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How did you tell your DH you want to divorce him? What was his reaction?

(20 Posts)
cheapskatemum Tue 09-Aug-16 21:07:10

DH is controlling and after 31 years of it getting steadily worse, I've had enough. For me, I believe the worst bit of the whole divorce process will be the moment he finds out and me weathering the ensuing storm. I've read on here of some supremely amicable-sounding divorces and this won't be one of those, because he will be thinking, "How dare she do this to me?" Please share your stories, I feel I'd like to be forewarned and thus forearmed.

OP’s posts: |
MillicentKing Tue 09-Aug-16 22:02:33

I didn't tell him, he saw a franked letter from my solicitor on the doormat. He freaked out and responded as I expected...verbally abusive, cruel, snide etc.

Saved me having to pluck up the courage.

I emailed him when I knew the Petition would be arriving and he went ballistic.

He's a cruel man.


Nearlyhadenough Wed 10-Aug-16 16:18:38

I was also worried about how to tel my H that I wanted a divorce. Kept putting it off as there was never a right time.

I had seen a solicitor for advice and she had emailed a report to me along with the invoice - I stored this away in a email folder out of the way. H had not looked through my emails as far as I knew, but I wasn't taking chances.

Unfortunately a receipt was emailed and my H 'just happened' to look at my emails on the same day.....

He went ballistic - refused to accept the situation, said I was mad, he was going to hide all of his money - I would get nothing. 6 months later he still won't accept the marriage is over - won't move out, or even discuss it.

But at least he knows what I want!

Pandamanda3 Sat 13-Aug-16 22:12:30

Hi this is my first time posting so apologies if my comment is rubbish in any way.
I have just become divorced after 2 years of hell 😞 I put up with his controlling aggressive behaviour for 18 years in all but the last 3 particularly were the worst. I knew my marriage was over and it took over 2 years to actually pluck the courage to act. He went away again on holiday leaving me & two ds on our own one of which is disabled. I rang a solicitor locally to seek advise & that meeting was life changing as my husband had always had me believe I didn't have any rights to anything and couldn't manage would always need him. The solicitor made me see I do have rights and gave me the courage to at least decide on a well informed basis. He came home & the next day I took him to one side & told him im sorry but I can't do this anymore, I think we should get a divorce. He was dumbstruck it didn't register then the abuse started and it was the start of as I say a very heartbreaking divorce.
During which I discovered he had many a secreat, had signed his business to his brother and a whole lot more 'he was going to divorce me' im sure the tiles were laid out ready & so I had beaten him to it. It was the most difficult thing Iv ever had to do especially as I still loved him but the aggression and abuse I did not nor did my sons. I pray for any poor sole about to go through it or going through it as it's possible been the worst few years of my life. But keep strong, get good advise and write everything down in a journal you never know when you may need it.
Good luck & God bless x

Ilovecharliecat Sun 14-Aug-16 00:54:37

I rented and furnished a house and then told my controlling ex that I was leaving, there was no way that I'd stay in the family home as 1) we'd built it and it was ex-h pride and joy, 2) I would probably have had to take out some sort of injunction to stop him entering and harassing me. I was at my lowest ebb but I look back and wonder how the hell I did it? I've no idea where I got the mental strength from, but 12 years later I'm happily remarried and my two fabulous boys are well adjusted young men who see their father on a very regulat basis but also have a good relationship with their step-father.

cheapskatemum Sun 14-Aug-16 22:15:36

Hey, thank you so much you guys for taking the time and trouble to reply. I'm glad it's not just me who's bricking it. The letter from the solicitor has had to come via a friends' house and I haven't given the solicitor my email address. She has to text 1st to check it's ok to ring. Please do pray for me, Pandamanda3, I'd appreciate that. I'm sure DH has done similar things to yours too.

Ilovecharliecat, would that I had the money to do that, but financial abuse is part of the problem. Fortunately, I have friends who have offered me house room.

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Pandamanda3 Sun 14-Aug-16 22:35:42

Hi to be honest once it's out there done and said I think you will feel a lot of relief, although my ex made me feel awful about it guilty I stood my ground, looking back I don't know we're the strength come from but it does you'll see. For me when it got really tough still is now tbh I just keep telling myself this time next year I'll be in a better place my life will be better . Focus on the future hun and your happiness for a change that also takes some getting used too as being honest ask yourself when was the last time you actually gave yourself a thought? In aggressive relationships you loose sight of you and become somebody's property it's awful. When you do do it just make sure your in a safe place and have protection around you. After I told my husband I had him arrested for threats to kill etc.. Not pleasant but keep strong, be brave freedom is round the corner.
Keep us updated, on how you go and do shout if you need a shoulder someone to talk too. I'll be thinking of you take care x

scaredgirl2 Mon 15-Aug-16 15:49:52

I'm following this post.
I need to know how to tell my husband that it's over and I'm so scared, I don't know how to do it.

JigglypuffsCaptor Mon 15-Aug-16 15:56:45

I told exh I was leaving, he trapped me in a room whilst he held a bread knife to his throat hmm he then cried a lot, became physically aggressive, cried some more, nearly broke my jaw. I'd dialled 999 on my mobile whilst he went to get our wedding albums hmm he was horrible.

He then went on to make answering the petion a drama, he also defended the divorce but it was chucked out After 2 years and heft solicitor bills my decri nisi is now in court.

It was a nightmare! But I've come out the other side stronger and more assertive so that's one thing.

cheapskatemum Mon 15-Aug-16 19:07:38

Not knowing how he'll react is part of the problem, but I do try to tell myself there's only one way to find out! There are some worst case scenarios Pandamanda & Jigglypuffs, well done for getting through. You are my role models, if you can do it, so can I. I have become more assertive and that has got me to the position where I can even contemplate leaving.

scaredgirl have you heard of The Freedom Programme? If not it's well worth Googling it to see if there's a course running near you. Keep in touch, we'll do this together.

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friendinwoe Mon 15-Aug-16 19:13:51

I went away on holiday with DD to think and only went back to say I was leaving for good. He smashed the house up.

friendinwoe Mon 15-Aug-16 19:14:59

I did the freedom program. It was an eye opener.

cheapskatemum Mon 15-Aug-16 19:28:10

Ha, yes! Out of interest, friendinwoe did you do the FP before of after he smashed the house up? Cos I'm just thinking, if before, you'd be sitting there thinking, "Oh yeah, it said in the book he'd react like that"!

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scaredgirl2 Mon 15-Aug-16 21:58:24

I will have a look at that thanks, yes let's be strong and do this. My mind is made up, I'm determined it's happening soon.

cheapskatemum Tue 16-Aug-16 19:34:16

I've waded through the solicitor's letter and will tell him this weekend, just before he receives a letter saying I've requested that the house is registered in both our names (as is currently just in his)

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Pandamanda3 Tue 16-Aug-16 19:50:37

Wow before u do chick!!! Stop stop stop
Go to land registry & register your matrimonial rights against the property,it's easy they send you a form from memory then you fill it or sign you maybe even able to do it online. Sorry my heads shattered from my just finalised divorce.
If you do that it will stop dh from taking loan, selling throwing you out etc... It sound terrible but they will send him a letter to say you've done that which will most certainly trigger his head, so I waited for the letter & hid it to be safe. Then after this I then told him I wanted a divorce. It wasn't until the divorce started & he was out the house anyway by then courtesy of the police. That he then knew he couldn't just do as he pleased.
If you don't chick I do believe it makes the whole process a lot harder & affects your rights.
I'm not a legal wiz but have just done it so seen you post and thought I'd tell you. Check it out on QT though.
Hope this is helpful only if it's done & he gets nasty your covered and have a legal claim on house.
Oh good luck sweetie and to you other lady's just about to say the words. If I can be of a help in anyway having just finished my 2 years of hell please post, I paid £17,000 for my divorce and wish I knew then what I know now😞
Hugs to you all x

cheapskatemum Wed 17-Aug-16 21:57:35

That is what the solicitor is going to do, Pandamanda, but thanks for taking the trouble to post. £17,000! Ouch, I feel for you, but I'm sure you're telling yourself it's worth it now you're free from him. Congratulations on your just finalised divorce. What is QT?
(((Hugs))) back x

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Pandamanda3 Wed 17-Aug-16 22:51:59

Oh on the quiet ha!
I knew if he found out Id registered my rights he'd flip become nasty so I just didn't give him the letter they sent to him as we were under same roof then.
I am glad it's done with now, well the divorce part anyway he still is threatening us and being a pest after 2 years 😞 but if I could have done things differently I would have because the solicitor was money for old rope. The while divorce process when contested like mine was at every point is just so laps and I did everything right was honest etc on form e and it got me now we're he lied and stole savings but yet nobody was bothered. The solicitor in my case anyway preaches how you must do this must do that but it was all pointless as the court did nothing even when given so much evidence. I needed far more than I could afford to go to the final hearing and have a forensic accountants report done etc and so he got away with all sorts. So I wouldn't do half of what I did then, if I knew as I did now. So watch your fees closly and your purse so you don't end up like me.
Ahh good luck though it's a horrible time divorce and I feel for anybody having to go through it. But you can do it hun just be strong x

matthewsgeorge Thu 08-Nov-18 09:02:20

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MissedTheBoatAgain Thu 08-Nov-18 09:14:18

Mine cost £35,000 as ex wife did not want the Divorce so turned it into a Contest and emailed me:

"If I am going down I am taking you with me so that you are Bankrupt"

After almost 2 years of hearings and aborted hearings it ended up at Final Hearing. Most of my costs were subtracted from the Settlement as Judge soon concluded who was the troublemaker.

Sad part is that I would have rather seen the money go to Ex Wife and Child as total cost to myself was same regardless of who received the money.

If it's over try and settle amicably otherwise court costs can be huge. However, if one or both partners turn it into a contest then Court involvement is likely to be unavoidable.

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