Navigating through the divorce wilderness.(3 Posts)
My ex and I seperated last year. He moved on very quickly (after two weeks) and whilst it hurt at first I now realise how controlling and emotionally abusive the situation had become. after initially agreeing to every weds and one day and night at weekend for him to see the children this changed to suit him to every other weekend. Now due to a change in his lifestyle and work he wants to change nights and see kids when it suits him. I've persisted in telling him it needs to be a set day as the children have got very upset when it keeps changing. They have set clubs in the week and I've worked it all around that arrangement. I have been flexible but once I do it he wants to keep changing it to suit him. if I can't do it because of prior commitments, I get abuse. he often tries to change it on the day the children are expecting him or night before. It's so frustrating as I feel like he is still trying to control everything- what do I do?
In reality, not a lot. I've had 11 years of twattery from the ex, here's what I've done
Never forget contact isn't for him, it's for the kids.
It's also not for you, but them. Of course in an ideal world, your ex would grasp that it's still his job to help and support his children's mother, but there's no changing stupid.
Keep every text and email polite, respectful, and measured. Nothing pisses off angry vengeful dickheads like failure to spread their rage to others. By all means write that excoriating response and save it for posterity, I have some absolute zingers hidden away on my PC, but don't send them, they only fuel the fire.
Don't lie to your children but don't slag him off either, and don't tell them things they don't need to know. I am proud of the fact that at 12 years old, ny son still loves his dad, but is growing in the knowledge that whilst his dad is great for hugs and endless computer time, I am the rock he is built on. It has cost many tears of rage and frustration, but ultimately I have grown stronger, I have a happy, loving and confident child, and I know my tit of an ex knows that in his stupid binary zero sum game world, I have utterly whipped his sorry arse.
I'm sorry I couldn't change him into a sane cooperatve dad, but you can't change other people.
I agree completely with MrsBert, your dc over time will realise what a twat he has and probably will still continue to be but they will be forever grateful that you rose above the twatishness and were there for them when their father wasn't. I think a good phrase that you could drop every so often is "sorry that's not possible this week" it's the only explanation that's needed. He's only doing this as he has lost control over you and the dc are the only link he has left to you.
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