I would have thought it unlikely a court would agree to the sale of their home. To the outside world he may appear to have a reasonable case. Once you have your new rented home will they come to live with you?

rememberthetime Sun 11-Sep-16 14:08:46

It looks as though my daughter will be with me most of the time and my son with him most of the time. but we are planning on shared care. but they are both teenagers and will come and go as they please. I am not asking for maintenance either. We plan on sharing the costs of the children (school uniforms, pocket money etc)

We have a shared mortgage and around £100,000 in equity.

it bothers me that he has agreed to the split and even said he felt the same, yet feels there should be no impact on him. I can't tell his family or friends about his behaviour because we agreed to say that it was mutual for the kids sake. So no one would take sides.

I just want my own home and to live my life.

SomeonesRealName Sun 11-Sep-16 17:00:25

1. Solicitor gets paid out of the proceeds of sale.
2. Who cares what he believes; nobody else thinks that, including the state.
3. By amicable he means he calls the shots and gets his own way; you don't enforce consequences on his ass.
4. Can't tell family for the kids sake means his image management is more important than your well-being.

SomeonesRealName Sun 11-Sep-16 17:01:15

He is not your friend this cannot be amicable in why normal sense of the word. Lawyer up.

SomeonesRealName Sun 11-Sep-16 17:01:36


RandomMess Sun 11-Sep-16 17:22:00

Do you really think he will not bad mouth you to friends, family and DC? As soon as you insisting on what is right and fair that will all go out the window.

LisaB777 Sun 11-Sep-16 17:48:24

I really recommend you take legal advice. My ex was controlling, and manipulating and still is. The emotional abuse continues as its in their interest financially and emotionally to drag you down. I left out owned home 10 months ago with our children, I am renting a small house and am in the divorce, financial battle with mediation process. It's a complete roller coaster emotionally. The whole process is scary enough, but I trust the advise of my solicitor and think that financially whatever she costs me, she will enable me to get a better settlement than I would have with out her. Please please please get advise.

cloudyday99 Sun 11-Sep-16 18:00:02

I would strongly caution against allowing teens to come and go as they please. It's a recipe for them playing you off against each other and slipping below the radar with noone really on top of their lives. Unless they're 18/19 they still need parenting and would probably be better with one main residence and visiting the other parent as arranged.

In terms of moving out, would you have anyone who could act as guarantor for a rented place? (Parents, sibling, etc?) That might enable you to avoid 6 months rent up front. Sounds to me that your ex hasn't really accepted that the relationship is over.

cloudyday99 Sun 11-Sep-16 18:04:27

Re telling family, it may be best to avoid telling them all the details, especially ones you don't want getting back to the kids. But it's OK to say to people that there were things he did that your feel destroyed the relationship, but that you've agreed not to talk about the details. They can at least realise that there are things they don't know, rather than assuming you've just took it upon yourself to leave for no reason

rememberthetime Sun 11-Sep-16 18:13:38

Ok.citizens advice then a solicitor.
I do have a guarantor but the agent seems to think my only option is 6 months upfront.
Stupid me thinks I can just sit down with him and explain what he needs to do. That is be fair and give me the money to move out untill we can sort out the house. By the way....he has savings.

Oh and I am leaving the house contents too. Just my own things and kids furniture. No TV no appliances no sofa no bed...

I am a mug. He says that's my choice too. But I don't want to leave my son without his usual things.

cloudyday99 Sun 11-Sep-16 18:25:50

I'd try a different agent. Not everywhere will ask for 6 months upfront.

LisaB777 Mon 12-Sep-16 08:13:17

I had to pay 1 months rent in advance, 6 weeks as a deposit, and get a reference from my boss. I'd not rented in 30 years. They did credit checks etc which cost another £300 in fees...
My rent is considerably higher than my mortgage was, and for a tiny house, but it worth every penny!
Ps. I'm in the south west so I'm not sure this makes a difference.

Cabrinha Mon 12-Sep-16 08:52:13

Do not move out until you have seen a solicitor.
You can't afford not to see one, truly.
The solicitor acts on your behalf - they aren't going to be sending letters to him without your say so.
If you want to, you can do it all pretending you've never seen one.
But moving out now could end up a massive mistake.

Penfold007 Mon 12-Sep-16 09:06:08

Cabrinah is giving you excellent advice. Get legal advice before you do anything

rememberthetime Mon 12-Sep-16 10:53:09

Lisa - unfortunately i have the problem of being self employed with an erratic income up until about 6 months ago. the last 6 months show that i can afford to rent, but that doesn't mean much unfortunately.

But yes, I am realising that a solicitor is important. I guess that one hour of their time could prove invaluable. I may even get a free half hour if I shop around.

Thank you so much.

Tingatingatale Fri 16-Sep-16 06:48:34

I left my exh six months ago. He wouldn't leave the house.

I ended up losing my job about the same time. I moved out and paid six months rent up front which I had to borrow. I took nothing from the house to leave it as normal for the children when they wet there.

I am so much happier. No regrets. It was tough but so worth it

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