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I think I've reached my limit

(3 Posts)
user1472038561 Wed 24-Aug-16 12:57:56

Hi folks, first time posting here. I phoned a solicitor this morning and made an appointment to speak to her about my options. I really think I've reached the end of the road with DH but yet, I'm terrified to take this step.
We've been together 17 years, married for 8 and have two children, 7 and 4. I discovered DH was a binge drinker after DS1 was born. He's a secret drinker too which is horrendous. It started off with us sharing a bottle of wine on a Saturday night and me wondering afterwards why he seemed so drunk on just 1/2 bottle - turned out he was hiding drink around the house and topping up. I confronted him - he promised he'd change - things got better - we had another child. But things have got steadily worse since DS 2 was born. He has hidden drink - lied to me about it - minded the kids with drink on him. I've had to go away for work overnight and he has drunk while in sole charge of them. I can' t trust him, I have a busy job and I've had to leave work early sometimes because I know by his voice he's not able to collect the kids. He has been emotionally abusive, it's all my fault, I'm controlling, I'm ruining his life, I'm a perfectionist, I only think of myself etc. He tells me has a disease and I wouldn't leave him if he had a broken leg, so why punish him over this?
Things have come to a head since Christmas. He was diagnosed with depression and put on medication which worked brilliantly - he was a new man. He also started counselling and I thought, that's it, we're through the worst of it. But four times now he has come off the medication, lied to me and started drinking. He's at home today out of his head. I suspect he is going to lose his job today. I'm at work and the kids are ok till I get them at 6pm but I dread going home.
I have taken action since Xmas. I finally told some close friends what was going on and I started seeing a counsellor myself and talking to Womens Aid. All of them agree that I've done all I can and that I have to think of myself now, and the kids. But still... but still. The kids adore him and he's great with them when he is sober. And in the dead of night I keep thinking of the man I loved, the man I married. We had an 8 week period recently when he was on the meds and things were great ... but one drink and his personality completely changes. Part of me thinks I've hit rock bottom. And then another part wonders, do I owe it to him to keep trying? Am I abandoning him when he needs me? His family don't know anything... just some of my friends. Honestly I'm heartbroken but already today he has told me I don't think of anyone but myself, and that I'm lying about where I took the kids (because of a typo in a text I sent him). Now he's ringing and calling constantly and I have told him finally not to ring me till he's sober.
Sorry for the long post. I suppose what I really need is affirmation that this is not normal, that I don't have to put up with this. That I'm not being the worst person in the world to call a halt now and get out. I'm 43. I can't take another 20 or 30 years of this, can I?
thanks for listening
M

JaffaCakesMum Wed 24-Aug-16 16:37:41

My H or STBEH used to always say 'the world doesn't revolve around you' until I started saying to him that sometimes it does and that shut him up. The problem with a manipulative controlling person is that they make you feel very very guilty all the time. This isn't normal behaviour for two people who are supposed to love each. I've been married for 24 years and am 49 and have just called a halt to our marriage. Needless to say he won't accept it. Even if someone has depression (and I've been there) they need to have the desire to help themselves for anything to change. Whatever you decide to do you'll be in for a tough ride but in the longer term you want things to get better.

R3ALLY Wed 24-Aug-16 21:51:21

Thanks for your response... It helps to know I'm not the only one

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