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Feel owned by my H, if we separate what would happen financially?

(7 Posts)
Interestingdrug Mon 13-Jun-16 21:27:39

My marriage is over and has been for years. I am so unhappy and fantasise about leaving. The trouble is I haven't worked for 11 years. I have tried to apply for jobs but H says I need to be here for the children as he can't be flexible with his job. He works long hours, sometimes away and is no doubt having an affair, but I have no proof and tbh wouldn't blame him.

We have no intimacy, the last time he touched me in any way was last August when my dog died. We haven't had sex for over 4 years.

So I feel very depressed, lonely etc but keep staying for the children. He earns about £80,000 PA, we have a reasonably large mortgage. We have no family nearby to help with childcare, so if I got a job it would have to fit in with school hours/holidays which is difficult.

We have three DC aged 11, 9 and 5. How can I leave without ruining their lives? (My eldest suffers from anxiety as it is) If we divorced what would I be entitled to? I feel like he owns me, I have no financial independence and feel rock bottom. I really don't think I can do this anymore. I don't want to stay, but don't think I can leave. He's a good dad most of the time, but he does get stressed and I think he is hard on the kids at times.

Is there any way out for me, does it depend on how amicable any separation would be? I don't want to take him to the cleaners, I don't want to rely on him at all, but I would need the children to be looked after financially. Or do I just carry on and try to avoid a breakdown which is where I feel I am heading. Am I being selfish, wanting a chance of happiness at the expense of the children's happiness?

RandomMess Mon 13-Jun-16 21:53:51

Find a recommend Shit Hot Lawyer to go through what you are entitled to.

More than you think tbh!!!

You could move to a cheaper home presumably? You may be entitled to most of the equity in order that the DC are homed, maintenance for them and spousal maintenance for you.

millymollymoomoo Mon 13-Jun-16 22:53:00

It will depend on assets available. No one here will be able to tell you what you'll get. You may be awarded higher share of any equity traded against pensions eg 60/70% or you may be awarded mesher order but you'd need to most likely be able to take over mortgage payments.

You'll get child maintenance which is I think 25% of his income so around 850 per month plus benefits if not working You'll probably get spousal maintenance at least for interim period but expectation would be to become financially independent and seek employment especially due to ages of your children.

You need to seek legal advice even if it's just to get a better understanding of where you stand financially. Do you know equity values/pensions/other assets? The reality of it is though for vast majority of divorces means drop in lifestyle as funding 2 properties etc is much more expensive than one

Have you thought about a part time job now to help get some confidence and independence back?

inabizzlefam Mon 13-Jun-16 23:17:06

Leave asap. Your DCs are anxious BECAUSE they are living with an arse for a dad. I felt exactly the same as you but all the anxiety dissapeared when I left. My youngest wet the be nearly every night. I moved out and the DCs moved with me. Youngest DC has only had a couple of accidents bedwise in the past 3 months. However, every weekend when he goes to his dads he wets the bed (and gets the usual bollocking for it).
You will not damage your DCs by leaving. You will, in fact, release them from the atmosphere that exists between you and DH.
Lots of people advise that you should stay in the family home but it just makes things worse.
Find a rental, apply for benefits, tax credits, housing benefit,etc to get you out and give you some breathing space.
Then do as suggested.....get a shit hot lawyer and take the fuckwit for as much as you can get.

Interestingdrug Tue 14-Jun-16 14:49:46

Thank you for your replies. I am desperate to get a job so I can earn some money of my own and to regain some self esteem. My H is not supportive of me getting a job though. I kind of feel he likes me here doing the house and kids stuff, while he does whatever he does! I need to do a lot of thinking and work out how to take the first step.

Inabizzle I think you have a point as to why my daughter is anxious. My H is harder on her than the other two and I often find myself asking him to leave her alone. He's on her case over tidying her room etc the moment he comes home. I've had the school contact me about her anxiety affecting her. I really need to get some strength to sort things out for her sake as much as my own.

Thanks again, at least I won't be destitute if we separate. A drop in living standards doesn't faze me, just as long as the children are happy.

AristotleTheGreat Tue 14-Jun-16 14:56:49

Work around school hours can be hard to find yes.
Another way around that is to set up your own business. That's what worked best for me.

You will need to make a choice. Leave now and sort the work stuff after. Or sort the work stuff (you don't have to go in about it if it's school hours. There will be no impact on your H) and then separate.
YY about a lawyer to start with anyway. You need an idea of where you will stand to make plans.

wairy Tue 21-Jun-16 17:05:56

I was in exactly the same place as you are right now (except I only have two children). I put up with it for years and now my two are 15 and 17 and I have finally decided to go - I had no job - but got one with the school - term time only - just menial to begin with - it led to more and now I am working near enough full time. PLease dont stay for any reason other than you - I tried to leve twice - believed him twice and now look at all the wasted years. 14 years on - no affection - nothing - I am finally going and have foudn a little cottage which with good luck and a floowing wind I can keep us all together - no money so at least you are lucky with that,

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