Feel like we need to separate but have chronic illness and worried about coping

(12 Posts)
fassbender Mon 15-Aug-16 17:23:27

Bit of a tricky one and I don't know who in real life I can talk to. I have MS and have lots of mobility difficulties/fatigue etc. I have had it since I was a teenager, my husband always knew about it but I was completely well (very few symptoms) until approx 4 years ago when it started to turn progressive. We have known each other for 20+ years, married 11, have DC 8&6. Basically, he can't handle my illness and the impact it has had on our lives. He is argumentative, doesn't understand that I can't have the same life that we had before, as the MS has made everything harder, I need lots of rest. I am still working but I don't know how much longer I will manage. He helps a lot with things like cooking, school runs, shopping etc but I do pretty much all the housework and struggle with it.

It has been slowly getting worse and we are always arguing and being spiteful. I am conscious of the kids and I know that it isn't fair on them to have us arguing all the time. I worry about how I will cope if we separate, but I know that isn't a good reason not to. We also have a 'trip of a lifetime' booked in March going to Disney which the kids would be devastated to miss (that has caused some arguments in itself as I will not be able to do the full number of parks that he wants to). My parents have paid for the flights and accommodation as a gift to us already.

I am currently the main breadwinner but having to leave work on ill health would impact on that. I don't really know what I am asking, but I guess it is experiences of others with chronic illnesses who have separated and how you have dealt with taking care of the kids, money etc.

If we did separate we would have the kids 50/50 I'm sure, and we would try and keep it as amicable as possible for the kids.

Thank you for any advice/experiences.

fassbender Sat 20-Aug-16 12:21:13

Hopeful bump?

SpecialAgentFreyPie Sat 20-Aug-16 12:32:40

Virtual hugs flowers

I'm not separated, but I suffer from chronic pain and the immediate thing that pops into my head is it isn't healthy for your DC to see you derided for your disability. This is something my DH and I discussed, we didn't want our children to view me as 'lesser,' or think it was okay to look down on people who need a bit of extra help. I had one very hurtful comment, once by DS2 and I've never seen DH so furious. Never happened again.

Do your kids help in an age appropriate way, without resentment? That was one of the big things we implemented basically from day one to help them with empathy.

So sorry I can't offer any real advice, but things like the Disneyland thing alarm me. It's like he's basically saying to your children that 'mummy spoils the fun' because of her MS.

ImperialBlether Sat 20-Aug-16 12:47:18

First of all, you need to get someone to do the housework. Does he go to work? You're working full time and are the main wage earner - does he work part-time? Not at all?

Are you entitled to any kind of payments for your illness, so that you could buy in cleaning help?

fassbender Sat 20-Aug-16 12:58:23

Thank you - I work part time and my husband does too, he is a photographer so his busy season is the summer.

My kids do help, but it tends to be me that is 'nagging' and reminding them to do so - a good example is the fact that shoes are always left out (including husband's( despite us having a specific place for them, and I worry I am going to trip over them. My husband isn't bothered by the state of the house - he says so - but I would like it be be at least tidy so there isn't stuff all over the floor and surfaces. Just constant arguments sad

seahorse106 Sat 20-Aug-16 13:00:07

I'm in the same situation op, I separated from my husband last year for the same reasons. We have a 13yr old and 5 yr old.
I was already getting help from a carer through direct payments and had my care package increased so I had extra help.
I am in a privately rented flat and get housing benefit and ESA and DLA as well as child tax credits and child benefit.
I'm so pleased to be away from him and his negative attitude xx

fassbender Sat 20-Aug-16 13:01:37

Sorry, I meant to say I get a small payment each month which I use to help with cost toward prescriptions and symptom management. I often think of a cleaner but doesn't the house need to have things picked up first? The cleaning doesn't take me long, it is the constant tidying that takes forever confused

ImperialBlether Sat 20-Aug-16 13:15:49

Could your children's pocket money be linked to them tidying? You just can't do it yourself. Either pay for someone to do it (and a cleaner will tidy as long as you allow time for that) or get someone in the house to do it - maybe the children would like to earn some pocket money.

fassbender Sat 20-Aug-16 13:25:30

Thanks imperial, we do have a 'smiley face' chart which we link to pocket money for doing good deeds and being kind etc, maybe I just need to more specific with 'tidy this then you get a smiley face'

fassbender Sat 20-Aug-16 13:26:44

Seahorse, it is good to know you are happier in the other side! I will look into support etc

seahorse106 Sat 20-Aug-16 14:29:27

My carer is lovely she used to work at my dds pre school so we both knew her really well. She's really flexible and just does anything to help me out. I don't know how I would cope without her xx

Molly333 Mon 05-Dec-16 06:23:33

You need an assessment under the care act 2014 , it provides financial and practical
Support , ask your gp to organise Also ask him to see and occupational therapist . This will change ur life and affects no they benefits it's a free entitlement and will pay for cleaners gardeners etc

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