Successfully separated in the same house?(11 Posts)
Hi, Does anyone have experience of continuing to live together after separation - at least for a while - and for it to work successfully?
DH and I have separated 'physically' (ie. no sex life) but are still good friends and very together parents for our 4 children.
I would like to think that - at least while the dust settles - we stay under the same roof and continue to provide strength and solidity for the children.
Has this worked for anyone out there?
For about two weeks and then I couldn't stand it any more. Still parent together well but in different houses 3 yrs later
It's not ideal. I have to live and work with my soon to be ex and we both have new partners which makes it very awkward.
If you make it work hats off to you. X
I've lived in the marital home with my ex for the last 7 months and we never see each other. He stays when it's his contact time and I go elsewhere, I stay when it's my time with the kids and he stays at his girlfriends. He changed the locks when I fled with the kids 2 years ago and £2k in solicitors fees later, I managed to gain access under my own steam by climbing through a window and moving back in when ex was at work.
It's so separate, he even uses his own crockery, milk, cutlery etc and has padlocked his bedroom door where he's placed the TV, games consoles etc. Made it much easier when tax credits investigated me. They were perfectly happy to accept that we don't 'live' together and my claim as a single person is valid. He pays child maintenance and I pay him half of all house running costs. It won't be forever, we're at decree nisi and our solicitors have started to cash in on our disagreement about the outcome of the house. The children seem perfectly happy with this arrangement as they never witness arguing and are able to stay in their own home on a full time basis for now. It's really brought home just what an upheaval it must be for the kids who have to pack up and leave to go to Daddy's every week/every other week. I know once this ends, that's what mine will be doing again.
You're lucky if you have an amicable arrangement - mine is tolerable. Beware of sharing anything if you are claiming tax credits. This includes meal times, laundry and shopping etc.
I did it for almost a year and it was hard and by the final 3 months was affecting my mental health. It was the intimacy of sharing home with someone you no longer have an intimate (in all senses) relationship with. That and the fact that once we had declared the relationship over I was no longer trying to be positive or put effort in so even passing each other in the hallway was hateful.
I think that despite DD not witnessing arguments in that year she was sensitive to the atmosphere and negatively affected by it. She is better (happier, more stable) now, shuttling between two homes, even though this has it's own negatives.
I did it for a few years. He lived in something he built for himself in our garden. It was horrendous. Affected me mentally and then eventually physically. Had a breakdown. My advice would be that you keep a distance and be as civil as possible when you do see one another. Then again you have a friendship so I think it's ok.
I'm doing this. It's been like this for months, and there's no end in sight.
No one can understand just how awful it is until they're in it.
The situation is compounded by the fact that he never goes anywhere, has no interests or hobbies. Just work.
He spends most of the time in his office, being a keyboard warrior, working and playing a game. He does cook, and interact with the kids etc.
I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it.
But we just can't afford to live separately. And that's it.
Thank god for work. I'm trying to build a life but it's not easy. And I can't imagine meeting anyone that would be terribly interested in me knowing that I'm still under the same roof as the person I'm married to.
So I'm trapped. Every which way.
Positives: there's not much fighting or squabbling. At all.
Exactly what UpYerGansey said.
I told STBXH in November that it was over, and I'm still here, stuck in this house with him. He has deliberately made it hell on earth, to the point I had to get a lock put on my bedroom door to stop him stealing my things.
I absolutely agree that it's having an incredibly negative effect on my mental health. I'm resolved to move out by the end of this month even if it adversely impacts my financial settlement. Better poor but happy than living this hell.
If you have any alternative at all then take it.
I'd go in a heartbeat chacha but I have children. I can't drag them off to bedsit-land...
And I don't see the Lord of the Manor stepping up to do that either.
It's just an awful situation, and the worst part is not being able to see a way out. That's the killer.
It's been almost six months here with no end in sight, it's awful. We don't talk or even sit in the same room. I'm lucky I suppose in that I have a floor to myself, my loft conversion has a large bedroom, a shower room and I have a kettle, a tv and my tech up here but it does feel like a prison. I have been known to spend almost entire weekends up here until I figured out that I need to be out and about.
I'm dating too so that adds a little extra awkwardness as if it weren't bad enough 😄 I was hoping that if he found out he would bugger off elsewhere but even though he must know he daren't ask 🙄
I'm another in this message however I own the house which I bought in Jan this year. I got legal advice on his rights to the marital home and he agreed to have no claim on it. However here we are 7 months later with him still here.
Slightly complicated as he is waiting for an adapted houses from the council and couldn't live in mainstream housing.
He pays me 300 for dc and 300 for rent. But every month I have to ask for it and then ask for bill money. I have just realised that he pays no.share of council tax.
AIBU that 300 is not enough for rent/food etc?
And to totally feck me off I asked if he would like to contribute to a holiday i am taking the kids on and he refused.
I need him out.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.