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DD's are 5 & 8.....I have no idea what to tell them

(8 Posts)
NeverNot Sun 28-Aug-16 09:37:49

We've separated. He's been working away and only home at weekend which is normal in our house. 6 weeks of sleeping on the sofa for him at weekends and until now kids haven't noticed as he's always been up before them, but I don't want to do that anymore. I want to tell the kids and I have no idea where to start.
Fortunately, not a lot will change for them as they only see him at weekends as it is. I just don't know how to answer their questions and deal with the situation.
Any suggestions? TIA

Honeyandfizz Sun 28-Aug-16 09:41:12

God I wish I knew. Mine are 11 & 13 and we are having to delay telling them until the end of next month that we are splitting up. I feel terribly guilty, they adore their Dad & there's no major rowing so I think they will be terribly shocked & confused.

I think you need to tell them together, to reassure them they aren't to blame & that you still both love them. I feel for you, sending love & strength flowers

MrsBertBibby Sun 28-Aug-16 09:42:10

I'm not sure there's much you can explain until he moves out, tbh.

NeverNot Sun 28-Aug-16 09:46:19

We were going to tell them together. Would you not recommend that Bert?

Minime85 Sun 28-Aug-16 20:04:41

Hi never. Mine were 8 and 5. We told them together and I would recommend that. I would also answer the questions they have in the suitable amount of detail for a child. The book mum and dad glue is good for the youngest one. I would tell them when he has somewhere to go to. We told ours once he had got rental house sorted. I recommend and was recommended a week before. If can visit house altogether. Reassure them about love and in simplistic terms why separated eg mummy and daddy can't live together anymore as they are arguing too much and will stop being friends if they do so need to live in spear ate houses. Reassure them home will still be home.

MrsBertBibby Mon 29-Aug-16 18:04:08

Oh yes, tell them together. But, they need something concrete and immediate, the idea of separation when Dad is still there but on the sofa wouldn't make much sense to them, I would think.

It can be reassuring for them to see Dad's home asap, so they can visualise him there. Try not to change their home too much, but make sure there are some familiar things at Dad's, so it looks like his home.

My partner's pair have photos of their mum in their room here, as well as snaps with dad, and all of us.

Minime85 Mon 29-Aug-16 18:54:07

I agree about pics in their rooms, we do that here and at their dad's. Old duvet covers went to dad's too as some familiarity. I also got dressing gowns for them and pjs to leave there that they chose.

Cabrinha Mon 29-Aug-16 20:09:53

I'm always a bit unsure about the advice often given to tell them that they are still loved and are not to blame. Why would they even think that? I wouldn't want to plant that idea by saying it. I told my 5yo - at no point in last 3 years has she questioned that either of us don't love her! So I would say don't say it unless you have some prior reason to think your children will think that, or blame themselves.

I waited until I had my new house ready.
I told her with her father present so we could pretend we were all amicable and there was no drama!
I bought a couple of age appropriate books, but I chose to avoid emotional ones, sticking to practical. I think one was called "I have two toothbrushes". She enjoyed reading through those with us after I told her there would be two homes.
I told her that over time we had decided that we just weren't "one true loves" (she was in a Disney phase!) and that we'd be happier not together.
(actually her father is a habitual user of prostitutes, not very Disney at all!)
I was ready to fit the move to her needs - we had both houses ready, no need to move out that day. As it happened, she wanted to come and see my new house immediately (I'd already painted her room)
I got her father to come to the new house too - again, a show of no awkwardness or high emotions for her to pick up on.

It's all gone OK. Good luck!

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