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Having a wobble about leaving...

(21 Posts)
PiratesHat Sun 05-Jun-16 07:58:19

STBXP has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me for 3 years (physically abusive once). We have two DD under two.

I told him I want out, house is up for sale but we are still living here (separate rooms) as it is jointly owned. He has not taken it well and goes between being nice to being nasty.

Yesterday he tried to make me change my mind. He said "are you sure this is what you want? I know you still love me" Well, this is the thing: I don't. It is more that I am sad I couldn't make us work (I did try) and feel sorry for him.

My situation: SAHM with enough equity to buy a small house outright with no mortgage. I will claim income support and child tax benefits etc until youngest is 5 then start work again. My parents can also help a little financially.

Am I doing the right thing? I think I am, and I am craving my own place where I can do what I like without walking on eggshells. Somewhere the DC won't see him shouting and swearing at me. A place where my lovely parents feel welcome (he hates them).

It is just so so hard with two DCs so young - I will not see them for one day and one night on the weekend. I am with them almost always now. Also that DCs will have two houses, two lives in a way..I know I am not the only one in this position but it still hurts.

Any encouragement you could offer me to stick with my decision leave would be so much appreciated.flowers

Minime85 Sun 05-Jun-16 09:35:00

It is hard having to share your dcs but you sound utterly miserable and if you don't love him and you know you'd be happier without him then you need to leave. Only you know the truth. I don't like that my kids have two lives but I consider that actually it might enrich their lives meeting new people and doing things they wouldn't have done. That they are loved by both parents who are now happy in different homes but weren't living together. That's got to be better for the dcs hasn't it? I fill days I'm not with them by doing things for me or decorating it soon goes. flowers

PiratesHat Sun 05-Jun-16 21:52:53

Thank you - I think you are right and I am certainly not happy with the way things are. It is so hard... He is promising to change.. But a leopard can't change his spots.

FreeFromHarm Sun 05-Jun-16 21:56:58

You are doing the right thing, I left 2 years ago, yes it has been hard sometimes won't deceive you, but you will so much safer knowing you have moved away, the first initial step with be much better, we all have our wobbles, you are so strong and soon you will realise how strong and independent you can be. xx

FreeFromHarm Sun 05-Jun-16 21:58:11

They never change took me 22 years to convince myself of that :O(

PiratesHat Sun 05-Jun-16 22:03:36

I told him tonight I wanted to go ahead with the split... He ranted for a while and stormed out, slamming the front door behind him. Now waiting on tenterhooks to see what mood he will come back in - and remembering all the reasons I wanted to end this relationship in the first place sad

PiratesHat Sun 05-Jun-16 22:04:02

22 years !! Was he abusive? Xx

FreeFromHarm Sun 05-Jun-16 22:12:37

Yes, we are safe now, feel so sorry for the NP, she has no idea, I wish I could do something, I do not want any woman or DC to go through what we have had to deal with, xx

FreeFromHarm Sun 05-Jun-16 22:32:43

Are you safe ?

PiratesHat Sun 05-Jun-16 22:39:20

Yes, safe thank you smile

He is back all upset but calmer.

dataandspot Sun 05-Jun-16 22:39:55

I don't think you can claim income support until your youngest is 5? Haven't the rules changed now?

FreeFromHarm Sun 05-Jun-16 22:49:21

You will be ok , you can get tax credits and single parent money, housing benefit, get in touch with womensaid, they will guide you through everything xx

FreeFromHarm Sun 05-Jun-16 22:50:09

maintenance to xx everything is going to be ok, stay strong and firm

FreeFromHarm Sun 05-Jun-16 22:51:00

here for you xx

ExtraHotLatteToGo Sun 05-Jun-16 22:59:29

Pirate. No Wobbling! He's an utter, utter arse - and that's being generous.

It's daunting, but you can (and must) do it, for yourself and your DD's. It will be hard to do, but once it's done you & your DD's will thrive & you'll wonder what you were worried about.

Tonight should prove to you that he's unwilling & unable to change.

He will say & threaten all kinds of shit, he will press one weak spot after after, to see if he can get you back under his control. Just don't listen to it.

You CAN do this 💐

FreeFromHarm Sun 05-Jun-16 23:08:29

here here , well said

PiratesHat Sun 05-Jun-16 23:31:18

ExtraHot - thank you. I have had it all tonight... Starting from declarations of undying love and promises of the earth (when he was trying to get me to give him yet another chance) to saying my dad was scum (my dad called to give me a stern talking to when I was about to give STBXP that chance!) and saying I rely on daddy to make my decisions and can't stand on my own two feet.

He said he wants to start a new relationship soon ish, someone who loves him, and he wants out of our relationship asap (GOOD! Feel sorry for the next victim).

I hate living in the same house as him now, hope we get an offer on it soon.

Your encouraging words really keep me going x

FreeFromHarm Mon 06-Jun-16 00:02:02

Do not listen to it, ok, let it go in one ear and out the other, OK, night and be strong. Xx

PiratesHat Mon 06-Jun-16 06:41:44

Thank you xx He is blaming my parents for the split now, saying they talked me into it.

Not sure if this is a common factor with abusive exes, not wanting to take responsibility for their own actions.... exasperated sigh

FreeFromHarm Mon 06-Jun-16 07:47:58

He will blame everyone else but himself, a definite sign of pure denial, stay strong and if it is correct he has someone else you might find he will move on, the house will sell, he will realise and come to terms with his actions end of. Xx

Minime85 Mon 06-Jun-16 16:47:37

Glad you are safe and well done on taking that next step. Abusive or not I don't think exs take responsibility for their actions it's easier to deny.

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