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why will my ex not grow up!

(28 Posts)
nonladyofleisure Sun 05-Jun-16 13:28:32

My ex is literally destroying me mentally!

He controls everything to do with my son and he gets away with everything

From access to maintenance to mental abuse to not even paying tax he's just a massive Arse!

I don't have the money for court or mediation and he knows this so just continues to do it.

I could stop access but who is it affecting the most?

Just spoke to my son on the phone after I was allowed a phone call and my son sounded like a younger version of his dad laughing down the phone at me with his dad that isn't even my son!

How do I get control back over my life and get my ex to behave like a normal human being?

See his son when he's meant to stop mentally and emotionally abusing me (I'm in tears right now because I agreed to let my son stay an extra day and I fucking regret it!! As he would normally be at home by now I don't even know where he lives!

He controls literally everything! He chucks his clothes away that I buy, he only gives me money if he feels like it and just changes the amounts when he wants to. If I whinge he says go to the CSA ( I did this before and they told me that he only earned £5 per week) he taunts me constantly. He has people spying on me and sends me messages like little riddles to abuse me more.

The police are absolutely useless. It's like he's swallowed a law book to how to abuse your ex completely legally. He's managed to beat me up in the past and get away with it. He's also a drug dealer and no one gives a shit. Apparently I can't get him to stop contacting me as we have a child together and he needs to speak to me to access the child.

What the hell do I do? sadsad

Rainbowqueeen Sun 05-Jun-16 13:40:01

Other suggestions I have seen on here that help are:

1. Contact by email only and set up your emails to go to a separate folder so you don't see them until you are ready to look
2 cheap pre paid mobile just for him, again so you can turn it off and only look at it when you like
3 accepting that he will always be a dick and expect nothing - no financial support, no reasonable behaviour. So then you won't be disappointed.

It sounds really horrible for you.

How old is DS?

You need to disengage as much as you can and take away as much of his power as you can .
I would go the CSA route as he is trying to control you with money.
Communicate either by text or email only
Send your son for visits in the clothes your ex has bought

flowers. It can't be easy

nonladyofleisure Sun 05-Jun-16 13:45:13

I've done some of this stuff, he will do things like send me important stuff that I needed to know then say if you had let me contact you you'd have known X, y, z.

To be honest the CSA thing is just a waste of my time.

He's actually used the phrases. You shouldn't have had kids if you can't afford to pay for them ( I work full time)

He uses the fact I work full time against me saying that he's a better parent because he's available more.

My son told his school that his dad threw him off a sofa. I no choice than to tell police.

So now he uses that to abuse me. Saying don't call the police on me I've just told him off and laughs.

Last week I learnt he left him in the cinema with an 8 year old he's 6.

He's turned this around when I said to my son can you go in a separate room so I can speak to you on your own. My ex them said well you told me I can't leave him on his own.. He's using his own abuse to abuse me! X

Canyouforgiveher Sun 05-Jun-16 13:52:02

you need to minimise his presence in your life. He is getting off on annoying you (which really is pathetic - what a loser).

It will be hard but I suggest you aim for eventually:

Only talk by text if possible. If a conversation becomes contentious, say we can discuss by text.

keep your texts short and to the point. Ditto conversations. Don't explain just repeat over and over. So he says I want ds to stay with me another night, you say "no that doesn't suit we will stick to the arrangements" and keep repeating no matter how many times he insults you/whines/argues etc.

My ex them said well you told me I can't leave him on his own..

See this I would just smile and ignore because it is just stupid - the kind o thing a teen would say to you in an argument. Ignore as much as you can.

Plan on earning enough money so that you don't need his. then go to CSA so he can no longer hold money over your head. If at all possible I'd rather be poorer and not have to deal with him controlling me with money.

Be explicit with your son about the values you want to instill in him. Because I bet your ex is certainly being explicit about his

Emeralda Sun 05-Jun-16 14:02:49

Do you have a court order in place for child contact?

user1464519881 Sun 05-Jun-16 14:54:25

It sounds very difficult indeed. Yes, is there a court order regarding contact and if not it might be worth having one. If he does deal drugs and hurt the child etc it may be better his contact is supervised.

Send the child to him in second hand charity shop clothes so that if they go missing you've not lost much money.

nonladyofleisure Sun 05-Jun-16 15:50:26

I can't go to court until i've been to mediation (We went before but its been too long). I cant go to mediation as apparently I earn too much hmm lol hes already said he wont do anything i ask him to do so I can't even use his legal aid.

I just need someone bigger and bolder than him to punch him and say sort it out you piece of crap.

He genuinely can't see any problems in his behaviour. Yet find faults in every single one of mine.

I will point out here that I have a very amical parent relationship with my eldests father. We have no dealings in each others lives. We just discuss our son and thats that.

This man has 3 children. 1 who he hasnt seen since his daughter was a baby. my Son, and a another daughter with someone that he abuses as much as me but she appears to like it.

nonladyofleisure Sun 05-Jun-16 15:54:36

My aim is to wait until I've gone part time again and go through mediation, if he doesn't turn up fine we can then head to court. I've printed off the paper work ready to fill out there is loads of issues I want to bring up. But I know what my ex is like. He has already spent the day saying that one day my son will end up living with him etc just wait till hes older. it scares the absolute shit out of me if im honest as my son is so easily manipulated by his father. I wouldn't mind shared custody with a non abusive person please don't think its about that, I love my son more than I hate my ex, but everything my ex does is to get at me.

and then he says things like .... do you fancy a roast dinner?? I've made loads. He's actually insane!!!

TendonQueen Sun 05-Jun-16 15:57:28

If there's no court order, could you refuse contact? And make a list of reasons - like the sofa incident, as there will be a police record of that, and the throwing clothes away - to justify this later?

user1464519881 Sun 05-Jun-16 16:06:32

Yes, just deny the contact and wait for him to take it to court. He sounds awful and dangerous to your son. I would not go part time though as that will reduce your income, even if it means you might be eligble for mediation without charge. Mediation also cannot be forced on him so if he chooses not to go it won't happen.

Penfold007 Sun 05-Jun-16 16:07:05

You need to take control and disengage from him and his behaviour. As said up thread get a cheap mobile and only give him that number, change your mobile number and be very careful who you give it to, block him. Block him on email and have a dedicated email for child related matters. Go through CMS for maintenance, let them deal with him.
Keep all communication business like, brief and child related only. If your on social media up all your security or leave for a while. It's hard but take the power away from him.

TendonQueen Sun 05-Jun-16 16:08:47

Even if your son wants to go, you're the adult here and you can make judgements about what's in his best interests. I don't think spending time with a father like this is.

nonladyofleisure Sun 05-Jun-16 16:27:24

Its very complicated re the access, I've stopped access a number of times. It then affects son at school behaviour etc.

Mediation if he refuses its better as I can just have it signed that I tried etc.

I've done parenting plans he's laughed them, I've done a separated parenting course (he refused to go)

He honeslty makes me feel like this whole thing is me. He says I'm not going to bow down to you. You get treated how you treat me. He basically means I can act how i want and as long as you don't moan or say anything about it you will get maintenance etc.

I'm due to go part time anyway (i'm covering Maternity leave) I'm only about £20 a week better off for working an extra 24 hours and its not good for my health I have been getting really down and everything on top of me, and i need support if I'm honest as our son has a few issues at school (currently being tested for ADHD) so I am actually looking forward to going part time.

I feel a bit better. I dropped my phone earlier and it cracked so I got the hump and chucked it out of anger and completely broke it. I realised the affect hes having on me. (I'm not really a psycho!)

Regarding the phone, its too much of a problem to change numbers so many professionals etc need the number however I can block him. Regarding the emails the folder thing just seems to hide them and I don't realise they are there.

I'm going to get him back tomorrow and just cut contact until hes due to have him next. I need to get something in place for then as hes been doing this the last few times refusing to bring him back etc.

He gets worse and worse, then I cut contact and then he acts reasonable but now he just laughs and says I'm just punishing the child and using the child as a weapon. I'm honestly not no one deserves the abuse I get. I can't even go for a coke in a pub garden without being told I'm an awful mum. He says I'm the worst mother in the world and he thinks he will start to get my son to call his girlfriend mum soon as shes a better mother... Its all very hurtful stuff and this has been going on 9 years. Everything has happened. I'm just at my wits end. And its just getting worse as my son gets older as he knows who his dad is, and he gets money, and has a 'step' brother and a sister to see and they do fun things and he gets £100's of pounds spent on him whenever he wants. I feel like I can't compete.

I'm just a normal law abiding citizen trying to get through life and feel everything is a fight.

I appreciate your help and comments and sorry for rambling but I need to get it off my chest.

xxx

Pisssssedofff Sun 05-Jun-16 18:39:26

I skipped mediation, I said he hit me - that may or may not be true but it got me to court.

nonladyofleisure Sun 05-Jun-16 19:19:37

update...

So before I had broken my phone he had told me that I would see him tomorrow night as arranged. i decided to gut my sons bedroom if hes not back till tomorrow.

Anyway 6.30 i hear a knock at my door.

It is my 6 year old son (You can't see my door from the road)

His father had left him without seeing if he had got in the house ok and without speaking to me first (bearing in mind he has told me he is responsible until tomorrow evening and declined me having him back) purely on the basis he thinks I am in because my car is there.

I could be down the pub drinking! I could be out with a friend and gone in their car!

Glad to have my son back! but what a fucking idiot!!!!

nonladyofleisure Sun 05-Jun-16 19:30:25

PS and drove off before he could give me the 2 weeks maintenance he owes.

i'm done smile

Emeralda Sun 05-Jun-16 20:31:18

I think you need outside help to sort this. Have you been to Women's Aid?

nonladyofleisure Sun 05-Jun-16 22:53:56

They are only interested if they have beaten you up recently. People don't see how much worse mental and emotional abuse is! x

bibliomania Thu 09-Jun-16 13:35:48

That's not my experience of Women's Aid at all - they definitely do understand emotional abuse.

You're not blocked from mediation because you earn too much, you just have to pay. Have you found out how much it is? I paid - it's a once-off payment and fairly reasonable.

You can't change who he is, you can only change how you react to him. There will always be times when he manages to pull your strings (not having a child returned to you is horrendous - I've been there), but if you show that he got to you, he'll be delighted and he will make a mental note that this is an excellent way to torment you. You've got to stop showing him any reaction.

I'm appalled at what Pisssssoffff implied about lying to get out of mediation. Awful advice.

Pisssssedofff Thu 09-Jun-16 13:44:38

It worked and saved me £590 which was better spent on my kids.

Pisssssedofff Thu 09-Jun-16 13:45:36

If they didn't put these bullshit money making obsticals in people way you wouldn't have to play the system would you

bibliomania Thu 09-Jun-16 14:26:36

I don't agree with you at all, and I say that as someone who (a) had an abusive ex; (b) tried mediation and found it didn't work and (c) eventually did find get a fairly good outcome through court.

Pisssssedofff Thu 09-Jun-16 15:49:50

I don't need you to agree with me tbh

bibliomania Thu 09-Jun-16 15:52:53

Fair enough.

nonladyofleisure Thu 09-Jun-16 19:21:35

I'm going to go through mediation but I don't have a spare penny at the end of the month so I can't afford to pay for it, when I'm part time my expendable income will less meaning that I should get some help. Thank you for all of your advice. A police officer once told me that my ex was legally abusing me in every way possible that's what I meant about women's aid. They can't help with dv unless X y and z... I agree you have to jump through hoops to get anything. Currently my ex has full parental rights. Can abuse me left right and centre as 'words are not illegal' he can beat me up whenever he wants and deny it (a few years back!) as you have to prove it was him that did it (I did it to my self according to him and there wasn't enough evidence to say it was him!) you can only get legal aid if they get to the point of not returning your child, you can't get a restraining order unless dv has been proved and documented within a certain amount of time. They can get away without paying maintenance and no one looks into how they get their income...

To be honest it's all useless X but life goes on X

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