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Sad and so scared

(13 Posts)
Darelydo Mon 15-Aug-16 23:28:39

Omfg .....My soul mate and partner of 23 years, my husband and father of our 2 wonderful kids has admitted having an affair and that he thinks he loves her....I feel so stupid, such a mug and what's worse is I just want to be really angry but I'm too bloody scared that once I lose it with him I'll become this bitter old hag who can't find anything positive to say about life and bores all of her friends so much that they stop wanting to be with her.

I never thought it'd be us going through this, never thought that I'd be waking up every morning wondering if it was all a grim nightmare.

How do you keep your dignity, confidence and self-respect when you're pushed to a place beyond your control, that is so unnecessarily hurtful and such an inditement on your character and personality?

How will the kids react and will they be ok? How do you do this without it hurting them?

I'm scared about being alone


AtTheEndofTheRoad Tue 16-Aug-16 06:02:28

You can cope with this. It's shit- I'm in a similar position. It is not an inditement on you or your character, but rather on his.
What you tell the children depends on their age, but we kept it fairly straight forward and avoided throwing blame around. You can't avoid them being hurt, it's just not possible.
What is your plan at the moment?

Darelydo Tue 16-Aug-16 07:36:59

Really kind words, thank you.
Yesterday we discussed mediation as a route to discuss practicalities, and once these sessions are organised to tell kids (15&12) although that scares me so much, but I think it is right to do this sooner rather than later.
Last week we were discussing whether we could wait a year while my eldest completes his gcse's but all the advice seems to point to here and now, do you agree?

Crispsheets Tue 16-Aug-16 07:42:01

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, but you will get through it.
My DC's were 6 months from both A levels and GCSEs when they found out we were divorcing.....we had tried to keep it under wraps but it was pretty obvious things were very wrong.
He moved out...I was immediately happier with him gone and the atmosphere was 100% better. They did really well in exams and are happy and successful.

AtTheEndofTheRoad Tue 16-Aug-16 07:45:20

I would tell the kids now as soon as possible - they will know something is up and with the best intentions it is nearly impossible to keep up an act for a whole year. If you're in England they will have a few weeks to get their heads round it before school starts back.
Have you had legal advice? Has he moved out?

fastdaytears Tue 16-Aug-16 07:46:22

No don't wait. The DC will adapt much better if they know that you've been honest with them and they can trust you not to keep things from them.


Crispsheets Tue 16-Aug-16 07:55:59

Also talk to their schools and tell them the situation.

junebirthdaygirl Tue 16-Aug-16 08:32:19

Also don't be afraid to talk to one or two good friends or your dsis. This happened to a friend of mine. She called me day and night. So mad with dh once she arrived at my door late one evening and stayed the night. But gradually she came through. So while l understand you don't want to turn into a bitter hag do find one person at least who will be comfortable to let you let rip. Counselling is a help too as you know you have one place to offload and you can gather your thoughts around the kids and stuff. Don't feel you have to protect your partner. I know a woman whose dh asked her to please don't tell his parents he had an affair. He still wanted to be their golden boy. But that was asking too much.
So let rip here. Let rip to a trusted friend. This is an extremely tough time for you.

AtTheEndofTheRoad Tue 16-Aug-16 08:43:21

Have pm'ed you too Darely.

faffalotty Tue 16-Aug-16 09:27:53

OP - sorry to hear you are going through this flowers

I was worried about telling our DC (just a little older than yours) but they took it much better than expected. It was a big relief to get it out of the way, so I would recommend doing it asap.

Have you and your H been arguing - do you think the DC will have noticed that something is wrong?

faffalotty Tue 16-Aug-16 09:30:33

Also wanted to say that although I'm sad I have noticed that I'm becoming less scared as the weeks go by. It's a long road to recovery but there's lots of us going through this and we will get through it

elephantoverthehill Tue 16-Aug-16 09:37:57

Keep in your mind the realisation that at the end of this horrible situation a whole brand new you will emerge who will be capable and positive.

Darelydo Tue 16-Aug-16 10:02:11

Thanks all so much, it's so heartwarming and reassuring to read about your experiences and hear your advice, courage and strength
We've not been arguing but he has grown increasingly nasty specifically in social situations, making derogatory remarks etc
He is/has always been my best friend, so feels like I'm losing so much, but its so clear now that it's over. Weird that there'll be no going back

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